Who's Mad

Whos’ Mad

A farce in four acts.

Written by: Arthur P. Bottomly.

The Players

Desmond Allwright – Dr Marcus Frenzy

Allison Fawlty – Nurse Rosemary Saver

Leonard Charleston – Malcolm Ashely Davidson

Raymond Pongrass – Master Of Ceremonies

Act 1

Scene 1

A mental health ward of the Bellevue Hospital New York.

A man in a straightjacket lays comatosed on a trolly, eyes wide open, seeing and hearing nothing.

Malcolm Ashly Davidsons, or mad as he was known, had been re-admitted that morning to the hospitals mental health ward, after being released two days prior, due to a clerical error.

In that time, whilst avoiding arrest Malcolm Davidson, had managed to kill three people. Frighten little old ladies, and chase squirrels up trees in Central Park, while screaming hysterically in a foreign language.

Finally, he was apprehended after being tasered by an off-duty policewoman who was birdwatching in the park.

He is being closely observed by a doctor in a white coat and a nurse who are deep in hushed conversation.

Dr Frenzy …

Leaning closer, he speaks to the nurse, you know Rosemary, he’ll never stand trial, no judge is going to convict, he’ll be found unfit to plead, which will mean, life without parole. After all, he did kill three people while on the loose, and he is crazy, I ought to know, I certified him. She nods her head as understanding.

This will reflect badly on the hospital, he continues, unless, a smile creeps onto his face, we blame it on the inmates. He nods, my dear, I think we may have a solution.

Nurse Saver …

Excellent Idea doctor, given they’re all barking mad to begin with, as the hospital does have an inclusion policy that sees selected patients working in admin, who’s to say it wasn’t one of the crazies who messed up? ticked the wrong box? pressed the wrong bottom? we may never know.

She smiles; a look of contentment follows.

Dr Frenzy …

He looks at his watch, it was approaching 6pm, time for the night shift handover.

Fancy a drink, he asks, my office, say 30 minutes? Saver nods

Act 2.

Scene 1

An office in the hospital, high above the streets of Manhattan. Furnished with two leather arm chairs and a small couch. Framed certificates adorn the panelled walls.

A large mahogany desk backs onto a floor to ceiling widow. Outside, the city is dark. Rain is pelting against the window, in the distance, thunder can be heard.

Frenzy, minus the white coat and with a loosened tie is opening a bottle of wine. Saver, now changed into civilian clothes lounges on the couch, cigarette in hand.

Dr Frenzy …

You know Rosemary, 2015 was an excellent year for Sonoma Valley reds, particularly the Cabernets, he sniffs the cork, superb, after handing her a crystal wine glass, eagerly pours another for himself.

Nurse Saver …

Don’t suppose that madman Davidson will remember anything of his time on the loose? Or, for that matter, how he came to be released, and more importantly, who actually opened the door? so to speak, there is a slight hesitancy in her voice.

Dr Frenzy … 32

He touches Saver on the arm, in a reassuring way, have no concerns my dear, the dose of antipsychotic medication I gave him would slow down a horse. He laughs. Clozapine, the psychiatrist’s best friend, suddenly, he becomes more serious, don’t concern yourself, he’ll remember nothing. Besides, irrespective of what he thinks he knows, the trail of mayhem he left will be his undoing.

Nurse Saver …

I hope you’re right; I really do, she sounds unconvinced.

Dr Frenzy …

On a different note, I’m really looking forward to tonight. I’ve put a lot of thought into our appearance. We’re going to give the others a real run for their money. We’ll show them, tonight will be our night, he claps his hands and giggles, reaching for more wine.

Act 3

Scene 1

A small apartment on E 10th Street in the East Village home to nurse Rosemary Saver.

A buzzer sounds, there’s clicking noises as Saver releases the catch.

She opens the door, and steps back, a hand to her mouth in amazement, as

frenzy removes his overcoat revealing a starched white nurses uniform complete with dark stockings and sensible shoes, a stethoscope around his neck and a watch pinned to the uniform’s breast pocket completing the vision.

Saver is dressed in a dark blue double-breasted pin stripped suit with a white shirt and maroon necktie, a monogrammed silk handkerchief trails from the top pocket, she’s wearing highly polished brown English brogues.

Her short hair is plastered down and parted on one side. She’s holding an extremely long cigarette holder with a thin cheroot cigar. There is no makeup, except for an Errol Flynn styled pencilled thin moustache.

Nurse Saver …

Darling, you look amazing, she comments in a put on masculine voice as she squeezes his arm, I insist, you take my temperature later. They both break out in hysterics. Frenzy flops onto the lounge.

We’ve really done it this time; people will have to notice us, won’t they? Frenzy nods.

A glass of bubbles, she asks, the driver won’t be here for 20 minutes or so, plenty of time to have a starter. She smiles. He nods again in approval.

She takes a bottle from the ice bucket and removes the cork with a pop, sending it bouncing of the ceiling, she rushes to catch the spilling champagne.

More laughter.

Act 4

Scene 1

An unused morgue at Bellevue Hospital. It’s 8pm.

The room is buzzing. Crowds of people dressed in wacky costumes are milling around steel gurneys covered with food, and ice buckets full of champagne and an assortment of drinks.

The stainless-steel doors of the cabinets have been hung with coloured sheets of paper, streamers and other decorations masking their true origin.

A coloured ball of light hanging from the ceiling rotates, sending strobe like beams of colour dancing around the room. The space is filled with the loud music that was the madness of the disco scene in the 60’s.

The smell of marijuana hangs heavily in the air.

A couple, dressed in garish silver outfits, each with a red rose held firmly between their teeth roller-skate nimbly between the guests offering silver trays of food and drink. There is much chatter, loud music, and laughter.

Frenzy and Savers costumes are the talk of the gathering; people are admiring and clapping in appreciation, a real show stopper. They smile at each other.

At midnight, a gong is struck. The room is hushed. The evening’s MC, a slim male nurse steps forward, he cuts a dashing figure in his Sir Walter Raleigh costume. The shirt, doublet, hose and surcoat accurately depicting a gentlemen of the period. He’s greeted with applause, wolf whistles and more laughter.

Master of Ceremonies …

People, people, please, he plays down the accolades, waving his manicured hands in the air, I’m touched, in more ways than one, more laughter. This is not about me. Tonight, we are looking for a King and Queen, or perhaps two Queens? He giggles.

And I know from your responses, we have them. More applause.

Please, raise your glasses to toast this seasons King and Queen, our very own Marcus Frenzy and his able assistant, Rosemary Saver.

Frenzy and Saver step forward, bow gracefully, acknowledging the award.

The gathering breaks into rapturous applause, as they are crowned.

The couple are besieged by well-wishers, offering hugs and kisses.

Frenzy puts his arm around Saver, whispering in her ear.

And they think the patients are mad!

They both giggle.

THE END