Because I'm worth it

Each year I tell myself that" this is the year" I will change old habits, kick starting a new and improved version of me . And every year I found myself looking in the mirror at the disappointed face staring back at me ." Oh how I have let you down!" I don't know exactly what triggered me to really give it a good go "this time" , but I knew it would have to be now or never!

If you really want to get into the Nitty gritty of it all . I suppose you could say it stemmed from my childhood . Always feeling like I had to live up to my parents expectations of me ,because they were both high achievers and my two older sisters were accomplished in their chosen fields as well . It didn't matter that there was a huge age gap between my siblings and I . The pressure I was placed under ,left little room for excuses and a "normal "childhood .

Today on the last day of the year 2019, as I looked at the frightened face of a 30 something year old woman , gazing back at me from my bathroom mirror , I felt something "shift" inside of me . Like a part of me that had been missing , perhaps hiding in a quiet corner of my mind , just waiting for the right moment to step forward out of the shadows ! To be seen and heard! For the first time in a long while .

I felt an unfamiliar sensation forming on my face , a smile that saw me grinning from ear to ear . I can't remember the last time I had used my "mouth muscles" in that way! The once tired and bedraggled looking face I used to see every single day , was gone . I mean truly gone ! In her place stood a vibrant beautiful and confident woman . Ready to take on the world with her newfound motivation and determination!

"I am woman hear me roar!"came flying out of her mouth into the once silent room . It felt electrical! , Exhilarating! And magical too!

"Where have you been hiding all of this time ?, You power house of a woman you!"

A voice as though coming out of thin air , replied "I have always been here , within you . With you , throughout every moment you have experienced. Walking the very same path you have "

It was then that I knew the truth . I had shut you away .not because I didn't love you . But because I wanted to be loved . And if that meant shutting a part of me away to please others , then so be it . But you , ever persistent and strong , never gave up on me . Not once! Even when I pushed you further and further into the darkest recess of my mind .

You stayed quiet and waited patiently ,as I lost myself almost completely . Getting caught up in other people's expectations of who they felt I should be .

Almost ...And just as I felt every ounce of my original self vanishing from sight , perhaps forever! You managed to reach me before it was too late! I must admit I was in shock to begin with . But as I sat with you and talked about how it was time for "us" to shine . It just felt right .The timing that is .

All of my previous insecurities and fears seemed to dissipate into thin air , as if they never existed . I guess you could call it an epithany, or a "lightbulb" moment. Definitely not a mid-life crisis ! I am wayy too young for that!

In my line of work , it was my job to help people find and reach their full potential. And being such a perfectionist , I would give my all to each and every client , to make sure they/ succeeded . Yet I felt somewhat detached . As though I had been sitting back observing this whole entire time. I felt all of the emotions that were experienced during these sessions .Yet I never felt fully present . That sums up my entire life up to now , you might say!

Whenever I hear someone mention the year 2020 is just around the corner, the words "clear vision" come to mind . And that is exactly how I was starting to see and feel about my life up to this point in time .

You know how you hear stories about people having near death experiences where they see their whole life flashing before them ? That is how it felt for me! Like every memory from childbirth right up to adulthood , flooded my mind . Like pressing fast forward on the DVD player , my life flashed before me . And I just knew that if I keep on heading down the same path I had been taking , my life would never be my own . That really scared me! And also spurred me into action to take the necessary steps to change my old patterns .

As tears began to form in the corners of my eyes I had never felt so free! To me this realisation of living a "half life" , had really struck a chord deep inside of me ! Opening up a floodgate of emotions buried for far too long!

What I discovered upon this release , was that I didn't feel any anger or resentment towards anyone , because part of me knew that I had always had the choice to say"no!" . And I knew it would be pointless to play the blame game because I already felt enough time had been wasted already.

Today ,or should I say tonight , as it seemed hours had flown by while I sat reflecting on my life ! , Was going to be the start of something good . A journey that only I could take ,on my own .The excitement I could feel rushing throughout my being , was almost too much to take on! But also very exhilarating ! That "child-like" wonder that I thought had been lost ,began to surface once more . I was so giddy with happiness that I found myself dancing around the house as though without a care in the world.

I gave myself a moment or two to calm down before stepping forward once more , to peer at the face that I had always known . Then just as the clock began to chime in the hour of midnight , I made my new years resolution , knowing that in my heart I would vow to keep it this time .Because I am worth it ...