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Historical Fiction Mystery Funny


Once upon a time, a long, long time ago there was a small kingdom. In fact, this kingdom was so small that it had little more than a few hundred inhabitants, a king and a pub. The king was young, handsome and not very stupid, so the people liked him. One in particular liked him and that was Mary, the daughter of the pub owner.

Oh Mary! This Mary was the prettiest, smartest, and most cheerful girl anyone had ever seen. You could find her every evening in her father's pub, which was not strictly speaking the only pub in the kingdom, but it was definetely the most popular one, which was not least due to Mary. She chatted constantly with the customers, told them the wildest stories and tall tales that not even she believed herself, danced and performed tricks as if she were in the circus. Her father let her do as she pleased. Only sometimes, when it became too much for him, he shouted: "Mary, stop the nonsense and come help me behind the counter!" or "Mary, would ya stop now! Put down the glass, the wine is for the customers!" or "Mary, stop gossiping and get me another barrel of beer from the cellar!" or the like. In general, however, this rarely happened, because the old man loved his daughter and knew that everyone who knew her loved her too. She was so delightful with her guileless joie de vivre, so ravishing with her wit and charm. A little crazy, everyone had to agree on that, but otherwise a dear girl with a heart of gold. Mary was also an extremely gifted dancer. She moved light-footed and nimble like a young deer; it was a pleasure to watch her. But even when she wasn't dancing, she managed to entertain the whole pub. Once she stretched a rope from one end of the room to the next and prepared to balance on it. She managed to walk down the rope to about half of it, then she fell down and broke her wrist. "This girl will be the death of me one day," her father said whenever someone mentioned his daughter. "Where does she get all these ideas from? Straight out of hell, I say. There is no other way to explain this ingenuity. God help me!"

As Mary got older, like young girls tend to do, people started to say that maybe she should become a little more serious and think about her future, about getting married. "Become more serious? Why?" Mary asked. "Bah, to hell with being serious, that's no fun! And I've been thinking about getting married for a long time now, if you want to know exactly. The wedding will be on Sunday in three month’s time, consider yourselves all invited!" She curtsied.

"Really? Is that so?" people asked excitedly. "But who are you marrying?"

"None other than the king." Mary said in a firm voice. There was silence for a moment, then everyone within earshot burst into laughter. The king?! Mary had to be out of her senses! Although the king was not yet married, he would never marry an innkeeper's daughter. Especially not one as feral as this one! Everyone knew that queens had to be well-mannered, classy and elegant! And not to forget aristocratic! Mary was the opposite of all these things, but she had been in earnest when she said she was going to marry the king. She had a plan, which she immediately explained to the amused lot.

For Mary, things were pretty simple. "What makes me different from a queen?" she asked the people in the pub defiantly. "Nothing that you can't learn if you just want it enough!" Well, Mary couldn't talk finely or eat finely or behave respectably or sit still, but if these things were important to the king, then she would learn them. Once she was in the castle, and she would only come in there as a lowly maid, that much was clear even to Mary, she would learn everything there was to learn about the king and in the end become exactly the woman he wanted. The king would certainly be happy not to have to even leave his castle in search of the perfect bride, wouldn't he?

"Sure thing, Mary!" the people laughed and left the pub at dawn. "See you at your wedding, your future majesty." Shaking their heads, they hooked in and stumbled home in serpentine lines. "Jeez, the girl has gone mad! What a shame, losing it so young."

Their mockery only fueled Mary's determination. The very next day she said goodbye to her father and hurried off to the castle to report as a maid. Thanks to her extensive lies about various skills and previous employers, she was immediately hired.

Everything in the castle was so fine and so different from what Mary was used to, but nevertheless she settled in quickly. She was usually found in the chicken coop or in the vegetable garden, where she sang to hens and lettuce heads alike. She could often be found in one of the many corridors, dancing and swinging the broom and dueling with invisible opponents for fun. The other employees in the castle soon became very fond of Mary. Every day after work they gathered around her and then it was all: "Mary, please tell this funny story again! About the three brothers in the pub." or "Mary, can you dance some for us? Please dance!" or "Mary, I bet that you won't be able to beat the stable boy in arm wrestling." ,,Try me!” Mary laughed and felt comfortable among her new friends, but her thoughts still only revolved around the king. She would do what she set out to do!

"How can it be that the king still hasn't found a wife?" Mary asked the cook one day, a grim old woman who had once been the king's fostress. "A handsome man like him. There must be hundreds who want him."

"There are." The cook replied and sprinkled salt over the fish with a generous hand. "But he's terribly picky. All the young daughters of the nobility he knows displease him."

"Oh, why is that?"

"Well, because like I said he's picky." The cook began to explain: The king did not like women who talked too much or talked too loudly. He didn't like it if they were more educated than he was, or more athletic, or smarter, or better on horseback. He didn't like women who were superficial. He found it shameless and repulsive when women showed too much interest in him. He especially didn't like anyone who drank, bet, cursed or hung around bad company. But what he liked least of all were women who were silly and behaved like children. That was the worst thing for him: silliness.

Oh, bloody hell, seems like I have a lot of bloody work ahead of me, Mary thought to herself.

She realized that she would have to change everything, absolutely everything, about herself if she wanted to please the king. She did so quickly and willingly. From one day to the next, she no longer sang or danced, no longer gossiped with the other maids, no longer came up with any mischief or participated in bets, but simply did her tasks conscientiously and quietly. This impressed the king. Sure, it took many times where Mary meticulously positioned herself while cleaning windows or sweeping the castle courtyard in such a way that the king crossed her path, but after some weeks he had noticed her. And her image burned itself into his head, this beautiful woman who cleaned the windows so quietly and thoroughly and barely even looked up when his highness passed by. How could that be? Was she married and therefore ignored him? Finally, the king asked his advisor about her. "Tell me, who is that pretty girl that cleans the windows here so thoroughly?"

"Oh, that is Mary, the new maid." Said the consultant. And since he loved Mary as much as the rest of the castle people, he did not hesitate for long and asked: "Do you want to meet her?"

He had noticed how quiet and serious the girl had seemed lately, and since he was a good and kind man, the adviser hoped that the honor of a personal audience with the king would cheer Mary up. In his opinion, something terrible must have happened to have changed her demeanor so much.

"Why not." Said the king after some time of contemplation. "We will have a cup of tea together."

I hope that will cheer her up, the poor child, thought the adviser, and at once prepared to arrange everything necessary.


How exactly Mary had done it, no one could say in retrospect. But two months later the king declared that he would take her as his wife. She was perfect! As delicate and lovely as a cherry blossom in spring. The woman he had always dreamed of. Who cared that she wasn't aristocratic? She had the heart and the good manners of a queen and as such the world had to accept her, because he would make her one. End of discussion!


The wedding took place on a bright summer day, a Sunday, and the whole kingdom celebrated for three days and three nights. On her wedding day, Mary sat motionless on the throne next to the king's and endured the ceremonies with a wordless smile, but under the long wedding dress, which she secretly found atrociously ugly, her foot bobbed to the beat of the music and she wished she could get up and dance. The people who knew her from the pub had to pinch themselves more than once to make sure it really was their beloved Mary sitting up there on the throne. Dressed and laced in the finest fabrics, her red hair put up into a high tower, she looked so different. Not at all like the girl they once knew.


In the beginning, Mary was beside herself with pride and euphoria. All her efforts had paid off and her daring dream had come true. They must have been so shocked, these dimwits from the pub! Oh, how Mary missed them! However, the king had strictly forbidden her to leave the castle without his supervision and a queen hanging around a pub would be a holy scandal. She had to stay in the castle and maintain her good reputation. Mary knew how much the king hated it when someone disobeyed him, that's why she stayed right where she was and played her new role without allowing herself a single slip up. After all, she had wanted it that way, didn't she? This was all she had ever wanted, right?


Over time, Mary's enthusiasm about her role as queen evaporated. Everyday life was bleak and boring, filled with duties on the one hand, and forbiddances on the other. She didn't even have real political power, that lay solely with her husband, who didn't even care if the harvests were bad and the farmers were tormented by hunger. Mary would have liked to change a few things, cut taxes and the like, but her husband rigorously rejected everything she suggested. She should know her place and leave the affairs of the kingdom to him, he said.


Mary began to miss her carefree life from before. Even the diamond rings and the many silk dresses could no longer comfort her. She became more and more unhappy. Her legs became plump and heavy, as she no longer danced and sat on the throne all day. Her face lost its radiance, her cheeks their redness and her eyes their brilliance. Pale and blue, she sat most of the time at the window, mourning the loss of the person she had once been. Sometimes she thought ruefully of the young lads she used to bat her eyes at in the pub and wished she had married one of them instead.

Mary began to curse her fate and detest her husband. Up close, he didn't look as handsome as he used to do at the parades, where he had always sat high on horseback and his gold crown sparkled in the sun. Mary had fallen light-heartedly in love with his image without knowing the man behind it. She regretted that bitterly, because the king was not only fussy and strict, but also annoyingly boring. This was something she found even worse than his occasional cruelty and incessant control over her. She could handle cruelty, but a man in whose presence even the flies on the wall fell asleep? Mary couldn't bear that. Nevertheless, she tried. She tried for a year and then another year and since she became pregnant at that time, she would probably have tried for eighteen more years if the king hadn't received news that Mary was in great danger. An older cousin of the king, who ruled the neighboring kingdom, felt threatened by the king expecting an heir before he did and sent an assassin to kill the pregnant queen. Mary`s husband immediately declared the highest alert level, terrified for his wife. For her protection, he had her locked in a room in the highest tower and had bars installed in front of the window. Mary sat there day and night, holding her pregnant belly and growing increasingly more miserable.


She was not allowed to leave her cell and was not allowed to receive anyone for the king's fear of the assassin was too great. Three times a day a trusted maid brought her something to eat, otherwise Mary lived in complete seclusion from the world. Meanwhile, the king fell in love with another young girl.


"I've had enough!" Mary said to herself. "I came here to become a queen, not a prisoner. I could hardly have known it at the time but that is apparently one and the same. I will flee!" No sooner said than done. Mary sawed with a whale bone brooch on the bars in front of her window and managed to bend them so far that an opening was created. She waited until it got dark and climbed out. As she sat on the window-sill and looked down at the endless, smooth stone wall of the tower, she was suddenly overcome by doubt. But the thought of having to spend the rest of her life in that tower made her desperate enough to flee. Mary quickly clambered back inside and tied all the clothes and sheets she could find into a long rope. She attached it to what was left of the bars and climbed down the castle walls on it.


"I must be crazy," Mary murmured as she hung there in the darkness. "If only I don't break my neck." But at first everything seemed to be going well and if she had still been the girl, she had been three years ago, Mary would certainly have made it to the floor unscathed. However, the lack of movement had weakened her body and the pregnancy hindered her. When Mary had climbed about halfway, she slipped. The crown, whose brilliance had once blinded her so much, fell from her head and landed on the cobblestones. The sheets tore and Mary landed hard in the courtyard, her scream echoing eerily loud in the silent night.

The next morning, they found the slightly dented crown and not far from it a pool of blood. The castle guards got the shivers: Queen Mary had jumped.

The king declared her dead and had her remains and the crown buried in a coffin a week later. Shortly afterwards he married the other woman. It was a sad day for the whole kingdom and especially for all those who had known Mary.


But among a few ordinary townspeople exists another version of this story. It is said that Mary's father, the pub owner, is said to have missed some items the next morning, such as a long coat and Mary's old dancing shoes. Some residents also claim to have seen how, at dawn of the unfortunate night, a cloaked figure skillfully climbed the city wall and left the kingdom's borders. But no one could ever say for sure what became of Mary. 

September 14, 2024 15:56

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