The Folly’s Dutchess

Fall was the first season I ever had to spend without Julia. She died at the end of August, 5 years ago.

Each time Fall rolls around without her, I think it might get easier, but it never does. Each year, as the leaves die, and the weather sharpens, and she's not here with me to enjoy it, to step on the crunchy leaves, drink hot cider, and tell me how cute I look in my beanie... each fall it's worse. 

This year, on the anniversary of her death, I go to our old favorite coffee shop. The one I usually avoid. Sit in our usual spot by the front window. Order her favorite drink, an Americano. 

I pull out my old copy of the book we’d been reading together, right before she died. We were on page 125. 

I start reading from the beginning. 

On page 3, Julia underlines a sentence she liked. 

One page 12, she leaves an exclamation mark next to part where Horace finds out the Duchess has been lying to him. 

I remember her gasping aloud when I read that part to her.

I put down the book. Sip my drink and stare out the window. It takes me a long time to drink it. I don’t like Americanos. 

...

My drink is still half full when the cafe door opens. I glance up, notice the girl walking in. Wavy red hair and a long tan peacoat. Oh no. I actually know her. It's Parker.

I quickly look down, hoping she won’t notice me. Parker is great, but I don’t really want to talk to my casual work friend right now. 

Too late. I accidentally make eye contact and her face lights up in recognition. 

"Beth!" she says with a hyper wave.

She’s already walking towards me. I force a grin and hold back a huge sigh. 

"Hi Parker! Funny running into you here,” I say. 

“I come here all the time!” Parker says, “It’s actually funny that you’ve never run into me before!”

“Yeah?” I say. I try to think of a way to get her to go away without being extremely rude. 

"I'm just gonna grab a coffee," she says, putting down her coat on the chair across from mine and walking to the counter. 

I look out the window again while she waits on line. It's almost 5 o'clock and the sun is turning that warm bright orange color, making all the dead leaves look like art. 

The students are out in full force, crowding the sidewalks, bursting with energy and excitement. I watch a group of girls in flannels and sweaters pour out of the bar across the street. A tall girl in a red flannel drops her phone, doesn't seem to notice, and keeps walking.

"Hi," Parker says breathlessly, returning with a steaming mug of coffee and sitting across from me. "Do you mind if I join you?”

“Yeah of course,’ I say, still looking out the window. A boy in a baseball hat has picked up the phone and is running to give it to her. 

Parker looks where I’m looking. The girl is embarrassed but grateful to her phone returner. The group walks out of my line of vision. 

“That was nice,” Parker says. She turns and smiles at me. “But, I probably would have stole it and sold it on the black market.”

She lifts her mug as though to cheers. I lift up my now cold mug, and clink it with hers.

“You are startlingly honest, as always,” I say. 

We start talking about work. Parker complains about the freshman who are ruining her life, and I complain about the dean ignoring my emails about the green energy initiative I’m trying to start. 

“Have you tried calling her?” Parker asks. 

“The dean? No, I mean, it’s not THAT important. And I don’t want to bother her.”

Parker purses her lips. “I think it’s important. Our campus is pretty behind other schools when it comes to environmentally friendly practices. It really should be a priority.”

I sigh. “Yeah, but I don’t have any kind of relationship with the dean where I can just call her up…”

“I do!” Parker says. “If you want, I can talk to her about it.”

“You do?” I say. “You would?”

“Yeah of course! I’m in the faculty book club with her,” Parker says. “I’ll mention it to her at our next meeting. and see if it’s something she’d be open to.”

“Wow, that’s so nice of you,” I say. I’d always seen Parker as lighthearted, fun loving, and a bit spacy. I suddenly feel bad for underestimating her. 

“Yeah, well, I am pretty great,” Parker says, raising her eyebrows and smirking. 

We both laugh. I relax into my chair and let her vent about the clueless freshman for a while. 

Eventually, the conversation strays to dating. Parker starts telling me about an awful first date she endured the night before.

"But what happened to Peter?" I asked. "I thought you liked him?"

Parker sighed. "I did... at first. But after six dates, I still didn't FEEL anything, you know? He was really nice, but we had no magic... maybe I'm just too picky though."

"No. definitely not," I say. "If the chemistry isn't there, you shouldn't force it. You did the right thing by ending things with him."

"Oh, I didn't end it yet," Parker says. "I should really text him I guess..."

"You're terrible!” I gasp. But I’m laughing. 

"I know I know," Parker says with a careless shrug. "But I'm just keeping my options open!"

I roll my eyes and shake my head at her. But I truly am glad that I ran into her today. I had planned to be alone with my sadness for the entire afternoon… but that could be rescheduled for this evening. 

“Oh my gosh, I just had such a great idea” Parker says, her eyes widening with excitement. “Do you have plans at all tonight?”

Besides reading old love letters and crying alone in my apartment?

I grimace. “I... don’t have anything concrete planned.”

Parker beams, glances around nervously, and leans forward. 

"Ok, so. This is embarrassing, but I was supposed to go to this speed dating thing tonight. Trish and I bought the tickets already, but she just cancelled on me. I feel weird going alone… would you be willing to go with me? You can have Trish’s ticket for free…”

I stare at her, trying to think of a response besides Absolutely Fucking Not. 

“Oh gosh,” I say. “I mean, that sounds fun… but I’m not really… I mean it’s pretty last minute...”

“It doesn’t start until nine! And there’s free food and alcohol! It’ll be fun! You are single right?”

-

We’re lying in the hammock on our back patio. Julia's head is on my chest. I can feel her eyelashes on my chin, her smile on my neck. Her hand on my heart. 

"There's literally nowhere else in the world I'd rather be," she says. 

I smile and hug her closer. It's been a long dreary day, but coming home to her has made me feel like the sun is rising at 6pm. 

We read together until the sun goes down. It’s a lazy Friday evening in the summer. Neither of us have anywhere else we need to be. 

We get up to make dinner. I’m chopping onions and Julia is boiling water for potatoes. I’m humming a song I heard on the radio today. I catch Julia watching me. She smiles that soul melting smile and looks into my eyes. 

“Beth,” she says. Her expression turns serious. "You have to promise me you won't die first.”

I roll my eyes so hard I throw my head back. 

“Julia!”," I say, dragging out her name with fake annoyance. "I HATE when you say that. We were having such a nice evening! Why do you always have to be so morbid?”

I reach out and pull her towards me and she slips into my arms. 

“Just promise ok?” she murmurs into my chest. “I don’t want to spend a single second on earth without you.”

“That doesn’t seem fair,” I say, still holding her, keeping an eye on the simmering water. “I don’t want to live without you either.”

“I didn’t say it was fair,” Julia says. “I’m just telling you my terms.”

"Fine," I say, releasing her and reaching for the stove top dial to stop the water from boiling over. "You can die first. But you have to spend the next 80 years with me first."

Julia smiles and kisses me. 

"Happy to," she says. 

-

I haven't said a word for several long moments. Parker is still sitting across from me, silently sipping her coffee, and waiting, patiently, for me to answer. 

“Wait a minute,” I say. “Is this speed dating thing, just for straight dating?”

“Oh!” Parker says. “I’m an idiot, yes, it is. I just assumed...”

I laugh in relief. “Don’t even worry about it,” I say kindly. “You might want to ask someone else, though.”

Parker smiles painfully, clearly worries that she’s offended me. 

“I’ll ask around,” she says. “Maybe I can convince Tanya to dump her loser boyfriend and come to it.”

“And there’s no reason you can’t go alone!” I say. “It might be more fun that way. You can make up a whole fake identity for yourself.”

Parker laughs and I see some of the tension leave her face.

“I’ll consider it,” she says. 

We talk of other things, and I try to make sure Parker knows I’m not upset with her.

Eventually, I get up to leave, and Parker follows suit. 

We say our goodbyes, and I thank her again for promising to speak to the dean for me. 

“No promises!” she says. “But I’ll use all my charm on her, and see what I can do.”

“I have high hopes then,” I say. 

We wave goodbye, and I start walking home. The sun has pretty much set, but the sky is still dark red. 

It’s not really Fall yet, but the temperature has dropped below 80 for the first time since spring, and the whole town is pretending it’s cold enough for jean jackets and boots again. 

There aren’t any dry leaves to step on yet, but there will be. 

I get home, and make myself dinner. Sit on the back patio to read. 

On the bottom of page 45, Julia wrote “LOL” after the Duchess implies Horace is infertile. 

On page 90, Julia wrote “foreshadowing??” when the Duchess says, “One of these days Horace, you might find a good hat is more valuable than a bad husband.”

We never found out if it really was foreshadowing, because we never finished the book. 

In the last 5 years, I have read the first 125 pages of The Folly’s Duchess, dozens of times. Julia and I found the book at a used book store for 25 cents, and I couldn’t resist buying it, the cover art was so absurd. It features a well-dressed Victorian woman, riding a penny farthing bicycle while a walrus watches, drinking a cup of tea. 

We never found out when or if a walrus does actually enter the story. But the book only has about 200 pages, so if it does, it would surely have to happen soon. 

I put down the book. I clean up my dinner making, and try to ignore the persistent bird pecking at my brain, telling me I feel wrong about something. 

Why did I lie to Parker about why I wouldn’t go to her speed dating night? Why didn’t I just tell her the truth?

I finish cleaning and get ready for bed. Step back on to the patio to grab the book and breathe in the night air. Still no stars, but the air has cooler than it’s been all summer.

I climb into bed and keep reading. 

Page 112. The Duchess is having a playful argument with her maid. Julia writes “I ship it.”

I smile, despite having read the note before, many, many times. 

I reach page 125. I stop reading. There are no more notes from Julia. There never will be.

I don’t want to read this book without her.