To Whom it May Concern...

To Whom It May Concern…..

    First of all, be aware I know what you all think of me, I do possess a sound mind even though my body has betrayed me, or at least my mind is as sound as it can be. I know most of you never expected me to get this old before I cracked but here we are. 

If you are here waiting to hear who gets all my riches then you will be sorely saddened to find out there is nobody who will be lucky enough to get all my money even though I am dead. 

I know you are wondering why so let me tell you. When I was alive you never thought I would amount to much so I let you think this was so. You would put me down on a regular basis acting as if I didn’t have brain one to think for myself. I guess at one point I let others think for me because it was so much easier for me to not have to deal with fighting for everything I wanted.

I took it to heart so I kept my head down, my writing took off but I didn’t let anyone know. I poured my heart and soul into my books but still, nobody knew or rather nobody really cared.

I noticed as my bank account grew those who ignored me seem to come back around, the ones who decided they didn’t want me suddenly desired me just a little bit more.   The thing that “took me from reality” became important to those who before said it “was a waste of time” 

I tried to keep it on a down low but of course, as you get more popular, people start to notice. I could have of course stopped writing but really it was the one thing that truly gave me any joy.  

There are one or two who truly supported me and those I have not forgotten.  They know who they are but I guess money would be the best way to tell some of them how much I cared about them. 

Those who want the money will be so sad as they aren’t getting a dime, they didn’t help me to make it. They are the ones who put me down until my writing career took off than they decided it was worth it.  They would smile to my face all while talking shit behind my back, it didn’t matter I could hear them, they still thought I wasn’t smart enough to understand.

I was told I was too loud, I was combative and forceful so I kept quiet. I faded into the background to make life easier for all. When I had to be in the spotlight, I made sure to keep myself as small as possible. If someone else wanted the spotlight I let them grab it, I wasn’t worth much alive but now that I’m dead you think you will get a part of me.

All those times I wanted to kill myself, all alone in the dark that was my mind. Did you once offer to turn on a light, did you once say “Are you okay?” No, but when you thought I was finally going to be worth something then you thought “Oh damn guess I better seem like I care.  You would ask if I was okay then in a heartbeat you would dismiss what I said which just showed me that my importance was based on what you were feeling.

If I didn’t notice you changed something then I was in the wrong but you took weeks to notice if I changed my hair, if I did anything to myself at all you never seemed to notice.  I would ask if I looked okay only to be told “You look fine” but if you asked how you looked and I said “fine” it would be an insult to you.

You ask why I stayed with you for so long, I guess because you made me feel as if I would never be able to live without you.  For so long you used my own insecurities against me, you claim you tried to build me up but when it didn’t seem to work you just didn’t care.

When you stopped caring it was a sign to me that I wasn’t worth your time, each word you said to me dripped with hatred but I stayed around. I did all I could to make you love me but  I guess when you don’t love yourself it’s hard to love someone else.

All the money in the world cannot change what you did to me, the damage you did was something I never recovered from, those who came after you would tell me what they thought about me but I never really believed them.

I would have men tell me they thought I was beautiful but my mind would say “Yeah only until they no longer have any use for you” I guess I have been broken all my life but you made sure I would stay broken.

Now my body rests beneath the earth, never again will I be too much, never again will my loud voice pierce your eardrums. I will never raise my voice again to the point I make you flinch.

I guess if one of my many attempts on my life had worked then you wouldn’t be sitting here wondering why you didn’t get any money and this person did. Maybe if you listened to me just once instead of always making me feel as if I was less than nothing then there’s a good chance you would be the one sitting there with a smile on your face.

I seem to wonder if the money is what is making that person smile or is the memory of me that makes them smile. You will think they are happy that they got money but a part of me thinks it is because I thought enough about them to remember them is why they are smiling.

Maybe I made a difference in someone’s life, made it just a little better.  Maybe not either way it matters as much as I did which means it doesn’t matter at all.