Persistence

I can’t go because my mom won’t let me. I wish I could, that’s just the way things are at home. It’s unfair, right? I know it is. I am grounded again. All I do is spend the afternoon looking at the posters of bands hanging on my bedroom walls. I can’t go out so late, my parents won’t allow me. I have so much homework to do; the teacher already warned me I will fail unless I truly focus. 

It’s not that I don’t want to go to the movies with you girls, I have already seen that film and it’s quite boring. Could we do something else? All right, I’ll watch it again if I have to. I just want to hang out with you guys, things are tough at home. Please, don’t cut me out, I know I skipped the last few parties, but I don’t have any more friends. Are you seriously going to light that cigarette? Ok, I’ll have a single puff if you insist. I’m sure it won’t harm me. It tastes itchy down my throat. Of course, I like it! Give me another one. Why don’t you believe me? Is it because I coughed? I’ll get more practice and eventually, it will become a part of who I am.

Look at these tights, my jeans are about to explode. And I can no longer button my favorite shirt. I do look fat, don’t I? You are right; I should change this outfit, as it doesn’t suit me. I dyed my hair green, purple, blue, red, orange, blonde, black, I cut it short, I let it grow, I shaved it, all because I wanted them to notice me. I know I’m just a clown. But please, don’t you laugh at me, I couldn’t bear it. I look into the mirror and I want to vanish in the air. I don’t know who I am, perhaps they do, and perhaps someone can tell me.

I met him last week and he wants to see me again. He is tall and dark, popular and handsome, everything that I’m not, everything I’ll never be. Would you please let me, mom? Dad? He’ll pick me up at eight. He’s a good boy. He doesn’t drink (at least not too much). And, after all, it is my first and only prom. I want to go because otherwise, I will be skipping such a great episode in my teenage life. Here we are! I love the way everyone looks on their fancy, colorful party gowns (except myself, I feel trapped in a purple silk prison, but maybe I can fake it, he won’t realize). I really don’t feel like dancing but, who cares? He’s the soccer team captain, I should be grateful for my luck. I don’t like his hands so low down my back but I’ll keep my mouth shut as any reasonable girl in my class would do.

I really should be heading home, you know, it’s late already. I know I said I liked you, but I’m not ready to move forward, things are happening so fast for me. You tell me you could have come with any other girl, I should show you a little gratitude, I know you spent a lot of cash on the tux and the flowers and everything, ok, give me another drink, I’m not sure because… Ok, you win. Let’s do it. Just don’t rip off the fabric of my dress, well, never mind. I wasn’t planning on wearing it ever again.

Forget about my tears; I’m such a silly girl. Sure, I had a wonderful time! Will you call me tomorrow? No? How about on Monday? Well, the week after that? Will I ever see you again? At least lie to me so tonight I can look at myself in the mirror and feel something else rather than pity. Because it was great; because it was my first time and I will remember it forever. 

Ok, so if he did it, you too can drive me home tonight. It’s not that I don’t want to, I don’t want it now, no, wait, please, not here, someone could see us! Ok, ok, I’ll be nice and quiet. It’s only what I deserve. Because this is who I am now. Because you asked me to. Because you too have needs. Because I wore that outfit that can only mean I’m looking for trouble. Because all of my friends have gone through the same, and it’s not such a big deal.

Because I don’t deserve anything better. Because otherwise, no one else will like me. Because none of you like me. Because I don’t like myself. Because I hate myself. Because I want all of this to end. Because I want to hurt them for what they did to me. Because I want it all to stop, to fade, to go away for good. Because I’m not worth it. Because it is too late.

…

It’s been so long since then. I should consider myself lucky I got out of that dark place on time. They say I should think of myself as strong and brave because we all suffer, but not all of us reach for help. Not everyone will treat you like garbage, but first, you need to stop treating yourself like that. Because you deserve something better. Because if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love others or let others love you. And because you deserve to be loved the way you are.

I will stay at home tonight because I feel like it. I will study for the exam because it’s important to me. You can have your parties and your drinks and your cigarettes without me. If you “need” me to be there because you can’t stand being on your own, you don’t really care about my needs. I will go out with this guy if I feel like it. I want to have a nice meal and a quiet walk by the riverside. No, I don’t have to kiss him goodnight only because he paid for the dinner. No, I don’t owe it to him. No, I don’t want to see him ever again.

Yes, I want to see you again. Yes, I will spend the night at your place because I want to, because I desire to. Yes, I want you to touch me. Yes, that feels amazing. Because I love my body, and I love the way it feels together with yours. Yes, I had a great time. Yes, I want you to call me again. No, now it’s not a good time to talk, I’m busy, maybe later. Thank you for respecting my time. Thank you for being there. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for not breaking your promises, thank you for loving me.

I will live the life I choose to live. I will spend my time with people who do well to me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love.

Because I said so.