My reason for Time

My sun, I want to apologise for leaving you so soon. I'm not sure what day it is but hope that this letter finds you soon and we'll. I hurt you. I left with no notice and left you alone in that little apartment of ours. If your getting this letter I want you to know I love you and our unborn child. I left so hastily because if I had to see the tears in your eyes my resolve would crumble. I joined this war because I'm a selfish man, I can't bring myself to care about anyone but you and our little one. I have to fight because I need to know that at least I tried to make you happy, tried to keep you safe.

My moon, it's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. I find I don't have much time between running messages and working in the medical tents to think let alone write. When I come home I have something for you. One of the men I've come to know makes these small pendants out of little pieces of scrap metal. I asked him to make you a hyacinth bloom. I know you love them. As soon as I'm home I'll buy you every hyacinth I can get my hands on.

My universe, I don't know how long it been since I wrote. The days melt together like the mud under my feet. I don't sleep often, too many gun shots and loud bangs. But it's ok I have more time to think about you and our little moon. I wish I was there with you. I wish I could make breakfast in bed for you and rub your feet after a long day. The sleeplessness is starting to get to me. Everytime I close my eyes I see you and sometimes I could swear I hear your voice right next to me. I hope these letters reach you. I need them to.

My sanity, how is the baby? Do you know if it's a girl or boy? I'm hoping for a girl with your eyes and freckles. I can't seem to keep track of the days that pass by. How far along are you now? Can you feel them kick yet? Do you have any names your thinking about? I find myself thinking of different names during the precious moments I gat to relax. I'm partial to Blue. Have you thought of any names?

My gravity, I can't wait to come home. To no longer feel mud under my feet, or blood on my hands. It seems as soon as I have one patient fixed up another comes to my attention. I can't tell whether I've been in this tent for minutes or hours. The only thing matters are the wounds. I don't even notice the men anymore. All I see is the blood and carnage. How are you? Are you eating well? Have you visited your family? The head medic leant me a book on pregnancy. His wife is also pregnant. I haven't gotten far but I have learned that exercise and good food is instrumental to a healthy mother and baby. So make sure you go for plenty of walks. Maybe go feed the ducks at the park you love. And eat plenty of vegetables and fruit. Vitamins are important for good health. I've taken to referring to our little one as Blue. I hope you don't mind.

My inertia, I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel as if my life before this war is slipping away faster and faster the longer I'm here. Has the baby come yet? I can't remember how long it's been. For all I remember I've been here for years. I've finished the book on pregnancy I was given. I read of the complications and I can't help but hope you don't go into labor before I'm home. Just to think of you and our little moon hurt or gone makes my chest feel like it's full of shrapnel. The highlights of my days are when I have time to sit and write to you. You both seem to be the only thing that makes me move forward. Without you I think I'd just give up. No more war. No more blood. No more mud. No more pain.

My momentum, I've taken to watching over this young boy, Alex. He reminds me of you. All smiles and good will towards everyone. We were talking and he mentioned he even felt bad for the Germans that are also forced to stay away from their families. I work hard to make sure he doesn't see the worst of this hell. I don't want to see his smile fade as mine has. I want him to be able to sleep without waking up screaming. I can't let him become like me. I can't let him become as broken as I am.

My stability, my hands shake and are smearing blood on this letter as I write. Alex is dead. I couldn't save him. I can treat missing limbs, broken bones, nerve agent damage, and gunshots, but I can't fix a simple illness. I couldn't save him. Just like I couldn't save all the others who've died in my care. I think dying quickly by a gunshot or grenade is a better end that pneumonia. I protected him from everything I could but I still failed. I've been sitting here staring at the bed where he died for what could be seconds or years. I had to watch him drown slowly. I tried everything from what little antibiotics we have to a pleural drain. None of it worked. I don't know anymore. Is it even worth keeping track of time? The more time passes the more people die. The more people I fail. I hope with all I am that I haven't failed you both. I can't fail you. If I do then I have no reason to care what happens to this world. I need to hear from you. I need to know you and Blue are safe and healthy.

My reason for existence, if your getting this letter than I have broken my promise. My promise to come home alive to you. I can't help but think to myself as I write this that at least if I'm dead I won't keep seeing the eyes of every person who died under my care when I sleep. I wrote this sometime ago as I realized I needed to prepare myself for the worst. Please know I love you and Blue. I love you so much. I've kept this letter in the pocket over my heart for a long time. I have the picture of that morning on the chair by the window. Do you remember that day? I was happy. I had you next to me and we had just found out you were pregnant. Do you still have that fluffy blue blanket you always wrap yourself in? I also put the little hyacinth sculpture in the small box with this. I wish more than anything that I could see our darling Blue grow up. And I wish I could have lived my life beside you. I wish I could have been with you when we bought you that little house in Alaska that you wanted. The money for my service will pay for the travel to the house and the house. I love you. And I'm sorry. Remember you and Blue are my reason for time. I want you to be happy. And if that means forgetting me than I'll gladly become the ghost from your past that watched over you.

The wind blows the young girls hair in her face as she finishes the last of the letters from her father. She looks over as the screen door opens as her mother steps out. The beautiful woman who she got her eyes and freckles from smiles as she asks,"Are you ready to come in Blue?" The girl straightens the stack of letters and asks,"When we get in will you tell me more about dad?" As the woman smiles and nods the girl rushes under her arms into the house.