You are worse

Trigger warning: sexual assault, date rape

'Kate is going crazy. You really need to help me' Jason pleads, whispering with his dark eyes flitting from side-to-side, taking in the cheerless blue room. A room he has been to many times before. It is dingy, stuck in the corner of a rusty strip mall and flanked by a tattoo parlour and mini-casino. It has always looked much more appealing than this - lust gave his lenses a rose-gold tinge. Today was not about lust, but about love. An old love.

'You know that I don't take on clients that I have a...personal relationship with' Willow said, her jaw stiffening giving her mascara-laden eyes a harshness Jason had never seen before.

Their relationship began in Jason's fourth year of marriage, to Kate. He had found Willow's details from a friend of a friend. Willow is the best at what she does, and she does almost anything that you wouldn't want anyone to know about. What started as a transactional relationship - he would pay her and she would create deep fake images of influential people in Jason's industry - quickly morphed into a messy conglomerate of lips, legs, and lies.

Of course, Jason would have you believe that this change was because he was being neglected at home. Willow would say it's because she is breath-taking. Both would be right. But infidelity is not why Kate had become unplayable.

Kate and Jason were tied together from the moment they met in their first year out of college. Jason, a newly-graduated law student with a misplaced sense of confidence, wooed Kate entirely by accident. At a book-club-turned-party, after he had drunk a few too many gins, he began reciting classics poetry in an attempt to impress the chairperson of the book club. In his messy state, he fumbled through Sonnet 18 and landed face-first with 'So long lives this, and this gives life to me'. The chair's oft-composed eyes spun in their sockets, revealing a whiteness that shook Jason, eventually to the floor. He awoke in the bathroom, the strong smell of vomit caking his nose, with Kate holding him up and grinning quietly at him. His drool-filled chin sank as he smiled back to a face that would hold him steadfastly for the next stage of his life.

The whirlwind of events that led to their first connection would be a theme that ties each of their moments together. They were one another's driving force - unfortunately, they were driving at 120 in an 80 zone down a windy road with no light in sight. Their desire for one another outweighed their love and their passion outweighed their desire.

They moved in together, making a quaint apartment downtown their home after 10 weeks of dating. Their first fight occurred 90 minutes after the first piece of furniture was moved into their new place - Jason knew that the microwave had to be next to the fridge on the shelf and Kate knew that it needed to be on the granite island, just above the oven.

'You always think you're fucking right, Kate' Jason shouted, with his voice reverberating around their small kitchen.

'Don't you fucking swear at me' she retorted. 'You can't be telling me where to put my own furniture, Jason'.

'I thought you said you wouldn't bring this up, for goodness' sake Kate', Jason muttered, his entire face shutting down. His lips curled in spite as he emphasised, 'I really trusted you not to bring this up'.

Kate had been one of the lucky ones. Graduating from a small college in this economy means virtually nothing, but she used her charisma in job interviews to land herself a decently-paying position at an accountancy firm in town. Jason was still job-hunting, moonlighting as a waiter at the popular bar a few minutes from their place. When deciding on their next steps, Kate was really excited for them to find a place together and settle down. Jason was reluctant since he wouldn't be contributing financially to the situation, but Kate was adamant.

'I am sorry, Jason. I really am.'

'It's okay. I am sorry for lashing out', Jason said. He had small beads falling from the corners of his eyes.

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'Willow, I am serious. I think she might kill me', Jason said, firmer this time.

'What did you do now?'. Willow was getting annoyed.

'I threatened to tell her secret to her parents.'

'What the fuck, Jason. You deserve to be killed then', Willow replied. Her mouth opened wide in disbelief, with her tongue lifting, revealing the silver ring that she placed there herself.

'I know, Willow. I know. But I got a bank notification showing that she has bought a CZ95 from Guns 'n Things. She is serious this time, I know she is'.

'Okay, so what do you need? And you better be damned sure you never ask me to help you again'.

'I need a passport and a work permit for Mozambique. I am going to Xai-Xai and I am staying there.' Jason could feel his voice wavering, even as he mustered all the confidence he could - the same confidence that made him dig deep into his brain to recite old poetry before falling for a woman that had already seen him at his worst.

'What on earth are you going to do there? Have you ever left this town for longer than 1 month?'

'No, I haven't', Jason said with his voice hushed and his eyes turned to the floor. 'But I really don't know what else to do'.

Willow knew she would regret this. But, despite it all, she had developed a deep affection for Jason - deeper than anything else she had ever felt towards a man. That raggedy-haired, black-eyed kid had nestled into her heart, regardless of her best efforts to repel him. 'I can do that for you. But what will you do for me?', she smirked. He knew that look. It is a look Kate used to give him. The look that takes his breath away and shunts blood around his body.

As her first kiss landed, he was transported away. That is normal, Willow does take him to a new, brighter world - but this time he was taken to Kate's childhood home, tracing the events of that night. He had never tried to imagine these moments, in fear that what he would find would devastate him, and turn the woman he had previously loved into an object of contempt...and even fear.

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Kate first told Jason this story after 2 years of marriage. They had been on a lovely 3-week holiday around West Africa, enjoying each other and the places they visited. On the last evening, after making love and lioning down their dinner, they settled into the air-conditioned hotel room to talk. She was twisting her hair in her fingers, pacing the room, and staring at the windows, like she was planning an escape route.

'We need to talk, Jason', she mumbled as she sat down on the bed, beckoning him to join her.

'Hey, babe. What is going on? You can trust me' he replied.

'I am not sure if I can trust anybody with this' Kate said, her cheeks reddening. 'But, keeping this to myself is slowly destroying me. I swear, to everything that is beautiful in this world, if you ever tell a soul, or even think of telling a soul, I will do the worst thing I am capable of doing to you.'

'You are scaring me, babe.'

'I am scaring myself, again. Jason, I love you. When I was 16, I was invited to my first house party. It was mostly high-schoolers, but my childhood friend, then my stunning crush, and his friends were there too. He was 20 at the time. Flip, I was so proud to have been invited, it was the first time that I felt like I was part of something bigger than just myself.' Her volume lowered and her tone became dark and reserved. She shifted on her seat, creating distance between them.

'Some of the college students started buying drinks for me and after about an hour, I was far gone. Further than ever before. I knew something was wrong when I saw these guys hand out small grey pills to one another. My crush came towards me and pecked me on the cheek. Well, I was prepared to do anything to keep close to him. He handed me 3 or 4 of those pills and picked out a young girl, about my age, and whispered alluringly into my ear, 'Slip these into her drink''.

'Did you listen to him?' David responded. His face was pointed and accusing.

'I told him no, the first time. Then he pulled me close and french kissed me, before whispering again. I still didn't listen to him, but my body was out of my control by then. I lumbered over to the girl, feeling like a newly-made zombie after her first kill, and slyly placed the pills in her drink.'

'Okay, babe. I mean, that is a huge surprise. But you were young and didn't know what you were doing. You aren't irredeemable because of that.'

'Only, that's not the end of the story. The night went on and young girls slowly started stumbling towards the bathroom, gasping for reprieve. Eventually, I needed the loo too. I walked down the dim corridor and saw my crush running into a side room holding a passed-out woman by her arms. I joined him. His friends were there, playing deafening music and laughing. I held that blameless 16-year-old down while he...'

Kate never finished the story. Her lips quivered and her face began to shake violently. She finished crying and ended the story with, 'And I never felt like I did anything wrong. Until I saw my crush in his orange overalls, stricken with regret.'

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'Jason, you are worse than she is', Willow said. Her hair was lying frizzily over her eyebrow. Sweated beaded around her lips. The electricity between us drew her purple-dyed strands towards me as the filling of her eyes changed from satisfaction to conviction. 'She doesn't know when she is right or wrong. You know, but don't change.'

Jason opened his mouth as if to protest, but it closed again. His disorganised eyebrows furrowed, and plump lips curled in. 'You are right.'

'It is time for you to leave, Jason. For you and Kate. And for me.'

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