Cross of Hope

How does one get past killing their husband? Is it even possible? Tears nipped at Terri Blake’s eyes as she stared at the frozen grave.

The ache in her chest seemed to want to consume her. A piece of ash brown hair slipped onto her forehead, and she pushed it away with short, pudgy fingers.

Angry clouds that matched Terri's heart shifted across the sky as she knelt on the moist ground in front of the tombstone. Icy winter wind cut into her skin, and she pulled her scarf close.

December in Montana had to be the worst possible time to visit a graveyard. Terri would know. She'd spent many a day at this very spot ever since her husband, Shane, had died.

The picture of Shane stared at her accusingly from behind the snow. That had been his mother's doing. Terri would've never put his picture on his headstone if not for her. But here it would stay. Especially after his mother had died from a heart attack the year after Shane’s death.

Was that somehow Terri’s fault, too?

She squeezed her eyes shut and exhaled the breath she'd been holding for what seemed like a full minute. A white fog escaped her lips as she shifted her balance to wipe snow away from Shane's picture.

The only person with her snapped their fingers in Terri's ear. "Earth to Terri. Hello?"

Terri's eyes fluttered open, and she scowled at her twin sister, Roxanne Simpson. "Can't I have a moment to grieve my husband?"

Roxanne's hazel eyes hit the ground, and she bit her lip. "I'm sorry, of course you can. You just had that look again."

Terri pulled a tissue out of her pocket and wiped her runny nose. "What look is that?"

A worried expression skirted across Roxanne’s face. "The look that tells me you still blame yourself."

A bitter laugh fell from Terri's lips. "I was the one behind the wheel. Who else can be blamed?"

"How is it your fault?" A deep furrow knitted Roxanne’s brow. "There's no way you could've seen the black ice! You're not to blame."

Terri's lips drew into a hard line. The one that had been on her face for the past two years. "Doesn't matter anyway."

Roxanne knelt beside Terri and gripped her shoulder. "Yes, it does! I'm sick of watching my baby sister give up on life. You're not honoring Shane's memory by the way you're acting."

Roxanne happened to be born first, so she called Terri her baby sister. Terri raised off the ground and opened her mouth to blast Roxanne. She bit back the remark when the new preacher walked up.

Today was not her day. 

"Hello, ladies." Wyatt Taylor's cracked lips lifted into a smile before he stopped a few feet away. 

"Hello, Brother Taylor," Roxanne said.

He raised his hands like he wanted to hug Terri, then let them drop to his sides. "Terri, it's so good to see you. How long has it been?"

Not long enough.

Instead of saying what she thought, Terri shrugged and focused her eyes on his cracked lips. Even with his red cheeks and lips that needed a bucket of Vaseline, he reminded Terri of the carefree days of her youth. His tan skin and brown eyes took her back to the person she used to be. The one she’d never be again.

She dug around in the small Coach clutch she'd found at a yard sale the weekend before. "Do you need some Blistex? I have two, and this one's never been used."

How lame could she get?

He pulled an identical one out of his black wool coat pocket. After slathering some on, he grinned. "Terri, I've been hoping to see you at church."

"Yeah, well, I've been busy." She attempted a half smile, but her lips refused to cooperate. Maybe her heart beating like a Clydesdale kept her from smiling. 

In all reality, why should she smile when the man who demolished her heart stood at her late husband's grave like he belonged there? 

Later that night, Terri pulled a pillow over her head when Roxanne plopped onto the bed beside her.

What could she possibly want?

Roxanne pulled the pillow away and met Terri's gaze. "Please come to church with us in the morning."

A thousand fireflies danced around in Terri's stomach. "I can't. Not yet, Roxi."

Tears brimmed in Roxanne's eyes as she softly spoke. "Shane's been gone two years. Don't you think you've punished God far too long?"

Those fireflies turned into fire-breathing dragons. "I’m not punishing God! It’s my fault Shane’s dead, not His.”

“Baby sister, would Shane want you to give up on life? Don and I don’t mind you being here, but don’t you think it’s time to move home?” Roxanne didn’t bother hiding her tears. “Time to turn back to God?”

Tears threatened to fall, but Terri blocked them with all her might. “Every time I go to that house, all I see is Shane. He’s everywhere.”

Roxanne seemed to whisper as she spoke. “God will comfort you and help you get through your pain, but you must rely on Him.”

“I’m not worthy of being in church.” Terri shot off the bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. “But you’re right about going home.”

Roxanne stood in front of the door. “Hold on. We need to talk about your feelings. None of us are worthy. But God loves us. Let’s start with that.”

Terri put her hand on her hip. “Let me pass so I can go home.”

Roxanne stepped aside but gripped Terri’s elbow. “It’s late. At least let me go with you.”

A stubborn line creased Terri’s forehead. “I need to do this alone. While I have the willpower. And my house is only a short walk. I’ll be fine.”

Roxanne’s face softened. “All right, but call if you need anything.”

Terri nodded as she layered enough clothes to keep her warm before disappearing into the night.

Ten minutes later, she stepped onto the wrap-around porch Shane had so lovingly built. She ran her hands down the frosted glass window before stepping inside the home she had shared with Shane for a few short months.

After turning the heat up and making a cup of coffee, she stood at the foot of the master bed. Images of Shane danced around her mind like a ballet until she marched to the sofa with a blanket. Looked like that would be her bed for the night.

She turned on her sleep app and dozed off to the soothing sound of the ocean hitting the shore.

A bright light radiated through the living room window, jolting Terri awake within what seemed like minutes of dozing off.

She tiptoed to the window to see what caused the unusual light.

A cross the size of a football stadium spun in the sky and headed straight for her house. A figure sat atop the cross, boring a hole in Terri.

Her heart flopped, and her skin turned ice cold. This couldn’t be the end for her. She wasn’t ready! Please, no!

Someone screamed. Terri’s bones melted as she braced herself for the end. A terror-filled scream encompassed her mind and body. Who was screaming?

Terri blanched. The scream came from her own lips. Stumbling backward, she fell onto the couch and squeezed her eyes closed.

After a few mind-boggling, body-tingling moments, Terri jerked her eyes open. She darted to the window, not caring that her nightgown reeked of sweat.

Stars lined the sky, lighting up the night as if nothing had happened.

A sob escaped Terri. It had been a dream! She fell to her knees, begging God for forgiveness. She had another chance, and she would not mess it up.

Can your bones be nauseous? After the thirty-minute ride to the church building with Roxanne and her husband, Don, Terri would say they could.

She still couldn’t believe Roxanne and Don had gotten together. Don had been a nerd in school, while Roxanne had been the life of any room she entered. He’d always been shy due to having pale white skin and hair. He didn’t like being called an albino, and Roxanne had stood up to a couple of bullies their senior year. The rest, as they say, was history.  

Roxanne seemed giddy with happiness and didn’t stop talking the entire trip. Which suited Terri. At least she didn’t have to talk much. An occasional head nod and grunt in agreement seemed to suffice Roxanne.

What was she thinking coming to the church where her high school through college sweetheart preached? There were other churches she could’ve visited. So why did she choose to punish herself?

Oh well, it was too late to change her mind.

By the time church was over, Terri’s heart seemed lighter. The sermon had been uplifting and so fitting. Wyatt had preached on the prophet Elisha and how he’d prayed for his servant’s eyes to be opened after King Benhadad attacked them with his army. He’d talked about how that had to be an awe-inspiring moment to have his eyes opened by the God of Heaven. Terri knew it would’ve been as her eyes were also now opened.

She had an opportunity to live her life, and she had better take hold of that. So many others would give anything to have another chance. Who was she to waste it on blame and self-hatred?

Roxanne swiveled her body around to meet Terri’s eyes. “Don’t be mad.”

Terri cocked her head and bit her bottom lip. This couldn’t be good. “Mad about what?”

Roxanne’s face flushed, and she shrugged. “I invited Brother Wyatt to have lunch with us.”

A knot the size of Montana formed in Terri’s stomach. It was worse than she thought.

A memory of her first meeting with Wyatt snaked through her mind. His family had moved to the farm next door. That first week, he’d pranced up and challenged her to a race. On horseback.

The memory of her horse outrunning his caused a half smile to cross her lips. They’d ridden horses together almost every day that summer.

An hour later found Terri sitting across the table from the person she’d once wanted to spend her life with.

Wyatt chewed a bite of Bison Burger and grinned at Roxanne. “After living in Tennessee so long, I’ve missed these.” He licked his lips. “This is one of the best burgers I’ve had.”

Roxanne pointed at Don and screwed her lips up. “I can’t take the credit. This one here is our grill master!”

Terri swallowed the last chuck of burger and stepped over to the sink. “That was good, Roxi and Don. But if you’ll excuse me, I have some packing to do.”

Wyatt wiped a slather of mayonnaise off his mouth and shot up after her. “Terri! I want you to know I truly am thankful you came to service today.”

Not slowing her swift movement, she turned her head slightly toward Wyatt. “I didn’t come for you.” She immediately bit a hole in her tongue. That was uncalled for.

His eyes landed on a brown and white tile, and a flush crept up his neck. “I know that, Terri.”

Fighting the urge to cry wasn’t easy when one had to apologize. “Look, I’m sorry for being snappy.”

He held up both hands, palms facing Terri. “I should’ve asked you to forgive me as soon as I came to town. But I didn’t know if you’d welcome that after all you’ve been through.”

She waved a dismissive hand in his direction. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I handled things poorly. I panicked when you told me you had no intention of leaving Montana for Tennessee.” He took a step closer to Terri. “Please forgive me.”

The dream she had swam around in her mind, and a trickle of fear crept up her spine. Who was she to deny forgiveness?

A smile flashed across her face. The first genuine one she’d had for a man since Shane. “I forgive you, but don’t think we should be friends.”

Wyatt’s eyebrows raised, and his head pulled back. “Why not?”

“We’re just too different.”

“We’ll see about that.” The twinkle in Wyatt’s eyes told Terri that he took that last statement as a challenge. Oh boy.

By the time the winter months turned to spring, Terri had settled into a life she enjoyed. She’d taken a promotion at Social Services, and her life seemed to mean more than it ever had. She had an opportunity to help children, bringing her a sense of peace.

She’d decided to continue attending the church where Wyatt preached, and so far, it had been great. He was friendly, and she found that he had a gift when it came to preaching. To say she was thankful she hadn’t hindered him from going to preaching school in Tennessee was an understatement. It had been a much better choice than marrying her and staying in Montana.

Her horse, Highlander, nipped her hand, and she chuckled. “Don’t be so rough, punk. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve ridden, and I’m sorry.”

A husky voice came from behind Terri. “You talking to yourself or Highlander?”

Wyatt was here. She couldn’t allow herself to get too excited. She had to stand by what she’d said. Even so, her heart rate kicked up a few notches as she met his gaze. “Both.”

“I’ve come to challenge you to a race.” He put his hand on his hip. “Just know I’ll be winning this time.”

A giddy laugh escaped Terri. “Ha, in your dreams!”   

The chilly wind slapped Terri’s hair across her face as she soared through the air. Highlander's heavy hooves beat across the ground as she pushed to catch Wyatt and his horse Jasper.

Wyatt turned around and stuck his tongue out when they got close to the barn. “It only took us a year, but we finally beat y’all!”

Terri snorted and patted Highlander’s side. “I think Highlander let y’all win because she’s sweet on Jasper.”

Wyatt grasped her hand, and his face turned serious. “I get where she’s coming from.”

Terri swallowed as shivers danced across her skin where he touched her. “Oh?”

“I love you, Terri.” Tears misted across his eyelids.

A sense of lightness struck her heart, and she gripped his hand. “I love you, too.”

Five Decembers after Shane’s death, Terri hobbled down the snowy walkway at the graveyard. Wyatt clutched her elbow on one side while Roxanne held onto her other arm. Terri laced her gloved fingers under her round belly and inwardly moaned. Her baby boy seemed to want to have a boxing match.

Her gaze swept the graveyard. Finally, she made out the bench Wyatt had installed the year before. Terri’s hand flew up to her heart as a Black-billed Magpie landed on Shane’s headstone. Its blue tail seemed to glow against the stark white snow.

Terri’s smile softened as the bird flew into the snowy sky. She kept her face turned upward, and like she’d done many times, she scanned the sky for her cross. But unlike that fateful night, she looked for her cross with hope and love.

The End