Primed for Sin

Death temporarily closes your eyes, blackening the path you walked and muddying the one ahead. She couldn’t remember the last conversation she’d had with her parents. Did she tell them she loved them? Did she argue with Mom over locked doors and going out alone at night? Did she roll her eyes at Dad’s suggestion to keep an extra blanket in the car? She simply couldn’t remember. There was something niggling the corners of her memory, beckoning her to remember, but she shoved it all behind and set her dulled mind and hands to work sorting through the boxes stacked in the attic.

At the bottom of the fifth or maybe seventh box, who knew or cared, her eyes widened as they fell on a very old, weathered book with a title of faded gold lettering. Her parents were antiquity dealers specializing in rare manuscripts, so this find shouldn’t have sparked surprise and wouldn’t have if not for the unsettling title, Renae Lectus. It was her full name on a book so old it looked like it might disintegrate if exposed to too much light.

Hands shaking uncontrollably, Renae ran the tips of her fingers over the full title before moving them to lift the cover and find the mystery her parents had chosen to bury at the bottom of a box filled with inconsequential traces of family members long gone from this earth. Instinctively sensing the book’s contents would change her life trajectory, or maybe she was just hoping for that outcome, Renae took a deep breath and moved to lift the cover. It wouldn’t budge. Frustration mounting, she lifted the book from the box and set it in her lap. She turned it from side to side, looking for a clasp or lock securing its secrets. There weren’t any visible signs of restraint. She could clearly see the gold-lined pages decorating a book so heavy she had to lift it with both hands. This definitely felt like a real book, not a prop her parents might have used at one of their community marketing events to plug their antique store.

Shunning her fear of damaging a precious heirloom, Renae applied all her strength in an unsuccessful attempt to open the book. Once again, she examined every inch of the antiquated covering, looking for anything that might indicate the reason for the unyielding pages. As far as she knew, there weren’t any ancestors with her name. Her parents had extensive records showcasing the Lectern family tree. The name had been slightly altered when her family had come to the new world. The old ancestors had felt they would fit in better by changing the name Lectus to the name Lectern Renae now used. The fact that it was the old spelling on the book definitely intrigued her.

She obviously needed help. She was too tired and too numb to devote additional energy to opening a book which may or may not have secrets she needed to move forward with her directionless existence. Today she’d sleep, but tomorrow she’d take the book to Peri. Whenever her parents had a problem with any of the antiquities crossing their path, they called in Peri. He was a Professor of Linguistics and Anthropology at a local college, and he had more knowledge of ancient books and the stories and people groups they contained than anyone she had ever met. Tomorrow Peri would help her uncover this mystery. But, today she would sleep away the pain.

Sleep cradled her for a while, rocking her back and forth and humming a song of comfort and warmth. But, the book wouldn’t allow her peaceful sanctuary. Light and smoke seeped from its pages, wrapping around her body as it melted into the memory foam mattress her parents had added to the 19th century four poster bed to help guests enjoy modern conveniences while still embracing a weathered warrior of the past. They’d purchased the bed at an auction shortly after Renae had moved out, using it to transform her room into the elegant space it was now. The bed had endured unspeakable world horrors but still retained the beauty and function for which it was created.

The book was apparently created to bind and entangle. It continued its steady assault until she was encapsulated in a cocoon so tightly woven she could barely breathe. Opening her mouth to scream, Renae sucked in a plethora of smells so foreign yet so familiar they brought a flood of tears to her eyes. In sudden revelation, Renae’s eyes widened as she witnessed scene after scene in an other-worldly setting. The landscape was breathtaking, and there were huge animals closely resembling the recreations of prehistoric creatures she’d seen in a museum she’d visited as a child. There was one very consistent similarity running through each of the scenes; it was Renae herself, or at least someone who looked just like her. Fixing her eyes on one particular scene, Renae had to correct herself. This Renae wasn’t a carbon copy. In fact, she had the appearance of a ghost or spirit. Renae could see right through her. In the scene, Spirit Renae was under attack by a group of foes who were simultaneously attacking and wooing her. Renae could see her fear and sense her exhaustion. Her attackers wanted her to join them, but as long as she stood in opposition, they fought her with staggeringly deadly force.

Spirit Renae was weakening, and Renae found herself willing her look-alike to stand strong. The spirit fought a fierce battle, enduring successive attacks from her enemies who periodically paused their fighting to extend hands, beckoning Spirit Renae to succumb. Renae could smell the sweet odors emitting from the unspeakably beautiful flowers the enemies offered to the spirit. The smells were so glorious and inviting, they made Renae yearn for their possession, helping her to understand the spirit’s struggle to accept the beautiful gifts from the hideous creatures who offered them. But Renae could also sense an indescribable love which stood on the spirit’s side in opposition to the creatures. It was unlike any feeling Renae could recall experiencing. It washed peace over her and filled her with so much joy and happiness that tears rolled down her face in ecstasy during the all too brief encounter. Renae knew the exact moment the battle transformed into a full-blown, seductive courtship. The enemy stopped hurtling weapons against Spirit Renae and instead lured her with comforting words and promises never meant to be fulfilled. The enemy showed her a future filled with comfort and ease, a future without fighting or any type of discomfort. Renae watched in horror as Spirit Renae’s battle-wearied hand began to slightly relax its hold on her sword.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” Renae jerked upright in bed, the sound of her own scream sending pain through her ears and into the one spot in her left temple that always signaled the beginning of a headache. Shaking so hard pain reverberated throughout her head, she walked into the bathroom to splash cold water over her heated skin. The eyes looking back at her in the mirror’s reflection were wise eyes filled with a knowledge she dared not speak aloud.

Since she was a small child, Renae had the uncanny ability to forget. She often viewed it as a superpower helping her dull the pain of unpleasant experiences. She could bury them deep inside, and they couldn’t hurt her or even cause the slightest bit of discomfort. She could live her life, smiling when she chose and crying over nothing when she needed a release.

When she was a teenager, Renae had listened to a conversation between her parents and Peri. They were discussing their life’s mission, intermittingly declaring the word “chosen” as if it were a royal title belonging only to a select group of rulers. At one point, Renae’s father had noticed her eavesdropping and had cast expectant, hopeful eyes in her direction, seemingly willing her to embrace and pronounce the “chosen” title as well. She found their behavior absurd and delusional. She had chuckled when the words, “Introducing Her Highness, Renae Lectern, the Chosen,” boomed through her imagination in a distinctly royal English accent. The irony of the Latin meaning of her last name, Lectus, before it was changed, didn’t escape Renae. Ms. Smith had assigned a Sociology project the year before, requiring students to research their family names. She kept insisting names were powerful reminders of the past and predictors of the future. As it turned out, Lectus meant “chosen”. Renae mused it was really a shame Ms. Smith wasn’t here to participate in this conversation with Peri and her parents. She would have been annoyingly exuberant, piercing Renae with her infamous “now that’s exactly what I told you, isn’t it?” stare.

Renae couldn’t stand “I told you so’s”, and she definitely didn’t want to be involved in her parents latest “save the world” campaign. It wasn’t that she minded helping people; she truly enjoyed the happy feeling she always earned after donating her old clothes to the local Goodwill or filling a bag with canned foods for the poor at Christmas time. But, her parents’ latest mission sounded much more “involved”, and quite frankly Renae thought they really needed to stop believing they were the answer to all the world’s problems. So, she’d slipped quietly from the room, ignoring the sad, dejected look on her father’s face. Mom and Dad both had the same last name as her; let them be the chosen ones. She’d gone to her room to take a nap, waking up an hour later to meet a friend at the mall.

Losing her parents so suddenly had shaken Renae, leaving her with an expectant burden resting right outside her grasp. Since the day she’d heard the news, she’d been over-exercising her superpower, regressing into her familiar numbed consciousness. But yesterday’s find in the attic and what she could only accept right now as a dream about the book had awakened a drive, an urge to unlock secrets long forgotten or perhaps buried in an avalanche of some indescribable proportion. Although she’d seen Peri just a few days ago at the funeral, Renae couldn’t wait to talk with him and have him unlock the book’s mysteries. She found his office door ajar and tapped lightly as she stuck her head in. Peri looked up with his normal solemn stare before allowing his features to transform into the warm, welcoming smile with which he always rewarded her presence.

“I’ve been expecting you, Renae Lectus. Come in and have a seat.” Peri always used the original form of her last name, preferring the ancient over the updated. He rounded the corner of his desk and chose his spot on his office couch, patting the cushion beside him to indicate the spot he’d chosen for her. She’d learned long ago it was best to simply obey his wishes. There was never a time since she’d known him that he’d steered her in a wrong direction.

“I just saw you two days ago, Peri. Why would you have been expecting me today?” Renae was always a little in awe of Peri. He seemed like the culmination of every wise old sage she’d read about in her favorite fantasy novels. She couldn’t imagine him not being able to provide an answer to any antiquity mystery.

In true Peri fashion, he chose to grace her with a wise old idiom, sparking more questions instead of answering the one proffered. “I know it’s time to spill the beans, and you’re at the point in your life that you’re ready to count them.”

Having Peri as a close family friend had taught Renae many things. Spilling the beans was one of his favorite idioms, and she had long ago asked for an explanation. Nothing delighted Peri more than to be asked to teach the history of anything. He was a bottomless pit of information. He had explained the term “spilling the beans” most likely originated from an ancient Greek custom of voting. In order to vote, people would place either a white or black or brown bean in a container. When they placed a white bean, they were voting “yes”, but when they placed a black or brown bean, their vote was a “no”. If someone “spilled the beans", the result of the vote would be released before its time, and the secret would be out. Therefore, spilling the beans meant telling secrets. What secrets did Peri possess?

“I found this in my parents’ attic yesterday, and I’m having trouble opening it.” Renae carefully removed the book from the satchel strapped to her back and offered it to Peri. Arching an eyebrow, Peri looked deep into her eyes. He ran his fingers over the name on the cover and breathed deeply to enjoy the compelling fragrance of the book.

“Do you know the meaning of your name, Renae Lectus?” Peri looked at her with an intensity that slightly frightened her.

“Yes, I had to study name origins for a class in high school, and I know Lectus means chosen. Please don’t tell me this book is about some ancient royal who had my same name.” Renae laughed a little to lighten the sarcasm of her statement.

“Yes, Lectus means chosen, and that you are. But, what about Renae? Do you know what your first name means?"

“I wasn’t the most scholarly student in school, Peri. The assignment was to research last names, so that’s exactly what I did. Some of the other kids in class researched their first names, the names of their siblings, and the names of both maternal and paternal parents, but I had no interest. That would have required much too much effort.” Renae gave Peri a sheepish grin, hoping he’d see her childish lack of motivation as cute or endearing. Apparently, her hopes were unfounded.

“I see. Renae Lectus, you are no longer a child. When you were a child, you could act like a child. But now, you’re an adult with a purpose and a decision to make. Tell me Renae, what is your earliest memory?”

Renae had heard of people claiming they remembered things that happened when they were babies, some particularly odd persons said they remembered being in the womb. Renae didn’t remember anything specific until her first day of school. She had general impressions of people and locations when she was younger, but she couldn’t remember anything significant that had happened. She had been using her forgetting superpower for a very long time. She explained this to Peri, hoping he’d let the subject drop. No such luck.

“Do you know the verse in the Bible that says God already knew his children before they were born, Renae? What are your thoughts on this?” Peri waited expectantly for her answer.

Although she was no bible scholar, she had read significant portions of the Bible. She’d never really thought much about God saying he knew the prophet Jeremiah before he was born. Now, she took a moment to reflect. How could God know someone who hadn’t yet been born? Was it possible that people had a relationship with him before, a relationship they couldn’t remember? This almost sounded like reincarnation, a belief she definitely didn’t have confidence in. But, reincarnation involved people coming back as something different, like a cat or dog. She was sure this wasn’t what Peri was referring to. “I really have no idea, Peri. Are you trying to tell me I lived before, and I was chosen to accomplish some important task during this age?”

“You've devoted your life to dulling your senses, refusing any sense of purpose or direction. We have all been chosen to make a decision, Renae Lectus. We either accept one side or the other. There is no muddied middle ground. By choosing to ignore the sides, you are choosing the wrong one by default. The book you’ve brought to me today won’t open for you until you embrace your destiny. You have to accept who you were, who you are, and who you’re meant to be. Your life and the lives of those around you hang in the balance. You already know how to choose correctly. It is time for you to stop using what you call your superpower. Are you ready to move forward, or will you keep denying who you are? Will you keep turning a blind eye?” Peri looked at her with an other worldly intensity, waiting for her to make a decision.

Another of Peri’s favorite idioms – would she indeed keep “turning a blind eye”? In a moment of decision, she picked up her phone and Googled, “Renae name origin and meaning”. As she read the top Google result, she took a calm breath and looked at the book lying on the couch. It lay open with beautiful illustrations and words awaiting her remembrance and action. Since she was a small child, Renae had been dulling her senses, ignoring the pain and discomfort of others. No longer forgetting, Renae hugged Peri tightly and left to formulate a strategy to pick up where her parents had left off saving the world.