You are enough

Everything that you have done in the past three years built up to this moment.

You stare at the white door in front of you, breathe deeply, and brace yourself for the show.

One last time you check the time. Perfect. As intended, you've arrived fashionably late.

You actually spent a lot of time thinking about the right amount of late you wanted to have before showing up. Even that was not to be left to intentions.

Fact is, that your cheater of an ex S. is right on the other side of the door, drinking a beer and enjoying the party for your common friend’s birthday, completely unaware of what is about to happen.

You can still remember how your love story went down. You were practically a baby and your ex was too, but S. was also pitiless and egocentric and loved to be worshiped. You, on the contrary, were tender as a hummingbird and confused religious devotion with love. You lived for those rare occasions in which S. would place the attention on you and you floated in the warm and shallow waters dreaming of ways in which you could be more present, more caring, “more enough” to keep S. with you.

You were enough.

But you had to be shattered to pieces to discover your “enoughness”.

That’s why you passed the last three years focusing on yourself. Working hard to understand that you should be enough for yourself and not for some dump person who obviously cared nothing about you. 

You worked out, you made your physical appearance better, you did therapy, you tried other flirts. You did everything it was in your power to be a better version of yourself. In your mind, S. was always there. At first, as someone you longed to have back, but afterward rather as a reminder of what you suffered and the difficulties you had to face to become a better person.

Still, this party is the first time you’ll face S. in your new shape. You thought about this first encounter for so long that now you’re petrified. Will you be able to forget the love there was and treat S. like you dreamed in the deepest moments of your despair? Will you be crushed once again? Will you prove any feelings at all? Will you care enough to serve your revenge?

You step ahead, grab the door handle, and push.

You’re inside. It was easier than you thought.

Some people look at you and smile, others wink but you scan the room to see where the enemy is, yet there's no sight of S.

You walk through the first floor searching for the birthday-girl but simultaneously you search for the other person which is nowhere to be seen.

After some witty talks you end up in the corner of the room and your heart finally ceases to pound like hell. 

S. is not at the party, you can relax.

You are angry, you trained so well and now you’ll have to train another time. Yet, the pressure was killing you so you’re glad that you can now release the tension and enjoy the party.

Friends of S. parade to you to say how good you look. You smile and reply how well you’ve been doing, which is true, but you’d also like to say: “I’m waiting for your dumbass of a friend to slap the seemingly harmless face S. always carries around.” Instead, you just smile.

You drank a couple of beers and now you have to pee.

You stumble through the crowd and make your way to the bathroom when… S. is right in front of you with the new lover. 

You freeze.

S. freezes.

The lover, with your great pleasure, doesn’t even the courage to look you in the face and walks away.

Embarrassment hangs in the air.

You should have known that for as late as you might arrive, S. would be even later.

Slap!

Slap!

Slap!

You hear a voice say in your head.

It’s true you wanted to make an entrance and slap S. in front of everyone. Make the crowd wonder how S. could cheat on such a beautiful person S. 

Now that you’re there, though, you forgot how pretty S.’s face was.

Damn it! Do something! Says your internal voice.

You look better.

Yes. S. face is handsome, but that face hurt you in ways you didn’t know a person could be hurt. The gorgeousness disappears and you only see the cheating, the hurting, and the crying, the moments you felt like nothing and you didn’t deserve to be loved.

Thank God, everything went down like that.

You’re so grateful that you don’t even feel the need to slap anymore.

The lover run away as soon as you appeared. If that’s not a slap, you don’t know what it is.

So, instead of slapping, you smile your biggest smile.

“S.,” you say, “Good to see you’re well.” And smile even more. S. stays silent, gazes at you in awe. Makes a step forwards towards you but you’re faster. “Glad to have seen you again, but I really have to pee now.”

You leave S. there, silent for the first time in history, and you go on with your life as planned.

When you’re done peeing a friend comes near you. “I’ve seen S. with the new one. For as long as we are at the party, I won’t leave you alone a second.”

You smile. A friend saying something like that is worth a thousand S..

You come near S. a couple of times more, but nothing happens. 

When you reach home, you feel relieved. The hurt has ended.

You prepare yourself a bathroom as a reward for how well you handled the situation and just before entering the hot water, you also stream your favorite playlist.

Whatsapp rings. 

“You looked wonderful at the party. I was a fool to let you go, we should hang out sometime.”

S. strikes again.

So, this is how it started with the new lover. What would happen if you answered, “Yes, we should.” 

You realize, clearer than ever, that you were never the problem. S. will always be dissatisfied and will always be looking for the next thing to get excitement from.

You already were “the next thing” and know you know better.

Now you don’t have to be enough for S., now you just need to be enough for yourself, and you are.