The cedar chest

Trigger warning: child abuse

Tracey stood quietly as the line moved slowly by. People she knew and others she only recognized from stories and pictures from her mother's work. Voices that seemed a million miles away offered condolences for the loss of Tracey's mother. "Am I too old to be considered an orphin?" Her father had passed from cancer a few years earlier, the same dreadful disease that had stolen her mother now. After the funeral she decided to go to the park where her parents often took her when she was younger to try to bring back memories of when things were happy, when she had both of her parents and they had not become only a shadow of who they once had been before cancer ravaged their once lively bodies and souls. She sat on the swings and tried to remember the laughter or their voices but something in her mond had blocked her memories of those times. As Tracey walked to her car she felt the warmth of the sun on her face and the slight breeze blowing through her long blonde hair. The birds chirping and a couple of squirrels fighting over a french fry on the ground. How can life continue when hers is at a stand still? That night Tracey was moving some coats and blankets to the attic for storage and she came across something from her childhood. Something she hadn't seen for years. Her mother asked her to store it several years back when she decided to sell the home she had shared with Tracey's father after he passed. She had moved to a small apartment to be nearer Tracey. As Tracey opened the chest the smell of cedar filled her nose and she felt something was happening. Flashes of memories began moving through her mind as if someone had started a movie reel in her mind.

Tracey began looking through old photos of her parents and herself as well as some others she did not recognize. A memory of her being inside the chest kept creeping into her thoughts. She was crying in the memory but why? She was reminded of some nightmares she had frequently as an adult. She could never remember them but always woke up sobbing. She knew on her dream their was a little girl in a dark room who was frightened but Tracey could not make herself remember!

"Its late I should try to sleep." Tracey thought to herself, tomorrow she would need to gather paperwork to give to her mother's attorney. As she lay in the dark she replayed the funeral in her mind and remembered something strange her mother had said before she passed at the Hospice house. "I'm sorry Tracey, I failed you and I'm sorry" What had her mother meant? Why was she sorry and how had she failed her? Tracey remembered how much she had loved both her parents and how they always expressed their love for her. Especially her father he had always been so protective of her. As Tracey drifted off to sleep she could hear the rain outside on her window, it was calming and the sound seemed to lull her to sleep. Suddenly she was in her childhood bedroom. Her room was dark except for the light coming from the windows of her doll house. Tracey was curious how lights were shining in the toy house her father had once built for her that she had spent hours as a child playing with. When she peeped inside she couldn't believe what she was seeingThe inside of the doll house looked exactly like the home Tracey grew up in with her parents! She rubbed her eyes in confusion and when she opened them she was standing inside her doll house and she was as small as the dolls she had once played with. In her dream it was Saturday and her mother had run off to do shopping and errands leaving Tracey home with her father. Tracey could hear her father calling to her to come downstairs but instead she felt afraid as she ran to her parents room and hurriedly climbed inside of the cedar chest at the foot of her parents bed. That smell! It filled her head and she began crying. Katie jumped suddenly waking herself up. She felt her cheeks, they were wet from her tears. She jumped out of bed and ran to the attic stairs. Breathing hard she climbed into the attic and kneeled down in front of the cedar chest. Opening the lid slowly as if she thought something was going to jump out at her she could immediately smell the familiar smell of the cedar but this time something was different. She could remember being inside of the chest afraid as she heard her father's footsteps and voice coming nearer. Suddenly the lid was lifted and her father was smiling down at her. "Come little bit ( that was his nickname for her) come spend time with me." Her father spoke in such a soft tone but firm if he was upset. As her father lifted her out of the chest she remembered an odd thought she had had. "I wish mommy were here", why would she not have wanted special time with her father? Her father led her to her to her room where he promised to read her a story before her nap. After listening to her favorite story about Goldie locks and the bears she could feel herself drifting to sleep when it was interrupted by a hand touching her in places the policeman that came to her kindergarten had called "no no places" . When Tracey opened her eyes it was her fathers eyes looking down at her! This startled Tracey to awaken from her dream and this time she was frightened, more frightened than she had ever been. She slammed the cedar chest lid down and hurriedly climbed out of the attic crying and confused. Was this what her subconscious was blocking her from remembering? Was this why her mother apologized for not protecting her? If all of this is true her childhood had been something of a story from the Brother's Grim. Tracey decided that in order to know exactly what she had endured she would need to face it head on no matter how hurtful or how much it may change how she remembers her parents. She owed it to herself and her mother to know what she was forgiving her for. Regardless Tracey's life had forever been changed.