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Funny Urban Fantasy Fiction

Nathan stalked through a moonlit graveyard, with a squirrel perched on his shoulder. 

The squirrel, who Nathan had decided to name Gary, was the reason Nathan felt confident enough to stride through the graveyard with his shovel and his candles. 

Gary was unusually quiet and still for a squirrel, but he had a heart beat. A heart beat which had been noticeably absent when Nathan found him. There were still puncture wounds in various places from his run in with the neighbor’s dog. His fur stood up straight, his nervous whiskers bent at odd angles, and his eye twitched nervously, but he was alive. 

And not a moment too soon. 

Nathan had spent the last three days trying to unlock the secrets of necromancy. The fact that he had succeeded just in time for the full moon, which the book said was the best time of month for resurrections, seemed a good omen.

They passed by headstones in a variety of styles and ages. Nathan skimmed over the names, listening to the sound of an owl in the distance and his combat boots squelching in the wet grass. 

Finally, he found what he was looking for. 

A fresh grave. The electronic coffin lift was still set up in a silvery rectangle beneath the headstone.

Ellen Costas

Loving wife, mother and grandmother

1941-2023

Nathan got to work, carving sigils in the fresh turf over the grave and setting out candles. Then he sat down cross legged, gently setting Gary beside him. 

Nathan ran his tongue over his lip ring and double checked that he was ready. 

“Sigil’s, check, candles, check, offering… right.” 

Nathan pulled a piece of steak out of his bag and unwrapped it. 

Gary shrieked and dove inside Nathan’s bag. 

Nathan looked around, checking for dogs this time. There were none. 

“It’s alright, Gary,” he said, carefully taking the rodent out of his bag. 

Gary continued to shake, his eyes darting back and forth. 

Nathan ran a soothing hand over his fur, then pulled out an apple and a bunch of grapes to set out next to the steak. 

He plucked one of the grapes and handed it to Gary, who took it and nibbled nervously. 

Then, taking a deep breath, Nathan began to chant.  

The Latin words came from the book he’d been studying. He didn’t know what they meant, or even if he was pronouncing them correctly, but he thought it was appropriate that he was using a dead language for his art. 

He closed his eyes, concentrating on the way he breathed around the spell.

When he had repeated the Latin phrases sixty-six times, he sat back and waited. 

The moon moved directly overhead and mushrooms began to bloom over the grave. They popped up between the sigils, crawling and spreading in bulbous lumps and waves. 

Nathan smiled. 

When the mushrooms stopped growing, he picked up his shovel and began to dig. 

The digging part turned out to be the hardest part. Moving six square feet of dirt was not as easy as it looked in the movies.

It took him the better part of an hour. By the time Nathan’s shovel bumped up against the coffin lid, his arms were burning and blisters were forming on his hands. 

He set the shovel aside and shook out his arms, before reaching down and opening the lid. 

Inside, a pair of blue eyes fluttered open.

They belonged to an elderly woman. She sat up, a halo of wispy white hair following in her wake. 

She blinked and looked around.

“Nathaniel?” she finally asked. 

Nathan breathed out, tears surprising him as they sprang to his eyes. 

“Grandma!” 

“What is going on?” Ellen asked. 

“Come on, let me help you out of there.” Nathan held out a hand. 

Ellen ignored him, looking around again. She seemed to notice the coffin for the first time, and ran her hand over the wood 

“Oh, Nathaniel,” she whispered. “What have you done?” 

“Come on, I’ll explain when we get out of here.” 

“No,” she said mutinously. Then she laid down and crossed her arms over her chest. “Put me back.” 

“Put you back?” Nathaniel cried. 

Overhead there was some chittering. 

Nathan and Ellen looked up to find Gary staring down at them. 

“What is that?” Ellen asked. 

“Nothing.” Nathan waved at Gary to get out of the way.

“Nathaniel Gregory Costas, you didn’t!” Ellen.

“Well I wasn’t going to try it on you first!” Nathan crossed his arms.

“I thought I could trust you with the family secret.” Ellen glared at her grandson. “I warned you not to get involved in the dark arts.”

“But why? I finally understand. It finally makes sense! why I’ve always felt different, why I’ve always been drawn to death…” 

“Nathaniel,” Ellen cut him off. “That has nothing to do with it. That’s just you. You don’t need an explanation for who you are.” 

Nathan deflated. 

Ellen finally stood up and put a hand on his cheek. 

“Breaking the laws of nature won’t solve your problems. In my experience, it usually just causes more.” 

Nathan’s chin jut out. “But I miss you.” 

Ellen’s eyes softened. “I miss you, too, dear.” 

She pulled him into a hug. He was nearly a foot taller than her and he had to stoop. But she rubbed his back as if he was a child. 

“So you’ll come home?” he asked.

Ellen released her grandson, shaking her head. 

“Nathaniel, I’ve been dead for-” she looked down at herself. “How long have I been dead?” 

“Three days.” 

“Well that would explain the stiffness,” she said, cracking her neck. “Don’t you think people will notice if I’m suddenly back again?” 

“Er-”

“Besides, I was having a very nice time with your grandfather before you showed up. And to tell you the truth, I did not appreciate the interruption.” 

Nathan had the decency to look guilty. “Sorry,” he muttered. 

Ellen smiled. 

“So you’ll send me back?” 

Nathan ran his tongue over his lip ring. “I…” 

Ellen’s shoulders slumped. 

“You don’t know how, do you?” 

Nathan shook his head. 

Ellen sighed. 

“I could raise Grandpa, too?” Nathan offered. “He’s right next door. I just need-” 

“No!” Ellen cut him off, with a shiver. “It’s been much too long.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“The results would be… unpleasant. You have to put me back.” 

Nathan sighed. “Alright, alright.” He pulled a book with a yellow cover out one of his trench coat pockets and started fumbling through the pages. “I just need to find…” 

“What is that?” Ellen asked. 

Nathan held up the book. 

Necromancy for Dummies

Ellen lowered her face into her hand. 

“You don’t need that. Here.” She laid back down in her coffin. “Just put your hand on my forehead,” she moved his hand onto her brow, “Breathe slowly, and concentrate.” 

Nathan closed his eyes and began to do what she said. 

“Oh, and one more thing,” Ellen’s eyes flew back open. 

“Yes?” 

“Don’t forget to put my grave back in order when you’re done. You know how I feel about a mess.” 

“I will,” Nathan said. 

“And Nathan?” 

“Yes?” 

“I love you,” she said. “And I always will.” 

Nathan sniffed back tears that threatened him once again. 

“I love you, too, Grandma,” he managed around the lump in his throat. 

She put a hand on his cheek, and then resumed her serene pose. 

Nathan took a minute to compose himself, then set to work putting things right. 

April 14, 2023 03:57

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4 comments

Jennifer Fremon
11:58 Apr 20, 2023

This was a really fun take on the theme of a favor being a nuisance. I really enjoyed it!

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Amy Bush
16:47 Apr 22, 2023

Thanks Jennifer!

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David Sweet
15:41 Apr 19, 2023

This was a fun story. I enjoyed it very much. I especially enjoyed Gary and would have liked to have had him reacting to things from beginning to end. I liked the touch of Grandma cracking her neck, and "Necromancy for Dummies." It was a little more light-hearted than expected. Thanks.

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Amy Bush
16:47 Apr 22, 2023

Thanks for the feedback David!

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