Tally Marks

When my mother left this time, I was pretty sure she wasn’t coming back.  She often took ‘sabbaticals’ as she liked to call them and they had become increasingly more frequent. Quinn and I never knew why she left and when she would come back. My father usually would never discuss her sabbaticals with my sister and I or why this time, she left with no warning. I suspect he had something to do with her disappearance, but just didn’t want to admit it. The two of them had been fighting more and more recently and as a result, Quinn and I spent more and more time in the backyard.   

The back of the shed was our perfect hideout since we could not be seen from the house, but could tell exactly what was going on and who was coming. We had mastered being able to tell the difference in the footfalls of our parents and neighbors so we would have sufficient time to hide the cigarettes and alcohol we scavenged from the house. More often we would take alcohol since we knew our parents wouldn’t be able to smell it like they would cigarettes. 

“Do you think mom is ever going to come back?” Quinn asked taking another drink of our father’s vodka. We were pretty sure he knew we were sneaking some out every now and then, but he did nothing to stop us.  When we hit thirteen, our father didn’t have much to do with our upbringing and when our mother left when Quinn was fourteen and me sixteen, he totally checked out. Now that mom was gone, he tried, but more often than not he was working too much to really keep up with what we were doing. 

“I have no idea.  Chances are, probably not. Don’t you think she would have contacted us in some way? Or told us before she left? Usually there is some kind of sign or warning when she has left before.” 

Our parents fought about almost everything – money, dinner, what color the kitchen was, what color shirt I was wearing to school, grades. Anything they could drink alcohol and yell loudly about. Quinn and I were never really sure why they had gotten married in the first place, but suspected it was because our mom was pregnant with me. 

“How many days are we up to this time?” Quinn asked taking another small sip of vodka. 

“Days - 37. Bottles of vodka – 1.5.”  I looked at the tally marks we had been making on the back wall of the shed since our mom had disappeared.  This was the most tally marks we had ever made for our mom leaving.  Usually the chalk only made it to six or seven before we had to erase them. We had learned early on to make the tally marks as high as we could so they would not be washed away when it rained. Our father usually never came back far enough to even see what we were doing or the tally marks. I highly doubted he even knew we marked off the days. 

“We can get Bryan to buy some more once we get to two full bottles. I don’t think he even notices with how much he is drinking these days.”  Quinn stretched her legs out and put them on top of the low brick wall that lined the back of the yard. There were more bricks in the shed to continue the wall, but dad had given up when he had realized how much work the wall would be and was too cheap to pay anyone else to build it. 

“Do you think we should go to the police this time?” I asked hesitantly. I knew Quinn never wanted to call the police about our mother before as she didn’t want any suspicion to come down on us or our father. We had no relatives so if something happened, we both would be sent to foster care as we were still minors. “She’s been gone for over a month. She’s never been gone this long before.” 

“No, I think she’s probably okay.” Quinn closed her eyes, signaling she was done talking about a possible police report.  “What are they going to do anyway?” 

I don’t think she ever took the police in our small town seriously after she was given a ticket for jaywalking. She had just broken up with the officer’s son and was convinced it was solely an act of revenge for breaking his heart. I also think she liked the freedom our father gave us.  As long as we were home relatively on time and the school didn’t call on a regular basis for skipping too many classes, we could essentially do whatever we wanted. He spent too much time at work or with the vodka bottle to really notice what we are doing. 

“At least they would know she is missing,” I said tentatively. Quinn and I had had this conversation multiple times already with no success. I was always pushing to call the police while she was adamant we did not. She thought our mother was fine and had just gotten tired of living and fighting with our father.   

“Again, what are they going to do about it?” Quinn crossed her arms and kept her eyes closed. Another signal that I should give it a rest.   

I stared into the trees at the back of our property as if they could give me a signal of what to do next.  I couldn’t just let my mother slip away from my life. I knew she wouldn’t just leave my sister and I this long with no word at all. I wasn’t really attached either way, but I just wanted to know if she left us on purpose or not. 

Two weeks later, Quinn and I finally headed back to the shed. It had been raining off and on since I brought up contacting the police so we hadn’t made it back to the shed since then. Our mother still hadn’t called or returned and our father’s moods swung between agitation and calm. If he wasn’t looking over his shoulder for someone to jump at him, he sat on the couch and smoked and drank vodka. Quinn and I had turned our babysitting money over to the frat boy next door so he could buy two bottles of vodka to replace the ones we had emptied. 

As we sauntered back to the shed, Quinn was actually the one who brought up our missing mother.  

“Do you think dad actually had something to do with it? With mom missing?” She asked throwing the picnic blanket over her shoulder. It was the only blanket we could wash off with the hose and not ruin it with the mud that was bound to be behind the shed. 

“Well, I had considered it. Mom disappearing would definitely make his life easier and quieter. But I can’t imagine him going far enough to actually hurt her or get rid of her.... Right?” 

“I’m starting to get a little worried,” Quinn said softly. 

“Quinn, it has been almost two whole months and you are just now getting worried about mom?” I asked exasperated. 

“Well, I always thought she would just come back. Why would she just leave us with no explanation. And dad has been acting strange lately.  Have you noticed his mood swings?” 

Instead of answering I ended up running straight into Quinn’s back. 

“Quinn, what?!” I stopped to rub my forehead. I had managed to jam my forehead right into the back of her head. 

“They’re gone. The marks are gone,” she whispered, staring at the back of the shed. 

I stepped around Quinn, not quite believing someone would erase our tally marks. No one ever came back here except for the two of us. But she was right, our tallies were gone. In their place, someone had written YOU’RE NEXT.