Blame It On The Weatherman

Trigger warning: suicide, abuse

Point Of View: Keavy Delaney

London, 2020

"Sometimes, death feels better than staying sober, Miss. Keavy." "Daniel it breaks my heart to hear you say that, I know times are tough right now, I know it feels like everything is just crumbling on-top of you burying you, but I promise you will become stronger, we can fight this together. I'm by your side, so are your parents, teachers, friends and family. We all love you; we all want you to recover and prosper."

"It's so hard, Miss. Keavy I don't know how this even happened, I was always a happy kid. I loved music, dance and fashion. I mean I knew I was always different than my peers, I wasn't into sports like all my mates. But I never felt like a failure; I never felt hopeless. I was hopeful I dreamed amazing colourful dreams. I don't know where I fell apart it's scary how fast I fell into this place it's no place like I have ever been before. Most people don't get it, Miss. Keavy." Placing my hand on the young man's shoulder, I smile sadly feeling the depth of his pain so deep-seated inside his soul it's made itself at home.

I know his pain, I've felt his pain. I've been in this place where he is talking about; it's how I relate so whole heartily to this kids. Dejection was my own home for so many painful years the sting of rejection left me cold, jaded and lost for too many years.

"You get it somehow, Miss. Keavy I don't know how, or why and I know it's not my place to ask, so I won't but thank you for choosing this profession. Thank you for overcoming whatever it was which drove you to that long road. I know I can get better. I know I can turn my life around, I can't do it alone."

Daniel's nervous lip biting makes me remember my past; when I look at him, I don't see Sixteen-Year-Old Daniel Ball of Essex with his bright pink spiked hair, deep cyan eyes seared in a lifetime of pain. I see my twin sister Edele when we were seventeen-years-old. As hard as I try to fight these memories off, I can't; they come flooding back in waves of salty ocean sweeping over my self-conscious.

Dublin, Ireland 2001

"You're pregnant, Edele?" My dad's voice echoed through the house blooming in anger and disgust his eyes two steady steals of hate. "get out I didn't raise no whore." "Daddy please I am so sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen, we just got lost in the moment Dad."

Edele's pleas were cut short when our father charged her grabbing at her hair as she screamed, my sister tried to block his hands which raged lifting over her body lowering in fast-slapping motions across her beautiful delicate face. Dad's hands shoved her violently towards the door "I said out! You broke the rules, and you made your choices, now you deal with the consequences." Frozen in fear my throat had tightened in anger; I had no idea how we got here, all I could do was run to my sister, grab her throw my body over her in protection. "Daddy, stop your hurting her!"

"Stay out of this Keavy; this isn't your business; this is between Edele and me." "No this isn't this is between all of us, we're all family, you can't just throw your daughter out, Mam stop him, please don't let him do this!" My head turned to our Mam Saorise who stood frozen in the kitchen doorway hand covering her mouth in shock; horror tears ran down her beautiful face as she watched our dad level blow after blow into her seventeen-year-old daughter's head, face and back.

She did nothing, so I had to I couldn't I would never leave my sister alone to fend for herself. I was throwing myself over her grabbing her elbow her whole body shaking against mine. I pulled her towards me our dad's fists continue to pound away as I shoved my sister towards the door, we had to get out it was the only thought inside my head at that moment, I had to protect my sister. She's always protected me our whole lives; now it's my turn.

"Keavy-Andrea-Clodagh Delaney, get back here this instant this isn't your punishment, you did nothing wrong. I am not kicking you out. You listen to your father, right this instant!" Whirling around as we get to the front door frame, I stared into my dad's eyes, unable to recognize the eyes of the man who has raised us all these years.

Gone are the clouds of humour which always floated through his emerald orbs, vanished into a faraway land unreachable to my teenage hands. If I could, I would pull them back beg him to remember the times when Edele and I were toddlers running through fields of barley laughing as he chased us pretending he couldn't see us.

I would beg him to remember how he would always find us lift us with each arm hold us high above his head and shower us with showers of tickles and kisses "you'll always be my little princesses, I will love you forever, daddies always love their little girls."

I tried so hard at this moment to make him remember how he felt when Edele was five and learning to roller-skate how he raced to her when she fell and busted her hand. She had held it up blood dripping down, her little lower lip trembling our dad, our hero had scooped her right up rushed her into the house sat her on the bathroom counter and went to work fixing her bloody hand singing to her to stop her tears which slowly started to come down.

I watched from the doorway scared even to try to skate if my sister, who was more rigid and more fearless than I was could get hurt, I would be demolished.

I couldn't find that father the eyes staring back at my seventeen-year-old identical twin sister were cold, lifeless. They make me tremble in cold waves "Dad you listen to me this is not on Edele she is a teenager, she needs your guidance, protection, love and support, not your anger not your judgment. You failed dad, not Edele. I won't stay in a house with a monster who could hurt his child if Edele isn't welcome than neither am I!"

Shoving my sister out of the raging storm inside we step into the pitch-black cold night air of another raging storm this one by mother nature lashing rains, sharp howling winds rip through the nighttime sky. We huddle together trying to protect ourselves and each other "Where are we going to go Keavy? We have no one to turn to." Edele's voice shook in fear as I hurried us both to our car. I couldn't answer her right away. I had no real answers. We were teenagers we hadn't even gotten our leaving certificates, yet we couldn't get a good job, we had no money to our names, we weren't old enough to make any legal choices.

She was pregnant with no insurance no medical care no real options except to keep the baby since abortion was illegal in Ireland in 2001 we couldn't stay. I wouldn't be able to sleep without the fear of waking up to find my sister dead from our dad's violent rages. There was no way anyone in our family would take us in that would go against our dad, Irish families stick together they would support his views, Edele chose to have sex, she had to face the consequences.

We had nothing on us just the clothes on our backs and my book-bag. Closing my eyes, I clutch the steering wheel taking a deep breath; this isn't okay, this isn't right parents should never abandon their kids. I felt Edele's hand on my back still shaking 'Keavy you don't have to do this, you can go back dad still loves you." The tears clogged my sister's throat. I whipped around and threw my arms over her body "You're my twin, my heart, my soul my other half. I will never leave you out on your own."

"Will find a way Edele, it's going to be so hard, but tomorrow we will go on tour with Sinead and Lindsay we will perform our hearts out on stage every night. Make the world fall in love with Desire, will audition for every record label out there, will work our asses off till we get signed and meanwhile will start researching." "Legal options for us will be eighteen in December we can do this. Sharon already said she'll have tutors for us, so we can keep doing our school work, will have to work really hard, harder than we've ever worked before." "If we work hard enough maybe we can get Sharon to let us stay on the tour till December than when we are eighteen they can't split us up or take us to foster care, we can manage Edele, together will be fine. No matter what the weatherman throws at us."

"Damn weatherman." "Yeah, who the hell does he think he is throwing us all these storms? The weather was supposed to be clear blue skies no one called for these storms." We laughed hugging each other tighter. "I'm so scared Keavy, I don't want to be a Mam. I'm only seventeen I want to have a long successful career in music. I can't do that with a baby. God, I am so stupid! So careless! Maybe this is God's punishment; maybe he is trying to tell me I am a disappointment a disgrace. Why didn't I listen to dad? To you? You said to wait to value my body, and I didn't, I dishonoured myself."

Edele's body started to convulse as she clung to me crying hysterically I held my sister our tears mixing in salty waves of regret and pain. "You are not a disappointment; you are not a disgrace. Edele you are beautiful, vibrant, strong and compassionate you are so smart do not ever put yourself down in front of me ever again. I won't tolerate it. I love you always and forever; I get you Edele, I know you the way only a twin can ever understand you."

"We can't tell anyone can we Keavy?"

"No, we can't we have to stick together Edele, close your eyes lean back and try to get some sleep. It's after ten already will sleep in the car tonight. We have to be at the centre by eight-am tomorrow morning so that we can leave. Will survive tonight till then we have plenty of gas will drive around for a while, will take turns. I'll drive first." "Are you okay, did Dad do any major damage?" "No, just sore as hell my pride hurts more, I can recover from these physical bruises, I don't think I can ever forgive dad though Keavy, how could he turn on me like this? I love him Keavy all I have ever tried to do was make our parents proud, how could Mam stand there? I may only be seventeen, but I know damn well that I would never let someone hurt my child, I would die before I ever hurt my child."

"I know Edele, I know how amazing you are, and you don't deserve what happened to you. I know you will be a fantastic Mam. You are amazing sis, I love you, and I am so proud of you, don't ever forget it please."

"I'm trying Keavy, but I feel so lost, I don't know how we got here. I feel like if I weren't around any more than maybe everyone's lives would be so much easier." I was overwhelmed by a combination of fear, sadness, and relief that we were out of that house but homeless and broke. Hearing my sister admit she thought about killing herself caused a knot so tight to form around my heart. I gasped unable to speak or think or even feel anything except intense fear and helplessness. How does someone get that lonely that afraid that life becomes meaningless to them? Edele had always been happy, carefree determined to become a star ever since we were kids she was always singing, dancing around the house. I know because I was right there beside her partners in crime, fashion, song and dance. We were always in sync finishing each other's thoughts, sentences stealing each other's clothes: makeup, jewellery. I knew what she felt before she ever did people could never understand how incredible that feeling is or even how it works unless they are a twin themselves.

So how did this happen? How did I miss the signs where did I miss the turn inside her brain? When did our patterns separate? I never saw it happen, but it had to have been happening for a while the depth of pain inside my sister's voice wasn't just from one night of bad weather, there was a storm raging inside of her so deep it had already consumed her long before she had ever uttered those words,

"I want to die Keavy; I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick of being everyone's problem." "I don't even know who I am anymore, or where I am this isn't me Keavy, this isn't who I use to be. How did I get here? Please help me get out of here."

"Mam and dad would have been better off with only you as their daughter; you would have been better off without me as a sister. I'm sorry I am such a screw-up."

"No Edele, you are not a screw-up. Please listen to me. I listened to you, let me tell you first off that I would not be better off without you Edele, you are my heart, my soul my light, my inspiration. I love you so much; sometimes, it scares me because I feel your pain more than I feel for myself. I would be lost without you Edele."

"It scares me when you talk about hurting yourself; you are not a problem for me; you are my world. I don't know how or why we've gotten to this place, but I won't leave you to fight this off alone, we're in this together. Will find a way through this you have to promise me to try Edele. Please help yourself; please allow yourself to be loved. I can't imagine how scary this feeling is or how overwhelming."

"I hope you never do Keavy because it sucks. It's so frighting. It feels like I am a ghost ... not a part of the real world." "I know it is Edele, I hear it in your voice; I see the pain inside your eyes. I think you need help and I know I said we couldn't tell anyone, but I think we need to ask an adult for help."

"What if they separate us?" "I won't let them Edele; I will make sure they know we need to be together. Let's talk to Sharon she's an adult she seems to care. We have to take the chance to tell someone depression is so scary Edele, we can't battle this storm alone."

"Promise you won't ever abandon me Keavy?"

'Promise me you won't ever hurt yourself Edele? That you'll hold on no matter how much the weatherman screw up?" "I promise Keavy I will always try, and I will reach out for you when he does screw-up."

"Good, if you are too embarrassed to ask for help Edele, just turn to me and say I Blame it on the weatherman." "A little code?" "Yes, something only twins could ever know."

London, 2020

"It's like being stuck in a box that you can't get out of-- a very dark place where you feel so low that even simple tasks are difficult. You feel completely alone. Unable to recognize the path you've gone down or the place where you've ended up. Daniel is a good explanation?"

"Yes, Miss. Keavy it is. Depression sees no future and no answer for any of the problems in my life. Nothing is enjoyable. Nothing can make me smile."

"Yes, Daniel it is when I faced my depression. I was in my mid-twenties my group had broken up my sister was busy living her life, and I was alone. In Edele's shadow, after fighting to get her out of her own shadow for so long, she emerged and once she came out. Well, the world saw only one twin, and I was drowning, and no one saw me struggling to swim to the surface. I didn't know where I was or how I got there."

"So how did you get out? How did you say those words I need help?"

"I never did Daniel, Edele saved my life, just like I had saved hers all those years before. So for you to stand here today and tell me you need help. You have no idea how much I admire that, I know you are strong enough."

"No, Miss Keavy, we are strong enough together." I smile at the wonder of how life is truly a circle my words to Edele from over nineteen- years-ago coming back full circle. Together will be fine, and it's true if you hold on a little longer you can weather any storm no matter how badly the weatherman screws up the forecast.