Internal isolation

With a sigh, Caitlyn forced herself to stand up from the couch and drag her weary body through to the bedroom to get dressed. Since Australia went into lockdown she had given up on doing her hair and makeup entirely, but she did force herself to change out of her pyjamas daily. Yes it was 1pm, and she may only be changing into comfortable cotton shorts and an oversized t-shirt, a vast change from her usual stylish attire, but it still counted as getting dressed, right?

Once she had discarded her mismatched nightwear in favour of her equally comfy daytime attire, she perched on the rail at the end of the bed frame and peered at her reflection in the mirrored wardrobe in front of her. Recently she found herself doing this often, as though the mere act of walking into a room and getting dressed was so much effort that it warranted a rest before lumbering back to the living room.

She flopped backwards onto her duvet and stared up at the ceiling. The restaurant where she usually worked had closed about a month ago, leaving her unemployed. Worse still, as she was on a temporary visa she wasn’t entitled to any government benefits, so she just had to hope that her savings could continue to keep a roof over her head and food on her plate until she was able to return to work. Then there was the issue of her visa which stated that it was only valid as long as she was working. She hoped that the government would make an exception since the world had found itself in such unprecedented circumstances and it was near impossible to fly back to her home in England anyway, but she was yet to hear anything.

Salty tears begin to fill her eyes as they had many times over the last couple of days, and she knew that it wasn’t because of her financial situation. Nor was it because of the uncertainty regarding her visa. It wasn’t even the large number of Australians who were very vocal on social media about how they wanted all the foreigners to leave their country. One might assume that it was because her family and friends were on the other side of the world and she had no idea when she would be able to see them again, but they would also be wrong. The most upsetting thing about her situation, and the reason why she was heading down a dark spiral of depression was that she felt like people weren’t there for her.

Caitlyn cast her mind back to a couple of days before her workplace had closed due to government restrictions. It had been growing ever quieter over the last few weeks, and everyone’s hours were being cut. She had been struggling to get through each day without feeling physically sick with the stress of not knowing whether she was about to be laid off or not. As she had paced around her little one-bedroom apartment one evening, she had decided to message her mum. They didn’t speak as often as Caitlyn would like, but they remained on good terms.

‘How are you? I’m really worried about my job – everyone is on minimal hours already and I think that they will make cuts soon.’

She hadn’t expected her mum to send her any money or anything – she had simply wanted someone to talk it through with and help her to feel better. But she never got a reply. When she had messaged again a few days after losing her job, her mum had eventually replied but only to speak about herself without acknowledging Caitlyn’s troubles. Caitlyn had sadly come to the realisation that she couldn’t rely on her mum to listen to her or cheer her up.

As she lay on the bed now she scrolled through her Whatsapp conversations and opened her chat with Ellie. Ellie had been her best friend since high school and she could always count on her. Until now it seemed. Ellie had never replied to Caitlyn’s last message, explaining that she had been let go from her work but with a promise that she would be re-hired once they were able to open again. They had spoken once since then, in a group video chat with three other girls from school, but that had left Caitlyn feeling even more alone. ‘Did you say you had to be retired or something, Caitlyn?’ Ellie had asked, an amused tone in her voice and a slight smirk on her face, as if any of this was even remotely funny. ‘No... I said that I’ve been let go and will be re-hired in the future’ she muttered. What she was thinking was: Ellie didn’t even bother to read the message properly. When she had explained her unfortunate financial situation, rather than being met with sympathy, it seemed to simply make the other girls uncomfortable, and nobody knew what to say until someone changed the subject. As the girls were all still in the UK, those who couldn’t work from home were enjoying a wealth of financial assistance as they waited to be able to return to work.

Caitlyn felt like she had no one to turn to. When the world started to fall apart, and lockdowns were imposed, she had made an effort to message friends and relatives, just to check in and see if they were ok and find out how they were impacted. She wanted to be there for them, but it felt like the people she had thought she could rely on didn’t offer her the same kindness. I wish I had a friend like me to talk to, she thought. That gave her an idea. After mulling it over for a few seconds she headed back to the living room, grabbed her laptop, and settled down on the couch. She opened the webcam app and grimaced when she saw her face on the computer screen. Her long hair was a mess, and her face looked pale and ghastly, with a hideous spot appearing on her forehead. Well, I guess it’s just for me, she reasoned. Caitlyn didn’t know if it would help her, but she thought it wouldn’t hurt to talk about how she was feeling, even if no one was listening. She hit record and started to talk to the webcam.

‘Well I’m in week four of unemployment, and what can I say? I guess I’m not coping too well. I have savings to live off for now and luckily living in a small town means the shops aren’t too crowded when I venture out to buy groceries. I'm not too worried about contracting the virus since I mostly stay home and I follow all the rules. I can feel my mental health deteriorating though. I wonder if others are feeling the same. I imagine they are, and everyone's situation will be different. I think I could cope if I felt like people were here for me. Some people are to an extent, but not the people who I'd expect to always be there to lend an ear. I’m talking about family and long term friends. I feel so alone. I tried to stay positive for the first couple of weeks, but it’s difficult when you realise that the people you call your best friends aren’t really your friends at all.

You’d think a mother would be concerned about her daughter living alone on the other side of the world, but I guess not. Mine can hardly give me the time of day. My so-called best friend can’t be bothered to read my messages properly, never mind reply. Other close friends sat in uncomfortable silence when I told them about my situation. It’s a sad time when people can’t find a minute to send a quick reply to a friend, especially those who aren’t even working right now.

I hope that my mental health will survive this, but I can feel it slipping away. I can’t get professional help because I can’t afford it right now. So instead I cry several times a day and spend the rest of my time trying to do things that will distract me from my inner pain. I try to keep my spirits up, but I think it’s normal to need to lean on others from time to time. It’s just that I have nobody to lean on.’

Caitlyn stopped talking and sniffed, looking down and letting the tears that she had been holding back slip beneath her eyes and drizzle down her cheeks. She looked back at the screen and hit stop on the computer. She sat in silence for a while before deciding that she needed to do something to take her mind off things and leaving for a walk.

After wandering the beach for an hour, Caitlyn felt a little better and she spent the rest of the day watching TV and playing games on her phone. Before she went to bed, after a few glasses of wine, she watched the recording back. She had intended to keep it for herself, but now slightly tipsy she felt angry that nobody was listening to her. She was also growing curious about how many people were going through something similar. She opened up Youtube and created an account. She used an alias rather than her real name – yes, her face was in the video, but she doubted anyone would ever watch it, and certainly not anyone she knew. She paused for a minute – did she really want to do this? She wasn’t sure why she did what she did next. Was she trying to reach out and help other people who were suffering, or was it a cry for help? For whatever reason, she uploaded and published the video, then put it out of her mind and went to bed.

Caitlyn woke up at 8:30am to the sound of her phone dinging with a new Whatsapp notification. She opened her eyes and took a few seconds to fully wake up, before looking to her phone. She picked it up, unplugged the charger, and stared at it. She was shocked to see a screen full of Whatsapp notifications and opened the app to read them. The first one that she read was from Ellie.

‘What the hell Caitlyn?! I don’t reply to a couple of messages, and maybe slightly misread one thing so you post a video slamming me online???’

Oh no, thought Caitlyn. How did she see that video? The next message was from another friend from home, Adam.

‘Caitlyn, is this you??’

Attached was a link to an online article. She opened it up and the headline read: ‘Young woman reveals the effects of Coronavirus on her mental health in powerful video’. Caitlyn was baffled as she read on. The article had a link to the video, and basically described its content with some links to where professional support could be found. Some writer trying to make a quick buck off my misery, she thought. But she was more concerned about who else had watched the video that she had never intended for her family and friends to see. 

The final message was from Caitlyn’s friend Alice. They had been friends since school, and she was in the recent group video chat with Caitlyn and Ellie.

‘Caitlyn if you’re upset that no one said anything when you mentioned that you lost your job, it was because it was a group video chat. No one knows when it’s their turn to talk on those things. Stop taking everything so personally, and get over it rather than having a dig in a Youtube video!’

Caitlyn was horrified. She could see why her friends were upset, but it was never about trash talking them online. She wished that they could look past that and see that she was seriously struggling. She went to the living room, opened her laptop, and logged into Youtube to figure out how bad this was, although she had a pretty good idea from the news article and the messages from friends on the other side of the world. She gasped as she saw that her video now had over 1 million views, and had been shared over 100,000 times. How had this happened overnight? She refreshed the page and saw that the numbers were increasing rapidly. Her first instinct was to take the video down, but a quick check on Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube’s homepage confirmed what she already assumed: it had been posted so many times that it wouldn’t matter now – it was out there.

As Caitlyn wondered what to do next, another message came through. It was from her mum. She glanced at the clock and noted that it was almost 9am, therefore it was approaching midnight in the UK. That meant that her mum was drunk, having consumed two bottles of wine – as she had done every night without fail for years. Caitlyn braced herself and opened the message.

‘We saw your video and we're not very impressed. Thanks a bunch, Caitlyn’.

Oh dear. She may not speak to her mum often but they had always been on good terms. Apparently not anymore. She couldn’t face replying to the messages now so she put on the kettle and pondered her next moves. Her phone was going off every few seconds with notifications from Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, so she switched it off and enjoyed the silence as she sipped her tea.

Over the next few hours, Caitlyn did everything that she could think of to take her mind off the video. She took her time making Eggs Benedict for breakfast, although she could only muster the appetite to eat a few bites. She went for a long walk to try to clear her head. It didn’t seem to be working, but she walked for longer than normal because she felt that if she went home then she would have to face up to her problems. When she got home she baked cookies and then tried to watch a documentary about people in America who keep tigers. It wasn't working to distract her, so she went for another walk. Through all of this, she simply wasn't able to enjoy the activities that had often brought her joy in the past.

Finally, Caitlyn returned home and plonked herself down on the couch. She couldn’t hide from her problems any longer, so she turned her phone back on. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was now 4pm, meaning that her phone had been switched off for seven hours. She braced herself for what was to come. First, there was a message from her sister back in England.

'Caitlyn, I've been trying to call you. Let me know if you're free to talk, I had no idea you were feeling this way. Remember I'm always here for you xxx'.

Like so many other things recently, this brought tears to Caitlyn's eyes, but not sad tears. She was touched that her sister was reaching out to her. Her next message was from Lindsay, a friend from school who was in THAT group video chat:

‘Caitlyn I’m so sorry that you’re struggling, I had no idea. Call me. You’re not alone, I’m here for you xxx’.

Her final message was from Rachel, a work friend who she liked a lot but wasn’t particularly close to given that they had only known each other for a few months.

‘Sending big hugs to you Caitlyn. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you through this. You’re welcome to come round for a cup of tea or a glass of wine any time xxx’.

Caitlyn felt slightly emotional, but a small smile shone through her tears like rays of sunshine through a dark cloud, as she realised that some people were there for her after all. She logged into Youtube to find that her video now had over 3 million views and 240,000 shares. She scrolled through some of the comments, expecting them to be nasty. The top comment said:

‘This is pretty similar to how I’m feeling, thank you for showing me that I’m not alone xx’.

There were a few nasty ones that called her an attention-seeker, or a coward for calling out her family and friends online instead of speaking to them, but there were many more that echoed the sentiments of that top comment. I helped people, thought Caitlyn. This thought lifted her spirits more than anything else had in recent weeks.

Caitlyn contemplated these latest developments. She had realised that she wasn't the only person who was feeling like this, and in the process, she had helped thousands of other people all around the world by showing them that they weren’t alone. She had, however, burned a couple of bridges that would be difficult to repair. However, she felt ready to try, to speak to the people who had let her down and see if they could salvage their relationships. Most importantly, thanks to the messages from her sister and her friends, she knew that help was finally there for her. In fact, she realised, maybe it had been there all along, if only she had found the courage to ask for it.