I hate socializing

     I can feel me being suffocated, choked, squashed, and any other overreacting words I can never think of. Being unable to breathe properly, with my heart beating really fast, it is as if I just come back from an extremely long marathon without getting any rest. My hands are shaking, I am trembling. My shoulders are shuddering as well. Even my legs are shaking and quivering, they feel too feeble to even stand up. I cannot seem to be able to take control of my own self, like my brain tells them to stop functioning subconsciously. It is as if there is someone, or even something whispering in my head with creepy words that I cannot decipher what, but I know it is wicked. And it leads to bad thoughts. I do not know what should I do. Should I sit down? Or, should I stand up? Or, should I even leave here? I-I do not know anymore. Why am I feeling this way? I do not feel like myself.

        My consciousness of the surrounding suddenly came, like, after a millisecond- I saw a lot of people, a crowd, looking at me and whispering to each other. Why? Why are you acting that way? Did I wear my clothes wrong? No, I checked thoroughly even before I went out earlier. I’m sure of that. Or, did I do them wrong? Wait, I did something? I know, I remember that I talked and interacted with someone, but, what did I say? Did what I speak out offend him? Did I bump into someone with his tempting colourful beverage, and spilled his drink on his overly expensive suit? Or, I made the waiter accidentally drop the food servings onto the girl at the table over there?

        Why does everyone look like they are judging me? Are they criticizing me for my look? Or my behaviour? Or worse, just for my existence? Why does it feel like I am in the wrong now? Wait, am I really in the wrong? What did I do wrong, is it even by coming into here? Why is there suddenly a lot of people? No, why are they crowding over the counter? Around the table, near the entrance? I want to go out. I should go out. No, I cannot take this anymore.

        I have to escape. Ahhh- why did I even come here alone? I am suddenly regretting my choice. I should have stayed at home and enjoy my me time in front of the television with my sisters. I should never have to make this, the most extreme decision in my whole life. I should have never gone out alone. It is like walking into a fiery pit, so terrifying. I feel like I am risking the hell out of my life by walking all by myself here. Ahh- regrets, regrets, please leave my mind. It is not like I can change the past. Let bygones be bygones, and now I should focus on the present.

        Please, everyone in this atmosphere, please go away. Please, look away. Do not ever mind me here. I do not need your attention. Just- leave me alone! How I wish I can be invisible. I do not want people to even realise me being here, in the same room as them. No- no, no, no! Why is the girl waiter coming to me? Please do not, I didn’t do anything wrong. Go away! You do not see me, no, I am invisible. I am not here. Please, please, do not come any closer. Do not talk to me. Do not ever dream of interacting with me, because I will be hating that idea.

        “Hey, miss, you have been sitting there all day, have you even ordered your food from the menu?” The waiter is so harsh on me.

I am- doomed. Why do you even bother to check up on me? Or, can’t you at least speak nicely to me? You are asking a question to a customer, you are supposed to be nice, not to be fierce. Are you picking a fight, that you have to be so rude?

        “Uhm, sorry, but I- I- I do not h-. “

        “Oh, you do not even have the menu? You should have told me that you did not get it earlier, not just wasting time sitting like a fool over here.”

So she went back in to the counter, maybe to fetch me a menu.

Ahh, thinking of the menu, does it mean I have to order? Am I obliged to? Should I? No- I do not want to eat. I have already lost my appetite since earlier today. I should go back home now. This situation is not suitable for me. It is so awkward for me to think of. I got up, but-

        “Here you are, the menu. Look quick. What are your choices? Tell me.”

I look at the menu. With my heart almost bursting, I gathered all my courage to say, “so- sorry, but I intend to go back now, So- sorry, I have to- to go back.”

        I walk fast towards the door, without realising the cruel reality that I have to face at the door. The crowd is running towards me. Are they trying to attack me? Am I a criminal to them? An assassin? A weirdo? My breaths become more abnormal, it is harder to breathe than earlier. I do not see anything else, but the world turning black right in front of me.

        I woke up to bright light and cold breeze. I was breathing into something that sells and feels like medicines. By then I realised that I am incubated. I am hospitalised for I do not even know what, but what I am sure about is that I can breathe now, and I feel a bit calmer than earlier. The doctor comes to check upon me, at least it is what I think. I see a glimpse of my medical report. It is written there,

‘Extreme Anxiety Attack’

        Then, my world turns black again.