Tangie and Lucy's Extravaganza!

“Alarm, Alarm,” said Colonel Frisbee as the alarm sounded.

All around him, people were running like crazy. Tripping over one another. Some retched in terror as they contemplated the evil that awaited them all. How could they be so dumb? How could they be so naïve? There was nothing they could do but hope beyond hope.

All they could do was pray that Operation Dagestani would be successful. They had waited their entire lives for this moment. Many had seen combat. Others had traveled the world as professional athletes. Still others had taken the academic route; becoming scientists, mathematicians, and English majors.

“If this doesn’t work, if this doesn’t happen,” said Colonel Frisbee, “I don’t want to be alive to alive to see what happens next.”

There were two Stryker vehicles and two armored military Humvees with machine gun mounts posted in the hangar as the soldiers prepared to engage. In the background, an EH-101 could be heard whirring up its blades.

“Target’s moving!” said Sergeant Skone, the navigation specialist.

“It’s okay!” said Colonel Frisbee. “We’ll make it. We have to make it! God dog it!”

The soldiers all jumped in their vehicles while Colonel Frisbee jumped into the EH-101, along with his navigator.

“Sultan-Swings-Five-Hot!” said Colonel Frisbee in his radio. “Ten-Forty-Two Special. Do you read me?”

“Ripping through the streets. Out,” said a voice on the other end.

“Let’s go! Let’s go!” said Colonel Frisbee to the pilot.

The pilot of the EH-101 then made a hand gesture to others on the ground and, knowing his ultimate destination, began to lift off aggressively.

Five miles away, little Tangie had a problem. Her stuffed animal was sick. She had tried feeding it invisible tea. Then she gave it invisible heart surgery. After that, she changed its invisible diaper and gave it a “burp.” Nothing seemed to make a difference.

“Fine,” said Tangie. “Be that way.”

Up in the helicopter, Colonel Frisbee was running through all the possible scenarios. What if it goes off? What if nobody survives? What if this creates a chain reaction that destroys the entire earth?

A voice came on Frisbee’s radio.

“Colonel Frisbee,” said the voice. “This is the president.”

“Yes, Mister president. Read you loud and clear.”

“Colonel Frisbee, if you don’t get that nuke launcher back, the entire world goes boom!”

“I know, mister president. Mister president?”

“Speak freely, Mister Frisbee.”

“Mister president, why did you put the nuke launcher in a child’s stuffed animal? Couldn’t you have put it in, I don’t know, a toothbrush?”

“I put the nuke launcher in a child’s stuffed animal because it was the only place where the Chinese wouldn’t look for it.”

“How did this girl get the stuffed animal again?”

“Well, I have children. My daughter was playing with a girl from school. Then it was swapsies forever and boom, no more America.”

“America isn’t dead yet, mister president.”

“Good, good. You’re a tough, hardened veteran. You remind me of a younger me.”

“Thank you, mister president. Nothing could possibly fill my heart with more pride.”

“Presy-denti out.”

Suddenly, all the military vehicles arrived at Tangie’s house at almost the same time. The helicopter hovered over the street while the soldiers onboard rappelled down.

“Alright, everyone,” said Colonel Frisbee. “Costumes on!”

“Right!”

Suddenly, all the soldiers dressed up like cartoon characters. Some were dinosaurs. Some were bunnies. Some gorillas. Some kittens. One was a giraffe.

Their automatic weapons were even disguised as large water guns.

At that moment, Tangie’s father was looking over his daughter from the living room window as his wife washed the dishes.

“Honey, do you think my butt looks fat?” said Tangie’s mom, getting out all the grease.

“It’s not as fat as mine,” said Tangie’s dad.

“That’s a lot,” said Tangie’s mom. “Love of my life.”

“Honey?”

“Yes, Honey?”

“Is there some kind of block party in the neighborhood today? Some kind of children’s circus?”

Outside the house, the soldiers had approached their target.

“Hey, you!” said Colonel Frisbee.

Tangie looked over to Colonel Frisbe in surprise, holding tightly to her stuffed animal.

“Me?”

“Yes, you!”

“What? What is it? Do you want to play with Lucy?”

The soldiers went on high alert, scrambling as if it were the last days. Colonel Frisbee took stayed calm and focused, with a sense of urgency that would have made his old sifu proud.

“No, no, we don’t want to play with Lucy.”

“Here,” said Tangie, holding out the stuffed doll.

“Tangie, Tangie, do you like chocolate?”

“What?”

“I said, do you like chocolate?”

“Yes. And vanilla?”

“How would you like an entire bucket of chocolate? No, an entire bathtub full of chocolate? No, an entire swimming pool full of chocolate? With vanilla icing on top and cheesecake at the bottom?”

“What do you mean? Like McDonald’s?

“No, I don’t mean like McDonald’s! Don’t you want anything? Why don’t you live a little? You’re not getting any younger!”

“You’re trying to trick me to get my Lucy!”

Suddenly, Tangie gripped Lucy with all her might, a tear falling from her eye.

“No, no, no! For the sake of all that’s good in heaven, no!”

“What? She’s my baby!”

“So, she’s your baby?”

“Yes.”

“Well, did you go into labor, to get that Lucy?”

“What’s labor? It’s not something nasty, is it?”

Colonel Frisbee stopped himself there. He didn’t want to gross out the kid and trigger the apocalypse.

“Look, kid, do you like flavored sugar?”

“What’s that?”

“Flavored sugar crystals. They were actually quite popular in the nineties.”

“No. I’m not old enough for that. I was born during the pandemic.”

“For God’s sake, little girl, do not say Pandemic!”

Suddenly, Tangie’s dad walked out of the house, seeing a bunch of stuffed animals running around next to armored Humvees and Stryker vehicles, each carrying a gigantic water gun.

His wife soon walked up next to him.

“Honey?”

“Yes, honey.”

“What was in that coffee you made for me this morning.”

“If I had put something in your coffee, you wouldn’t be looking at G.I Barney right now.”

“Little girl,” said Colonel Frisbee. “If you give me that stuffed doll, I’ll give you a Lucy taller than the Sears Tower?”

“Don’t you mean the Willis Tower?”

“Don’t correct Fun Bunny!”

Just then, Tangie’s father walked up to Tangie, took the stuffed animal from her, and gave the stuffed animal to Colonel Frisbee.

“Why didn’t you just call me,” said Tangie’s father.

“Sorry, our phone cards expired,” said Colonel Frisbee.

Suddenly, all the soldiers began to scatter. Some ran like hell. Others panicked, falling over.