Greater things

(Trigger warning: abuse, assault, suicide)

Dear diary,

It's my birthday today! I'm turning fourteen  years old, and I just started high school this year. Mom said she was going to take me out for ice-cream but when I tried to wake her up this morning she said she had a headache. I should have known she wasn't going to get out of bed. She's like that sometimes, I wish I knew why she gets so sad. I tried to make her some food and tea like grandma does for me when I don't feel well, but she yelled at me to leave her alone. Oh, I have to go now. My baby brother just woke up. He's hungry and I have to feed him. 

Love,

Alexandria

Dear diary,

It's been a while. School is almost over but I wish it weren't. Sometimes it's nice to go to school, I don't have to take care of Carlos or listen to him cry. Mom helps sometimes, but she mostly lays on the couch. Last week we had fun though! She woke me up at midnight and we made cookies then danced to music. We woke up Carlos though. Mom wanted to keep him up to play, but he was cranky and tired. I tried to get him back to sleep, but mom wanted to keep him up to play. He just kept crying, she got mad at us and yelled before she went back upstairs to bed. She hasn't come out much since. Well, I better go finish my school work. i have a lot of stuff to catch up on. I missed some days because I had to stay home with Carlos.

Love,

Alexandria

Dear diary, 

The summer is almost over, but I can't wait for school to start again. We didn't get to do much, mom took us to Kings Island for a day. I got to ride so many rides, it was so much fun! I saw some kids from school and got to say hi. I asked if I could go ride with them but mom said I had to stay and help with Carlos. It was okay, I got to take Carlos on the merry-go-round. He loved it, I wanted to go back but mom got sad again when Carlos' dad told her he wouldn't give her any more money till she got a job. We stopped going out so much after he yelled at her. I still take Carlos to the park though, Because it's free and I heard one of my friend's moms say that it's good to go outside. Well, I should go now. I have to walk the neighbors' dogs. They give me money every week! Mom says we don't have any, so we really need it. 

Love,

Alexandria

Dear diary, 

It's my birthday, I'm 15 this year. School's been pretty fun so far. Mr. Hines showed us the really cool trick in biology, he soaked my hand in this soapy water and lit it on fire! I didn't even feel anything, it was so much fun. I love biology, I try to study as hard as I can. I don't do so well on the tests though because I miss a lot of school. Our school Levy failed, I don't really understand what happened but we lost our school buses. I get money from babysitting sometimes and use it to take a taxi to school but I don't have enough to go everyday. Mom says she's too tired to take me. At least I don't have to watch Carlos so much, he started school this year. They still have buses for him. When I'm home, I try to find work in the neighborhood. But sometimes mom says she needs me to stay home and help her clean. I don't mind it so much, I think if we cleaned more there wouldn't be so many bugs. Plus, when we do laundry we take all the clothes and pile them on her bed and fold together. Last time mom got rum and mixed it with coke, she let me drink with her while we put all the clothes. It was fun, I like when she's happy. I wish she was always happy. Carlos' dad started giving us money again, so mom is a little better. But now he comes to visit a lot and they're always yelling at each other. I tried to call the cops when he smacked her in the face but mom told me not to. She said that cops never help and they'd just make it worse. I wish he would have just stayed away.

Sincerely,

Alexandria

Dear diary

I hate her SO much. I finally had a friend come over, her name is Kaylee. We talk in class ALL THE TIME. But mom never lets me go to anyone's house. Kaylee's mom said she could spend the night this weekend and I was so excited! Kaylee was texting this boy and he wanted us to meet him and his friends at the park. I said no because it sounded dangerous. She gave my number to this guy, Tyler. I have a couple classes with him. He's really cute. But he kept asking me to sneak out. I told Kaylee we should go to bed because Carlos wakes up kind of early sometimes. But when we were sleeping mom came into my room and started hitting us with the broom! She was just trying to hit me but she got Kaylee too. Kaylee started crying and called her mom to pick her up. Her mom yelled at mine and threatened to call CPS? On her. I don't know what that is but my mom got really mad and told her to leave. She kept yelling at me and calling me a slut! I haven't even kissed a boy yet, she said she read my messages to Tyler and knew I was sleeping with him. Then she took my phone away. It doesn't even matter, I don't have any friends now anyway. 

Alexandria

Dear diary,

We had our laundry day today. Mom got us this stuff called tequila rose. It was pretty good, it tasted like strawberry milk. I don't like her drinking though. She told me that when she found out she was pregnant with me she didn't want me. She said she was supposed to have an abortion but the doctor wouldn't let her have anymore. She said I ruined her life. I wonder if she wouldn't be so sad if the doctor let her do what she wanted. Maybe if I wasn't here, she could be happy. No one else would miss me anyway. No one even knows I exist. Grandma comes to check on us sometimes but mom always makes her leave. My aunt's and uncles send me clothes and money but I think they just feel sorry for me. They used to take me with them on camping trips and vacations but now they have their own kids, they don't have a lot of time for me anymore. I don't know, I'm so tired. I wish I had someone to talk to. I have you of course but, you don't talk back… 

Alexandria

Dear diary,

I have great news! There's this guy guys Michael, he lives down the street from me. He's a senior! He thinks I'm really hot. Sometimes I sneak out and meet him at the park at night. He does really talk to me in school though.   I'm just too nervous to ask. I don't want to make him mad at me. But it's summer now anyway, so it doesn't really matter. I was scared to sneak out at first but Michael said, I might as well do what my mom punishes me for so it's worth it. It made sense, I mean she's always hitting me saying I'm sneaking out with boys and calling me a slut. I should at least have fun right?  I have to go, I'm meeting Michael again he says he has to tell me something. 

Love 

Alexandria

Dear diary, 

Michael told me he loved me, Im so happy! I love him too. He said we should have sex because that's what people who love each other do. I don't really want to though because I have to take care of Carlos and I don't want to get pregnant. I never want to have kids. But he got really mad at me and stopped talking to me, it's been a week. I'm really worried. Maybe I should just have sex with him, we can be really careful right? 

Alexandria

Dear diary,

Michael broke up with me today. I don't know what I did wrong. I had sex with him, we did it in the back of his mustang. It wasn't really fun or anything. I didn't know what to do. When he dropped me off at home he said we should break up. I tried not to cry but I just don't know what I did wrong. Maybe it didn't do it right? My heart hurts so bad. 

Alexandria

Dear diary,

It's my 16th birthday today, grandma is going to take me to get my license. Mom wasn't going to let me but we got in trouble for me missing so much school. They said I'd have to take online classes as well as my current classes if I want to graduate on time. Mom told them it was because I never want to go to school. She lies all the time. I hate it. But they told her she needed to be a parent and not a child. I liked that, I'm tired of always taking care of her and Carlos. Grandma says shes going to let me take her car to school if I take her to work in the mornings. It's going to be hard, I'll have to wake up and take her to work at 4 am to make it to school in time. But at least I'll graduate. And when I graduate I can go to college and get out of this place. I just want to get far away from here. I'll miss Carlos and my family but I can't wait to get away from my mom. 

Alexandria

Dear diary,

It's been a long time but I just need to vent. Mom found out I was saving money to leave. She got so mad, she pushed me down the stairs. I tried to grab something to stop from falling but I accidentally scratched her arm. She called the cops on me, they put me in the cop car while they talked to her and said I better hope she doesn't press charges. She didn't, luckily. They said I could have gone to jail. Mom was right, they never help with anything. Mom said we're going to the bar tonight, she takes me out sometimes so I can drive her home, she lets me drink a little too. We're probably celebrating my birthday, it's next week. I'll be 17, I'm almost free. 

Sincerely

Alexandria

Dear diary

Mom took me out for my birthday, she had everyone at the bar buy me drinks, I got really drunk. I wanted to go home but she wasn't ready yet. She asked this guy to drive me back, she said he was a good friend. I was so dizzy, I could barely hold my head up. He took me back home and laid me on the bed. But then he started taking my pants off, I told him no but he wouldn't listen. I tried to push him off but I couldn't move my arms. I don't remember what else happened, I think I fell asleep. I just didn't feel good when I woke up. I told mom about it in the morning. I told her how worried I was about being pregnant because I didn't know if he wore protection. But she just yelled at me and called me a whore. She said I shouldn't have let me have sex with me. Then she told my family that I was pregnant by a stranger from the bar. They all were so mad. Everyone hates me. Why didn't I just push him off? Anyway I tried to find my money that I've been saving so I could leave but my mom stole it and has been using it to drink at the bar. I yelled at her about it. She said I didn't need it anyway. She's right. I'm never getting out of here, I'm barely passing my classes and I don't have enough for a car. No one will talk to me now. I just feel so alone. 

Alexandria

Dear diary,

This is my last entry. I'm just so tired, I don't want to do this anymore. I took some pills in my mom's medicine cabinet, I took a lot actually. I don't know how soon they work though. Im feeling kind of tired I guess. I'm just going to lay down. I wanted to say goodbye to at least someone. 

Goodbye

Alexandria

Dear diary,

I'm in the hospital, I woke up yesterday morning. I was kind of surprised. I was really tired though, mom came and woke me up. She wanted to take me to school. She must have been in one of her good moods. When I got out of the car, I felt really dizzy. I told mom I didn't feel well but she just told me to find the nurse. I don't remember what happened, I just saw lights flashing over me and heard sirens. When I woke up my family was waiting for me. Even my dad. My mom was yelling at my uncle, she said he shouldn't have called my dad. But I'm kind of glad he did, it's been so long. Dad asked if I wanted to move to North Carolina with him. It would be nice to leave but I don't really know him that well. I think I should stay home. My aunt talked to me when everyone left. She said she didn't know how bad everything was but that I needed to stay alive. That there was more waiting for me and if I died I wouldn't get to see it. She promised to help me go to college if I don't try to kill myself again. It was kind of nice seeing everyone care. I told her I'll try. I'm going to get some sleep, I'm really tired. 

Sincerely,

Alexandria

Dear diary,

I graduated today, I moved in with my grandma and will start community college in the fall. I'm going to work all summer to pay for it. My aunt helped me get a loan but she said it's best to pay what I can and not have too much debt. I'm really excited. I think I want to be a nurse. 

Alexandria

Dear Diary,

It's been a long time, friend. I just found you while cleaning out my old room. Grandma is moving and needs to get rid of some stuff. I'm sitting on the floor reading you, as my son sleeps in the next room. I'm 25, married to an amazing husband. I'm about to start school again. I just wanted to say, I'm glad I stayed alive to see the greater things. 

Love,

Alexandria