Daniel's Dilemma

The physical envelope that Daniel held in his hands, the envelope inviting him over to Justin’s house on Saturday, felt alien to him. A party was foreign to Daniel; he had been unpopular all throughout high school and only recently reinvented himself. But his unfamiliarity with parties was not why the envelope was strange; it was who it was addressed to

Although the envelope had Daniel’s name hastily scribbled on to it, who it was really addressed to was The Other Guy. The Guy who would joke around at the back of the class, embarrass himself for the sake of his friends, The Guy who would start every morning by going around to every class and cracking a joke. The Guy who Daniel had made up, the mask that he put on top of his own face. But The Guy wasn’t Daniel. He was a farce; a compelling fake sure, but a fake nonetheless. Daniel himself wasn’t like that; Daniel didn’t have the energy to joke around in the back of the class, the guts to embarrass himself, the confidence to go around to every class. Daniel didn’t know what he was, but he knew he wasn’t The Guy.

The envelope began to feel denser in his hand, like shackles chaining him down. Thoughts raced through Daniel’s mind, but one common theme tied them all together: Fear. Daniel couldn’t turn down the invite, every time he would think of going up to Justin and saying “Nah I can’t make it this weekend” he felt like he was setting himself on fire. After all, this is what Daniel had wanted. His high school self was so envious, so thirsty for attention and the idea of popularity that he would do anything, but now that an opportunity was in Daniel’s face he had to rectify himself with his wants. Daniel could never go to a party, only The Guy. And by doing this, all Daniel had succeeded in doing was making two people, equally lost in life. The Guy, a charismatic joker with nothing else in his life except for the hollow relationships that he formed, and Daniel, a pathetic man who lived out his fantasies by lying to others. Daniel was no longer a person. He was two monsters.

The weekend came, and nothing came of Daniel’s dilemma, he hated himself and idolized himself all at once. Were the emotions he was feeling authentic, or just more fakes? Which Daniel is Daniel? His mind was too preoccupied with existential thoughts to face reality, to face the party. When the day came, The Guy took control. Despite Daniel being terrified, petrified that they would find what he really was, that they would see underneath his mask, The Guy was going regardless of the circumstance. The car ride, the greetings, the introductions to the guests; all of it was a blur to Daniel. He was in autopilot, The Guy mode, and Daniel only existed at this moment as a tiny voice in the back of their mind. Every second was exhausting; faking interest in the story, trying to entertain them, constantly worrying about appearances. Daniel wasn’t built for this, it strained him,  and he knew that he would not be able to keep it up for the whole night.

“I’m going to go sit down for a second, I’ll be back guys”

The Guy finally rested, his head leaning back on Justin’s crowded couch, and tried to recuperate himself. Just a little more. I can head out after this, I just can’t look like… I can’t look like… I…. The Guy’s consciousness began to slip, and the sheer exhaustion from his acting caught up to him. Daniel passed out right on the couch, and his two minds slipped together in his dreams. 

Deep in space, Daniel stretched his hand out

In front of his hand, there were two colossal structures

A star and a moon, circling him

The star burned too brightly, slowly killing itself until eventually it would be left with nothing

The moon lack weight, its gravity was hardly enough to keep it together and one day it would all fall apart

The two celestial objects began by calmly orbiting Daniel’s motionless body

But as time continued, they got more and more restless

Eventually, their attraction to Daniel began to draw them into conflict

Slamming into one another, destroying each other even faster

Daniel didn’t know why but the sight of them berating each other bothered him

As it went on longer and longer, Daniel grew more and more agitated

“Stop!” He yelled “Can’t you go back to how you were? Orbiting peacefully?”

But the celestials did not respond. They were two behemoths, blind to themselves and blind to each other, fueled by anger and self-contempt

Daniel woke with a start. Panic began to set in. Do they think I was bored? Is it not good enough for them? But as he looked around, he saw people continuing to go about their business. No one had been bothered by him or his nap; they continued to talk amongst themselves. Justin came up to Daniel and sat down next to him. 

“Damn I saw you crashed out on my couch. That’s chill, seems like you had a wild day. Missed having you at the party though, it’s almost over” 

Daniel looked at him strangely. Something about him felt different, he didn’t feel the pressure to stay here that he had at the beginning. “Yeah I think I’m gonna… head out…” 

“That’s fine man, don’t push yourself too far. We enjoy to have you here but not if it’s gonna stress you”

On his drive back Daniel thought about his dream and Justin’s words. He looked in the car mirror and for once, he was satisfied with what he saw. Maybe not the best socially, maybe he got exhausted on occasion. But he was both people; the Daniel who liked to stay home alone and the Daniel who was constantly socializing. Both of them were Daniel. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he was good enough for his friends. They didn’t need constant energy or constant entertainment, any Daniel would be good enough for them.

Daniel grabbed the envelope from his backseat. It didn’t feel heavy like it had before, but not too light either. It felt great in his hand, a balance between the two.