Distant memories

She lay there motionless.

Her fingers searched for the silk sheets, the smell of lemons and lavender all around her, so refreshing and relaxing. Next to her, there was a stuffed small dinosaur in the tones of light green with big brown eyes and a funny face. It was laying always beside her, next to the other pillow, a gift from her deceased father. She had lost him from an incurable illness months ago despite the efforts of doctors to save him.

Rosalie picked up the small dinosaur in her hands – her father had bought it for her when she was five years old - eyes glistening from sudden wetness. She looked at it endlessly, the memories of the past haunting her till today. It wasn’t long ago that their house was open for anyone out there. Family members, friends and even poor people – that no one wanting near them- were outside of the doors seeking some bread or just a small talk.

For over ten years Barrington’s family was one of the most popular names around the small city, somewhere in the suburbs of France. They weren’t wealthy but people loved them for their generosity and kindness which couldn’t find anywhere else. They had decided to sell their old house alongside cars and other things, excited to start a new life somewhere else.

Dad was a lawyer – a famous one who spend hours back in his office trying to bring into justice murderers and child molesters – whereas her mother was a mathematician. Every child loved her from the first moment and soon parents sending to their houses cakes or wines with a small cart which thanked her for giving their children the ability to become better and pass the exams without a problem. A successful couple nonetheless.

They knew how hard life could be and that’s why they choose to live every day as if it was the last, making miracles from the nothing, feeling grateful for having a home and some bread in a world full of unemployed people and starvation being first world problem. Rosalie soon realized how blessed she was for having such a life, parents who would tuck her to sleep and sung her lullabies even as growing older and it was inconvenient. She was a girl lost in her dream world, hidden behind tons of books, searching for new words at the vocabulary, aspired to be a noble writer at some point. Her dreams consisted of princes, dragons but also hideous witches lurking in the dark forests, ready to kill kids or people in love.

Every night would stay awake for hours, her head watching outside of the big window next to the bed. The sky, dark as a raven, seemed beautiful... the stars dancing all around, creating constellations that millions of people could if they knew where to look. Her lips became a thin line thinking the last time he had seen her friend. Was it months? Years? A lifetime? She couldn’t tell anymore. That’s when she started creating stories... her stories were based on a different era, unknown lands, good men who knew how to love a woman, to caress the delicate skin and kiss those tender lips which aching for human contact. Most of all, men who knew how to respect a woman and do not let with her heart.

Rosalie cuddled the green dinosaur feeling oh so lonely. She kissed its face letting a tear escape from her eyes whilst thinking her parents. Mother used to be the one who initiated her to books from an infant stage. For years she would put her to sleep by reading Jane Austen’s books – her favorite and classic was the «Pride and Prejudice» - with sparkling eyes and blushed cheeks as soon as father appeared on the headboard watching his beautiful women sitting beside and laughing.

She could see the devotion and utter love in her mother’s eyes as the woman turned her head to him. It was odd …as the whole air inside the room was changing and all the pressure or negativity from the daily problems vanished as the three of them were coming together.

Father was a man of few words but next to his daughter, his heart could easily break into a million pieces, kissing her forehead sweetly with the eyes of a man who had anything he ever wanted. He took the dinosaur and gently gave it to her with a tender smile. Before they return to their room, daddy sang a small lullaby to his daughter, unable to stay away from her as he closed slowly the door, the only light source the stickers of animals on the ceiling that flooded the room with enough light just so for her to not feel afraid in the absolute darkness.

«Night, night, sleepy princess. » he would say before closing the door with Rosalie letting a small laugh. Soon her eyes were heavy from exhaustion and her heart filled with happiness and joy.

Now, a 25-year-old woman was in the same room but everything was different. That day her mood was low and all she wanted was to cry, the memories putting a burden upon her soul. She dreamed of the past where erst everything was alright before the aroma of roses turned to that of death. She didn’t like the word … death… a small word of five letters that had the power to change someone’s life from one moment to another. Rosalie closed her eyes remembering the pale hand of death as he marked Barrington’s house, the stench of illness, alcohol and painkillers. It was everywhere like an invisible deathly figure able to pass through closed doors and walls, intoxicating her family with tears, pain and pure agony.

The house has never been the same after father’s death. Wherever she looked, the emptiness was deafening…even the beautiful garden with those exotic flowers both parents loved to garden now was colorless and the few flowers inside the pots were lifeless, a remnant of another time. A small sigh escaped from her lips thinking of her mother. She died months after her husband from a broken heart. Rosalie –buried her next to him, at the only cemetery of the small city. A white dove had flown all over the sky before sit on mother’s tombstone.

Was it a sign or just a coincidence?

Rosalie had no idea but she felt calm to the core of her heart, knowing both of them would dance together under the moonlight for eternity to the sound of Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra.

Suddenly, sadness engulfed her existence watching the lonely bird outside of the window. The sky had a light blue color and a few scattered clouds. From the nearby houses, she heard children’s voices playing in the park after a long week of being at school. She imagined all these people out there, friends or couples, walking around the city with a coffee or ice cream in their hands, talking about the summer, books or a new movie whereas she was alone in this “mausoleum”.

Her only friend, Matthew, a tall boy back then with green eyes and blonde hair, had vanished from her life, two years before her father’s passing. All this time, she was pretending that it didn’t matter to her but in reality, she was feeling angry and betrayed. He was supposed to stay with her, hold her hand all those nights at the hospital, make her laugh with his jokes and bring her chocolate as when they were small kids.

Even more, Rosalie was missing his presence in her dull life. He was a person of knowledge upon many things who loved to talk for hours especially those summer mornings back in the lake house. Together they watched the sun rising, holding hands and still sleepy from a long night at which they tried to scare each other with scary tales.

Perhaps that’s why she was so hurt when he left her. Despite being a young woman she had run to daddy’s arms, hugging him tightly with tears streaming from her eyes.

« What’s happening, baby girl? » he had asked her with a strange expression on his face.

Rosalie wiped off the tears that tarnished her beautiful features, whispering « He left, dad. He told me he would always be here for me but instead choose to cease any future communication. »

« I am sure it’s a big mistake...» father tried to reassure her to no avail. Rosalie took a step back, the melancholy in her eyes similar to a dark sky. « He was like a brother... he knew everything about me. » she told more angry now. « My ...my chest is in pain. » she continued placing her hand to the place her heart was beating.

« Rosalie, my princess, you are heartbroken and it’s absolutely normal. You two were so close ...» he stopped suddenly unsure of the next words.

She knew that stare… she had seen from everyone around her when walked alongside Matthew. At first, she couldn’t pinpoint the change in people’s eyes but as she grew older finally understood. For society, a boy and girl couldn’t be friends for reasons she found absurd. What about the reality though? They were siblings almost… nothing romantic existed between them and the God of love didn’t care to mark them with his tiny arrow leaving behind a trail of gold dust and small giggles.

Father closed slightly his eyes, almost tired as he said « It’s for the better, Rosalie. Soon, you won’t even remember him, believe me. » he put on a big smile before turning her bad on her. Rosalie stood there for some moments, watching him reading the newspaper but soon excused herself and run to the bedroom.

Rosalie looked at her phone, the urge of calling him greater than ever. She wondered if he would think about her. Would he miss her or by now she was a distant memory? An unpleasant person from the very past?

After all, he never chased her, never tried to hold her in his life and that meant a lot. Closing her eyes, memories of the past drugged her to a sea of laughs and long walks around the lake. Matthew was the only one who could ease her pain when other students at the school made fun of her. « There are kids, Rosy. Don’t listen to their words. » he said every time offering her a flower from a nearby garden.

For over a decade they were inseparable until the day that changed everything.

It all happened in the backyard under the big oak tree. Matthew pushed the swing – a swing her father had built when she was born, feeling really proud of himself -and the girl laughed, gazing at the beautiful grey sky. It was a bit cold and puddles from the morning rain circling every inch of the ground.

« Rosy, I have to tell you something. » Matthew’s voice was different as he stepped away. Rosalie used her legs to stop the swing and soon she was sitting on the bench next to him. Matthew was picking some of the flowers hesitant to speak more. She waited with a terrible feeling building inside her body. « I need to go away… I...I am moving to England. » he almost spit out the words unwilling to even look at her beautiful eyes.

It was an end of an era...

Rosalie’s heart sank under the heavy chest... a pain so different than the ones she had experienced until that moment. Her fingers played with a lock of her hair nervously remembering all those nights he was telling her about Norse mythology. She had so many questions to ask him... so many things to say.

« I can understand. » she said. It was a lie of course.

She felt powerless in front of his decision but old enough for stopping herself from making a scene. Matthew would stay adamant on his decision as always so there was no point in trying.

Rosalie sat on the ledge of the window, the small dinosaur on her lap. Her family had helped Mathew so much, especially his father who took him under his protection when his parents died in a car accident. He was a little boy but a clever one as father used to say at the dinner table. Unbeknownst to him, her father helped him to finish school and find a job from the young age of sixteen. Matthew was always kind and thankful for the support he received but as he grew older, something changed. The two men were starting to drift apart and Matthew was kinda scared to visit her in the house.

He wanted to ask him so badly what had happened between them but he was away. The last thing she heard about him was a year ago when a common friend of theirs told her via social media that Matthew had been engaged. She had no idea. How could so? The bitterness spread on her body... they had no secrets back then... now though, now she had no idea about his engagement and he didn’t know about her parent’s death. From close friends, they had turned to strangers.

Without thinking it, she called him. The line rang two or three times before a sleepy voice asked who was calling. Rosalie didn’t speak.

There was some noise in the background « Rosalie? » her name barely came out of his mouth, scared of the consequences. So many years had passed and the guilt never left him even so far away.

Rosalie didn’t dare to speak. Instead, remember the last time she had seen a glimpse of his silhouette back in the train station. Her father warned her many times to never trust a man but she opposed to these words. Perhaps it was pure naivety but even if she knew that people changed and friendships were meant to end at some point or another, the young woman couldn’t accept it. For months, she wanted to tell him about her parents but now it felt meaningless. Like a snake, her mother’s words echoed in her mind « If someone can leave you behind so easily, then it’s for the better. When people truly care, they stay. » she told her with the wisdom of an older woman. She was right.

He never came back.

« I miss you, Rosy! » he confessed, closing the phone more in his palm. « If only I could explain to you... » Matthew’s throat felt dry thinking at the past.

Rosalie’s father had warned him to stay away from his precious daughter when he noticed the change of the young man’s face when he was looking back at her. It was the face of a man in love, of someone who appeared cold and harsh at the outside but deep down knew that this girl was meant for him. 

He tried to explain but she hung off the phone.

It was time to move forward, to a new life, away from this city. She wanted to make new friends, laugh, fall in love without the ghosts of the past still haunting her. She changed to a white dress and put on some lipstick before she stepped outside into the sunshine. The flowers blossomed under the warm sun and butterflies flew all around her as she smiled to herself.