A Bunch of Hooey

As Rocco drove, Angelo read from a brochure about Sedona, Arizona. His son, Rocco, had been pestering him to visit him from Idaho to go hiking for the past six months. His garden was harvested, and Angelo booked a flight. He was excited to see this place Rocco had described as paradise.

“Sedona’s beauty overwhelms visitors as they drive into the town on State Route 179, also known as the Red Rock Scenic Byway.”

Rocco and his wife had retired and relocated here to start a healing salt-air business. It was Angelo’s first visit to Sedona. He had to admit that the huge red rock formations that jutted along the skyline out of nowhere overwhelmed him. Twisted pine trees and manzanita bushes dotted the landscape beyond the highway. Angelo snapped pictures with his cell phone as they inched through the roundabouts on AZ SR 179.

“Those gnarled trees, you pointed out, particularly junipers, are indicators of vortices. That’s one of the main reasons people visit Sedona,” Rocco said

“Vortices? I thought they came because of these stunning views of the red rocks,” Angelo said.

As a teacher, Angelo had studied science extensively. He knew that the twist in trees was a natural result of the wind and harsh desert environment, but he hated to squelch Rocco’s enthusiasm.

“There’s more to them than meets the eye. Trust me, Pops, plenty of visitors come to experience positive energy and feel good. That’s what we are counting on in our business. You’ll get a chance to sit in our salt room. Trust me, you’ll breathe like a twenty-year-old again,” Rocco said.

“Not to argue the point, but tornadoes are vortices, too. Those devils suck energy and swirl things like cars and trees around and drop them other places. Vortices don’t always signify positive energy, kiddo.”

“Yeah, Pops, I don’t think we are talking about the same kind of vortexes. When we hike the trail, we look for trees with unusual spiraling growth patterns. Folks who have lived here a long time say that’s visual proof of the vortex energy. That’s what I’m talking about.”

“What do swirling trees have to do with people feeling good?” Angelo played the devil’s advocate.

“People who come here and experience the serenity and awe-inspiring landscape are often overcome with emotion,” Rocco said, quoting the brochure nearly word for word. “It is thrilling, calming, and magical.”

“Seriously, son, this vortex stuff sounds like a bunch of hooey. Don’t get too carried away by it.”

A pragmatist and devout Christian, Angelo felt uncomfortable with the idea of the spiritual aspect of vortices. His son was long past the age of being swept away into strange cults, but all the vortex talk bordered on cultish zeal. He hadn’t seen any evidence of a cult leader, but Angelo’s spirit was on high alert.

“Right, Pops. You’ll feel something. We’ll use your testimony as an advertisement for our wellness products. At your age, you’ll be the perfect model of health and wellness.”

“Yeah, I love being a model. What do you mean, at my age?”

“Pops, not every 78-year-old would be willing to go on a hike, even a short one, without their walker. Look at you, you’re as spry as I am.”

I hope you are right. Angelo glanced at his son to see if he was serious or pulling his leg. He couldn’t tell. His son hiked all the time. Working out was one thing, but Angelo hadn’t ever seriously hiked at an elevation over 2,000 feet.

The path started like a walk through the mall. Fifteen minutes later, it felt like days had elapsed since they had left the trailhead. The signpost at the trail’s start read, “Three-point-six miles around Sedona’s Bell and Courthouse Rock.”

Lying sign. Out of breath, each step felt like he’d walked a mile uphill.

“Doesn’t this make you feel great, Pops?” Rocco spread his arms and spun around, the wind smugly delivered his words to Angelo.

“Yeah, like a tornado was sucking the energy out of me. Are you after your inheritance early? Is that what this is all about, Roc?” Angelo grunted.

The wind swirled around, twirling the golden grasses, then snatched Angelo’s words out of his mouth and wafted them to the hikers behind him. Rocco kept an even pace while Angelo stopped to snap pictures and catch his breath.

Along the broad path, the twisted juniper pines, shaped like the Joker’s demented Chelsea grins, taunted him, “You can’t make it. I’d like to see you try. You’ll be as twisted as I am if you finish.”

We’ll see, Joker. I know you’re hiding in these trees, you evil character. You can’t scare me into turning back.

The most recent signpost they’d passed read, 1.5 miles. Two miles to go. Despite his son’s admonitions, he had not lathered his skin with sunscreen, and his arms itched with the dry September heat radiating invisibly around him. He pictured himself walking in the Sahara Desert, an oasis dancing through the heat waves rising off the dunes. Fortunately, he was never without his hat, but he wished it had a broader brim and one of those things that hung down the back of his neck.

“Pops, are you okay back there?” His son turned around and started back downhill toward him.

Where is he getting all his energy? Angelo’s angry thoughts, blaming his son for convincing him to hike, swirled away in short puffs of vortex energy.

If I believed in all that vortex stuff, I’d swear it was being vindictive for my lack of belief.

“Get your water out of your backpack, Pops. You can’t let yourself get dehydrated in this heat.

“Isn’t it supposed to be cooling off by September. It’s fall.” He felt a little nauseated, but he didn’t want to mention it to his fitness-crazed son

“High desert, Pops. It probably won’t cool down until mid to late November. Then you never know when you might be hiking in snow.” His son took a long draw on the plastic tube emerging from the front of his vest. “You should get one of these. You look a little green. Wanna go back?

“Hell, no. You think I’m going to let this little hooey baloney vortex suck the life out of me. You come from good genes, kiddo. Your pops is no quitter EVEN AT MY AGE.” He spat the words into the wind and attempted a grin

“Very funny, Pops. Why don’t you sit down for a minute? We don’t have to rush.

Not seeing any bench nearby, Angelo sat down on a small flat spot at the edge of one of the sharp red rocks and slipped his backpack off. He packed light, so it took just a second to find his water bottle among the emergency protein bars he’d brought if his sugar level dropped.

“We’re headed into a bit of a steep section of the path in about a quarter of a mile. You sure you don’t want to head back?”

Rather than answer, Angelo jumped up, ignoring his stomach, which usually didn’t bother him, and trudged to his goal. Making it around Bell and Courthouse Rock had become personal.

“Isn't this amazing, Pops?”

“I’ve seen rocks before,” he muttered. “I can see them just as well from the car.”

The path narrowed, with cacti growing menacingly close to its edge. The manzanita bushes screamed at him for a few drops from his water bottle. He ignored them, faced again with another twisted juniper sneering as he stumbled on a rock jutting up on the rougher path.

“You’re showing your age, Pops. Don’t be so grumpy. Look at this gorgeous view of Bell Rock.

I nodded, putting one foot in front of the other. You look at it. I’ve got to pay attention or I’ll tumble over that little cliff.

Ahead, Angelo sighed as the steep, narrow section broadened into a flat footpath that went for a while before it rounded a curve. The next wire signholder was barely visible, filled with small boulders about 500 feet ahead of him.

When he reached it, Angelo leaned against the boulder cage and finished the remaining few ounces of the 16-ounce bottle. He’d only brought one bottle. He hadn’t counted on it being so warm this late in the year.

I hope the rest of the way is flat. I can do this. We must be getting close to 2.5 miles at least.

“Have you ever seen skies this blue, Pops? Doesn’t that cloud look like a whale?”

“Dunno. I don’t see a cloud in the sky. Want a protein bar?”

“Nah, I’m good. We’ll have lunch when we get back, remember? Ellie always makes something special for after the hike. Maybe the whale morphed.

Or the vortex has sucked out your retina.

After several rounds of rocky stairs and minor climbs, the path widened, once again into the easy walking trail they had started on. Yet, every step forward seemed harder than the one before. Angelo was aware of every bone in his body, each one of them shrieking with pain. They sounded like a pack of coyotes hunting rabbits in the night. With every excruciating step, he imagined that he was walking on a bed of nails hung over a fire pit full of rattlesnakes. He didn’t dare stop.

Once they reached the flat trail, Rocco forged ahead to get the van. Angelo could see its rectangular silhouette against the dazzling skyline.

Fine advertisement, I am. I’m not sure I can even make it to the car.

About that time, two young people with white wings like clouds walked beside him, looping an arm under each of his. As they moved along, he felt himself hovering inches above the trail. His pain intensified with each step, even though his feet didn’t seem to touch the ground, but he couldn’t fall. They deposited him beside the van, and he leaned on the hood for a minute before hobbling to the passenger door.

Rocco opened the door and helped him into the car, taking his shoulders and helping him turn at the hips so he could sit down. Then Rocco picked up his legs and gently folded them into the van.

“Thanks, guys, I …” Angelo’s voice trailed off. The young people had gone.

“Hey, it’s just me, Pops. You’re not seeing things, are you? You seemed pretty shaky those last few steps to the car.”

“I guess I’m just exhausted. I’ve never been so exhausted by such a short hike in my life, kiddo. You finally eclipsed your old man.”

Vortices could be negative, like tornadoes. Nothing says it’s not a natural occurrence. Right?

Angelo leaned back and closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, the view of Bell Rock filled the passenger-side window.

“Hold up, Son. I want to take in this view for a minute. It’s overwhelming to think that an hour ago, we climbed up about a quarter of the way up there on the back side. That’s quite an accomplishment, don’t you think?”

Amazingly, his stomach felt better even though his muscles and bones had joined in a moaning duet that only he could hear. Angelo opened the window to allow their groans to blow away on the next gust of wind.

“Bell Rock is often associated with masculine energy, promoting action, and setting goals. I’d say it lived up to its reputation, wouldn’t you? Pops.

“Crazy bunch of hooey, this vortex stuff. Let’s go see what Ellie has cooked up for dinner, huh?”