Greener Grass Just Indicates More Fertilizer

Submitted into Contest #157 in response to: Write about a character who discovers the grass isn't actually greener on the other side.... view prompt

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Fiction Funny Contemporary

(Denny speaking): Why…oh why did I ever have to meet Jason Berringer? I curse the day when he entered my office to inquire about some comments I had notated on one of the company’s feasibility studies which had passed across my desk.

It being Casual Friday, he was wearing a shirt with the emblem of my favorite baseball team emblazoned on the front. Telling him how I believed him to be a quality individual before he could even say a word, I could see an expression of confusion cross his face until I produced from the confines of my desk drawer a baseball cap with the identical logo proudly displayed upon it. Forgetting about the original reason he had wished to speak with me—at least for the next fifteen minutes or so—we shared our opinions of the various players on the team, discussed last night’s game (which we had both watched, of course!), and reminisced about the euphoria winning the World Series had produced in each of us!

I cannot recall ever laying eyes on him prior to this day; and yet, by the time he had left my office—once we had remembered where we were and what we were supposed to be doing—the beginning of a friendship was forming. Having agreed to meet at one of the local sports bars once the work day had ended, I proudly set my cap upon my head and left my office behind with a bounce to my step not seen in many a day.


(Jason speaking): Have you ever seen a snake wearing a baseball cap? Well, I certainly have…and it even had an office! Its name was Denny Collins. At first, I did not recognize him as a reptile capable of slithering around on his belly; that clarity would come later on.

I had gone to his office that Friday in order to gather some additional information regarding some comments he had notated upon the Eastlands Feasibility Study and ended up conversing about The Sox for quite some time. We were talking very amiably, with both enjoying the experience. I instantly liked the man (at the time), and I could sense he was of the same opinion of me as we agreed to meet at Flanagan’s Pub after work to have a few and watch the game.

Switching out of the shirt I had been wearing, I left for the pub outfitted in the jersey of my favorite player which I kept stashed away in my desk drawer for special occasions. As we were playing our hated rivals that night, it was looking like I was in for a pleasant evening…hopefully!


Ha! So he had switched into the jersey of both of ours favorite player, did he? Well, I hope he enjoyed the sight of me outfitted in the official version of the team jacket I happened to be wearing!

Actually, we both got a good laugh at the situation (that was then, of course). Shaking hands while each smiling broadly, Jason joined me at our table directly in front of the biggest TV screen in the place. Settling on ordering a pitcher of what proved to be the beer of choice for the both of us, we shared small talk until the game began.

In this manner, I discovered that he was not married either. Like me, he did have a live-in girlfriend who on occasion drove him insane. He had an apartment maybe six blocks from where Jenny and I lived, he had a dog named ‘Buster’ for which I was envious as Jenny was a cat person, and had been with The Firm nearly as long as I.

The ‘information highway’ was immediately blocked of any further traffic by the game starting.

For the next few hours, we yelled and screamed at what we saw displayed upon that screen. Fortunately, most of the patrons were there for the game as well, so we were not deterred from our outbursts or comments. The Sox won, and we left Flanagan’s feeling as if the world was indeed a fine place to be.


Damn! Here I thought I had him with the jersey I was wearing, and he one-upped me with that jacket! While we both laughed at the way it turned out, I promise that I will be prepared should there be a next time.

Nice jacket, though!

I was glad to see how Denny had picked the best table in the house to catch the game. Can you believe that we both like the same brand of beer? As there was a few minutes before the game began, we took the opportunity to get to know each other a little better.

When he showed me the picture of his live-in girlfriend Jenny, my eyes lit up. She had to be one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen! Showing him the photo I carried of me and Darcy together, he had the same reaction as had I; I know this to be a fact as he commented on how she was way too pretty for the likes of me as she was absolutely gorgeous! Laughingly, I suggested how maybe we should trade; at the time, it was just meant as a joke.

At the time!

Great game! We won…rather handily at that. Before we left, we exchanged our personal numbers as well as our office extensions for future reference. It had been an enjoyable evening, and one which the both of us were eager to repeat.


As Flanagan’s was only about four blocks from my place, I decided to walk home. I hadn’t gotten more than half-a-block away, when the realization that I had silenced my phone in order to watch the game came to me…just as I was remembering how I had forgotten to call Jenny and tell her of my evening’s plans! Sure enough, there were half a dozen texts which I had not responded to in addition to no less than ten un-answered phone calls with accompanying messages spread over the extent of the evening!

Initially, the intent of her communications was asking where was I as dinner was getting cold? These couple of inquiries soon changed into indications of concern as she asked a number of times if I was okay? With my not having replied to any of her concerns, the tone quickly morphed into irritation at my silence…which grew into down-right anger at my insensitivity! I had gotten about five of those, either as texts or recorded messages; I could tell that she really was mad when she happened to scream at the cat while in the middle of calling me every name in the book! Apparently, when I had still not gotten in touch, it was evident that concern for my welfare had once again creeped into her heart in the sobs she was sharing between her words.

No doubt about it…I was in deep doo-doo!


How could I have been so stupid? In all the excitement of watching the game with a Sox soulmate, I had completely forgotten to call home! From the messages I had received from Darcy, I was one dead duck!

How was I going to fix this? Telling her that I had to work late and had lost my cellphone wouldn’t cut it as she would certainly ask me if there wasn’t a single land line working in the entire building? The idea of throwing myself in front of a cab and telling her that it had happened hours earlier wouldn’t wash either, as she knew that she would have been informed by either a call from the hospital or a visit from the police. I was actually considering smashing my head into the corner of a building several times and telling her that I had been mugged and passed out in some alley; when in a flash of brilliance, an idea came to me.

Calling my drinking partner from the game, I was explaining my dilemma when Denny broke in to say that he had done the same thing and was trying to come up with a solution short of smashing his head into the corner of a stone building when I stopped him and offered him the idea I had come up with.

What if each of us called the other’s angry girlfriend with the story of how her partner had lost his cellphone, had asked me to call her earlier to let her know of our plans to watch the game, and I had completely forgotten his request until now? This would A) let her know that her man was safe, B) that he would be home very soon, and C) attempt to mend the fences when it was conveyed how angry he was with me for putting her through all this!



Jason's idea was absolutely brilliant!

Upon exchanging our girlfriend’s cellphone numbers, I dialed the one he had given me; not exactly sure of how this conversation would go down but remaining hopeful.

Immediately it was answered by a hesitant voice as she would not recognize the number showing up on her Caller I.D. screen. Initially explaining who I was, I proceeded to spin the tale which I had been given…all the while apologizing profusely for my misdeed and trying to take any responsibility from the man who would come walking through her door. Upon finishing my spiel, I waited for her response to determine if I had been successful.

For several moments, all I heard was silence; she must have been digesting what she had been told. Finally, with a voice empty of any hostility towards Yours Truly, she thanked me for informing her how everything was fine and nobody was hurt or anything.

I told her she was very kind and considerate for being so understanding and thanked her for not being so angry with me. Surprisingly, she laughed and asked “Who says I’m not angry? I’m just setting you up for if we should meet. That’s when I’ll descend on you with my wrath; can’t very well do that over the phone, can I?”

“Well, that certainly changes things,” I replied and then went silent.

In response to her inquiry of ‘what things’, I said that I had felt so guilty in putting her through the evening she had experienced that I was going to get with Jason on Monday at work and offer to treat the two of them to dinner at Flanagan’s and watch the game. But I guess that with her wrath descending upon me should this occur, the need for survival has determined how this obviously will have to reluctantly be forgotten.

“Would that offer include desert?” she asked. “You throw in some strawberry cheesecake and I just might let you off the hook.”

Indicating how Flanagan’s cheesecake was my downfall as well and must have added at least ten pounds to my waistline, she said how she had experienced the same. Without realizing what I was doing as I was enjoying this bantering so much, I told her that I had seen the picture of her which Jason carried in his wallet; and there was no way that this could be the truth!

“So were you checking me out?” she wondered; not as if she were angry, but more with a coy feminine lilt to her voice.

“Oh, no Ma’am!” I replied with a tone which dripped of false innocence. “I just glanced at your picture to be polite to Jason…nothing more, I assure you.”

“Okay, Mister ‘Oh, I Didn’t Really Look’; what color dress was I wearing?” she questioned.

I replied, “In the picture which I had seen—for only a brief instant, mind you—you weren’t wearing any dress.”

Instantly, I could hear a gasp emanating from the phone before she asked, “He did not show you that picture…did he?”

“And which picture would that be?” I countered with, my interest piqued.

“The one I know that he keeps in his wallet taken during our last vacation with me standing on the balcony of our room with no clothes on.”

The mental picture I was getting of that view made me totally forget about Jenny and wondering how Jason was faring with her.

“No; the one I saw had you dressed in a white top with possibly blue shorts;” I answered. “However, on Monday, I will attempt to snatch Jason’s wallet without him knowing in order to compare photos and verify this for you if you would like,” I valiantly offered.

“Well, I can see that I am going to have to remove that one from his wallet this weekend!” she laughed.

Countering how I wouldn’t want her to go to any trouble, once again she laughed; just before she suggested that this conversation had better end at this point. “Although I do look forward to meeting you in person; and believe me, I will be checking you out to see where your ten pounds had settled.”


Wow…I hadn’t expected that!

My call to Jenny started out with my being contrite and apologetic slowly sating her anger until I could hear no more of it in her voice. But then a strange thing happened…one I certainly had not anticipated!

We began to talk; just casual conversation about nothing and everything. But then, the tone of our conversation turned into something more…or at least that’s the way it appeared to me.

I happened to mention how Denny was such a lucky man to have such a beautiful girlfriend to come home to, when she admitted that sometimes she meets him at the door with no clothes on.

I could have let that comment pass without addressing it altogether…should have, in fact.

Instead, I found myself telling her that I would have to come home with Denny sometime unannounced and see if it was my lucky day! From that point, our conversation was full of inuendo and cute retorts. I can remember how Darcy and I had spoken to each other in just the same manner, but that seemed to have been ages ago. That spark had gone out of our relationship, and I must admit that I missed that spark very much!

We carried on this way as I walked home until I found myself standing outside of my apartment building still with phone in hand. Surmising how I had the longer trek home, and that Denny had yet to get home, he must be smoothing over the way for me with Darcy very nicely.

Spinning the same tale Denny and I had cooked up outside Flanagan’s about feeling so bad that I was going to take the both of them out to dinner, I could tell that she sounded rather excited over this news. Reminding me how I had her cellphone number, she said that I could call her to inform her what day this was to take place—unless I happened to accompany Denny home and could tell her in person—once she had put on some clothes, of course!

At this point, I beat a hasty retreat and told her that I had to go. It was either that, or…who knows.


As I had supposedly misplaced my phone, the next morning I told Jenny that I was going to run down to work and see if I could find it when it was in the bushes outside of my apartment building all the time. Turning it back on, I was surprised to see that I had received a text from Darcy’s number. All that it said was “Why wait until Monday?” along with a box to open. Clicking on the box, all I could quietly utter was “Oh…my!"


Under the auspices of having to go down to work to hopefully find my ‘lost’ phone, once outside, I went right to the flowerpot I had hidden it under. As I turned it back on, up pops a text message from Jenny’s number with an email address…nothing more. Switching over to the internet, I punched in the address. I keyed in the email which had the heading of “In Case You Can’t Be Here For A While” only to find no words in the message; just a box to open. Upon opening that box, I stood in the middle of the sidewalk with mouth open wide staring at the view which Denny was very lucky to see on occasion when he was met at the door when coming home!


Our dinner together later in the week was an eventful one, indeed! While both of us guys were with our girlfriends, all any of us had eyes for was the one we had talked to over the phone. It was very obvious, but nobody seemed to care.


Our dinner together later in the week was an eventful one, indeed! While both of us guys were with our girlfriends, all any of us had eyes for was the one we had talked to over the phone. It was very obvious, but nobody seemed to care.


In the next few weeks, we all began to see each other. Our lives at home became intolerable, until each of the girls moved out…or to be honest just switched addresses.


In the next few weeks, we all began to see each other. Our lives at home became intolerable, until each of the girls moved out…or to be honest just switched addresses.


I used to love a beautiful live-in girlfriend who occasionally drove me crazy. Now, I have one that drives me insane all of the time! What did I do!


I used to love a beautiful live-in girlfriend who occasionally drove me crazy. Now, I have one that drives me insane all of the time! What did I do!


Damn that Jason Berringer!

Damn that Denny Collins!

July 30, 2022 20:28

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1 comment

Tricia Shulist
14:27 Aug 06, 2022

That was fun! The grass isn’t always greener, is it? I liked the changing of perspective. Thanks for this.


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