The Brightest Stars

Sahima sighed as she looked out at the pillowy white blankets of snow falling in her backyard. Wasn’t it ironic how she was named after the one thing that she had loved so much before, yet now she hated to think about? Snow. Sahima meant snow.

She brought herself back before she could think about the things that hurt as her phone pinged with a new message. Can you please start shoveling the snow? We’ll bring hot cocoa… It was her mom. She and Sahima’s father were going to be coming home from work soon and wanted her to clear the driveway. Of course, they had to bribe her with hot cocoa, which she now despised. They didn’t need to know that though. They had enough to worry about without Sahima’s drama.

Sahima bundled up with various coats, gloves, and hats before leaving the house with the shovel. After half an hour, she had made a clear path from the street to her garage. She went back to the front door to get in when she realized she hadn’t unlocked the door before leaving the house. She was locked out! She texted her parents quickly, getting the reply: Go to the neighbor’s house until we get back. We’re stuck in traffic due to the snow. Sahima groaned. Her neighbor was the generic old cat lady with around at least 50 cats roaming the house. She texted her parents back: I’m just going to go for a walk. Text me when you arrive and I’ll come back. And yes, before you ask, I won’t go far. So Sahima started walking in a random direction, her thoughts taking over again.

As Sahima watched her feet crunch into the snow and leave prints with each step, she remembered how her footprints always used to walk next to his. She remembered how she used to think they were soulmates. Even their names meant the same thing. Tuhin. There, she said it. If only in her mind, she had uttered his name. She could feel the ache starting to grow again in her chest. But she forced herself to continue; otherwise, she would become what everyone said she was. Weak. No. Sahima would not become weak.

Sahima pushed herself to remember her times with Tuhin. She recalled how they first met when her friends had forced her to go skating with them. Sahima had stood at the edge trying not to be awkward when a tall tan guy had come crashing into her, making her slide all the way into the center of the rink. She had been so scared that she had shut her eyes closed tightly. Then, she heard a sweet but concerned voice calling to her, and soon a pair of arms had lifted her up. Since her eyes were closed the whole time, the guy thought she was unconscious and laid her down in the snow. She could hear him saying sorry so many times so she slowly opened her eyes. The guy had sighed in relief before introducing himself as Tuhin, one of her friend’s acquaintances. He offered to teach her how to skate as a way of saying sorry. And of course, she was unable to decline him after looking into his deep brown eyes.

Sahima remembered the first time Tuhin taught her how to skate. He took her to a small lake that was secluded with trees surrounding it. She was so bad when they first started that she couldn’t even stand still an inch away from the edge without falling. Though he tried to keep a straight face, she could see the twinkle in his eyes each time he caught her. He would look into her eyes so sweetly and then crack a cheesy joke that made her playfully hit him. Of course, causing her to fall again at which he would laugh in his deep, loud voice. Ever since then, every day that froze the lakes, they would go out together and skate and laugh and talk mindlessly.

Soon, skating had become her favorite thing to do and Tuhin her favorite person. Any day without snow became a day she dreaded. Her favorite season became winter. She had started loving her unique name. She realized he had taught her to love snow but also to love herself.

Sahima smiled before she realized something cold was on her cheek. She brushed her hand over it and saw that her gloves had gotten a circle of wetness. She had cried. It was the first time after what had happened that she had allowed herself to cry.

She didn’t think she could ever skate without him. The snow was just another type of precipitation now. Skating was just another sport. Her name was just another name people couldn’t pronounce and couldn’t understand.

Sahima looked up as small lights started flickering around her. She realized she had ended up at the small lake where Tuhin taught her how to skate and the same lake that they would go to every snow day. She let out a small sob.

Sahima lightly touched the small white fairy lights that delicately wove through the trees on the perimeter of the lake. She was surprised their motion sense still worked through all the snow and blizzards.

Sahima suddenly had a curious thought as she trudged quickly through the snow to the largest tree. She brushed her hand over the trunk to clear some of the snow. She crouched down and reached into the hole at the base of the tree. Her glove touched two solid items of the same size and shape. She pulled out both of them and her eyes welled up again as she looked down at the lavender-colored skates. How could she ever even put the skates on without him?

They were the first skates that Tuhin had gotten for her. When he taught her, she always used his and he would use his old pair. So when she had finally become good on the ice, he gifted her these new ones. And from then on, she had kept the skates here with his under the tree so they could come here to skate whenever they wanted. They had also “decorated” the place that day and put up the twinkling lights. Sahima remembered how they had laid down on the snow-covered ground, her head on his chest, and gazed up at the starry sky. Tuhin had commented how their “stars” outshined all the rest in the sky and she wittingly responded that it was because they were way closer to them. Tuhin had just smiled and kissed her head.

Sahima realized she had closed her eyes while remembering the beautiful moment. She opened her eyes and reached inside the tree again to find his skates. She pulled out the slightly worn-out pale blue skates. She saw that something had been stuffed inside it and pulled it out. It was a note addressed to her!

Dear Sahima,

I know that by now, if you're reading this letter, you’re probably angry at me, or worse blaming yourself for what happened. Or maybe you’ve already moved on. But just hear me out. I loved you and still love you as I continue to write this letter. I will love you until the moment I die, maybe even after.

If you still feel the same way for me, as far as I know you, which is pretty good, I know that you’ve probably decided to never skate again. And if you haven’t thought that, please never ever do. All I ever wanted was for you to skate and to love it as I do.

When you finally started enjoying skating, that’s when I truly fell in love. Of course, I had a pretty big crush on you ever since our crash, but it was like love at first sight when I watched you skate. It was like you were made for it with your eyes closed, face turned up, hair blowing in the wind, and your cheeks and nose tinted red.

I know what I’m going to do is going to upset a lot of people, especially you, but there were other things in my life that I could never tell anyone, even you, which just made me feel more guilty. One of the things being the reason why I would never let you visit me at my house.

Even now, I can’t bring myself to tell anyone or even put it in this letter. It would upset my parents that I would go against the family that way. Plus, why should I unnecessarily burden anyone else when they’re my problems? So I decided to take it with me to my grave. That way, I wouldn’t go against my family and I wouldn’t have to keep hiding things from everyone. I know you’re probably thinking that it was just a small thing and there was no reason for me to act so dramatically, and yes, maybe it was a small thing, but many small things start to add up to such a heavyweight that a person just can’t take it anymore. I had two options, to tell someone, anyone, and defame my family, or to just peacefully leave.

There was also the fact that my family and I were going to move to another state soon. The only way I was able to be sane was with the small moments with you. If I lost that, I would go crazy. I wouldn’t be able to be happy even on the outside.

I’m sorry for writing so much; I just needed to get it out, even if it was very vague. Again, none of this was your fault. My only wish is for you to never stop skating. Never let go of that love. Also, these skates are now yours to use. I know they’re pretty worn-out, but I want you to have them. Before I met you, skating was my escape, and after I met you, skating with you was my happy place. So please Sahima, for me, keep skating.

Love,

Your Tuhin

By the time Sahima had finished reading Tuhin’s letter, her eyes were red from crying so much. She realized that it was okay to cry. After all, the person she had loved the most was now gone. She wished she could have persuaded him to stay. Maybe they could have run away together, away from whatever was causing him so much stress. But alas, the world was a cruel place and they wouldn't have been able to survive.

Sahima carefully folded the paper and put it in her pocket. She gingerly touched his skates again before she made her decision. It felt like she was disrespecting him by even considering doing their thing alone. But it was what he wanted. Couldn’t she at least fulfill his last wish?

Sahima quickly took off her boots and slipped on Tuhin’s skates. She carefully walked to the edge of the lake and tentatively stepped onto the frozen surface with her eyes closed, face turned up, hair blowing in the wind, and cheeks and nose tinted red, just like Tuhin had always pictured her.