The Age of Anguish

Eighteen birthday candles. One for every year of my life. They stood, unlit, atop my homemade chocolate birthday cake. I didn’t normally make my own cake for my favorite day of the year, Papa did. One of many things that he has done for me. And he was coming home today! I could hardly contain my excitement. 

I had spent the whole day making sure the house was neat and tidy for his arrival. Countless hours of vacuuming, dusting, and scrubbing. But it would all be worth it to see him smile as he walked through the door, his countenance a mixture of surprise and gratitude. A simple gesture to say thank you to the man who had always put me first in his life, no matter what. So I welcomed any opportunity to make him happy. 

I peered out of my bedroom window at the driveway to see if I could spot his old white truck approaching. No sign of it anywhere. Knowing Papa, he had probably driven straight from the airport to the store to buy me several pink and red balloons. They were my favorite colors since I was a little girl. Every year on my birthday, he would buy me balloons. Even now as I was all grown up, I would still appreciate them. 

My stomach began to growl and I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. It was already four o’ clock but I guess time flies when you clean your house from top to bottom. I made my way downstairs to make a sandwich. The untouched cake on the kitchen table looking very tempting. But I wouldn’t cut into it. Not yet. Not until till he came home. 

I always hated when Papa had to leave for work. He didn’t like it either, he said he would much rather stay here with me. But I understood he was an important man to his company. They were always sending him across the country on business. At least I could look forward to a souvenir from wherever they sent him when he came back home. Usually a snow globe or a tee shirt but I would cherish each one of them. Knowing he was thinking about me while he was away made me feel so loved. After all, he was the only family I have. 

My mother had passed away before my third birthday. A horrific car accident, had killed both her and the other driver that day. My father was devastated. He and my mother had been so close, she was his best friend. I was too young to understand what had happened so Papa would always tell me she was an angel in Heaven, watching over the two of us. We would visit her grave on her birthday every year and he would tell me stories about her. Each one, I would remember to write down in my diary so I could always read them whenever I missed her. It would be like she was right there with me. 

Both of my parents had no brothers or sisters so I didn’t have any aunts or uncles. My grandparents on my father’s side were both deceased. My mother had never known her father, he had walked out on his family before she was born. I had met her mother, my Nana, before my mother had died but I don’t really remember her. After my mother’s passing, I was told she became really sick. Years later, I learned that she had actually been committed to a mental institution, the grief of losing her daughter becoming too much to bear. My heart broke for her. She knew her a lot longer than I had and I could only imagine the pain of losing your only child. A pain I prayed that my father would never have to experience as I was all he had left. 

He simply refused to start dating even years after becoming a widow. I encouraged him to try but he wouldn’t hear of it. He said that I was all that he needed. However, I believed that he was secretly lonely and would love to have a wife again. He was probably traumatized by losing my mother though so I never brought up dating very often. 

As another hour passed by, I began to grow really worried. It wasn’t like Papa to be this late, he would usually arrive home a little after lunch. Maybe his flight had been delayed? But if that were true then surely he would’ve called and told me. My brain was racing with possible scenarios of what the reason could be. None of them made much sense however and I knew I needed to distract myself while I waited for him.

I decided to go sit out on the porch swing for a bit while the sun was still out. During the winter it became dark relatively quickly and being that it was already after five, I knew that I didn’t have much time left. 

I had only been sitting for a few minutes before I saw my neighbor and close friend, Joey, on his skateboard. He zoomed past on the sidewalk by our street, only stopping after he noticed I had been watching him. 

“Hawthorne!” He called out as he started to walk towards me, referring to me by my last name like always. “What’s up?”

“Not much, just waiting on Papa.”

“Another business trip? This has to be like his fourth one in three months.”

“Yeah something like that but he’s a busy man. It has been a chance to gain independence though. I’ve had the whole house to myself without having Mrs. Walsh check in on me once.”

“Guess your old man finally decided to cut you some slack huh? Oh and happy birthday! I think you’re gonna like the gift I bought for you. When should I bring it by?”

“Tomorrow will be fine but you didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Good one, Hawthorne, but some mistakes you only make once.” He joked as we both laughed. He was referring to my sixteenth birthday when I gave him the silent treatment for two whole weeks after he forgot my birthday. He managed to make up for it with a beautiful bracelet that I wear to this day.

“Do you think he’s ok, Joey? I haven’t heard anything from him all day.”

“Like you said, he’s a busy man. I’m sure he’ll be here any second with an armful of presents for you.”

“Thanks Joey, you always know just what to say.”

“One of my many talents. Do you want me to wait for him with you?”

“Thanks but I know how busy you are on Saturdays so I’ll let you go. You really should start wearing a helmet you know.”

“And rob the world of this gorgeous head of hair? That’s just downright cruel. Later!” He said as he skated away. Probably headed to the indoor skatepark downtown. I smiled as I watched him go, I missed him already. But he was probably right. My father would be here soon. Nothing left to do but sit and wait.

After awhile my phone started to vibrate in my pocket with a notification. It was an email from my father. A little odd, considering he usually calls whenever he needs to tell me something. I knew that it must be something important so I went inside the house and sat down on the couch. I don’t know why but before I even opened it, a powerful sense of dread began to course through my body. Something was wrong, I could feel it. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what I was about to read. Little did I know how right I was to be worried. 

Gwendolyn,

There is so much I need to to tell you but I’m afraid I just cannot find the right words to say. I do not want you to think that this is your fault. It’s mine. Losing your mother has always been so hard on me but I have found that as the years go by, the pain has only worsened. You have begun to look more and more like her as you’ve grown. It’s as if she haunts me through your presence and it has become too much to bear. You are a walking reminder of the darkest moment in my life. I never meant to feel that way about you, Gwendolyn, but I can no longer deny the truth. So I started volunteering to take more trips for my job as you’ve gotten older and didn’t need me as much. I just had to escape from all of this. On one of these trips, I have met a woman who I have grown to love as I have loved your mother. She and I have gotten very serious these last few years and we are even going to be having a baby girl very soon. You are eighteen years old now and no longer will need me as this new baby will. I am so sorry. I know that I am a coward but I can not come back home. If I’m ever going to move forward, I must cut ties with everything from my past. I suggest you do the same regarding me because I am no good for you anymore. Please take care of yourself and do not dwell on this. Forget about me and be happy.

I sank off of the couch and laid down on the floor, tucking my knees against my chest. This can’t be happening. This isn’t real. My father would never abandon me. I tried convincing myself this was all a terrible nightmare that I would awaken from at any moment. But as I lay on the cold hard ground for what seemed like forever, I got a glimpse towards the living room window. It had become dark out and I knew it must be true. Papa wasn’t coming home. 

I gave into the agony I felt, sobbing uncontrollably and making pained noises I had never made before. My world was completely shattered. All of my family was gone. 

Everything made sense now. He bought all those souvenirs for me out of guilt not love. He wouldn’t try dating because he had already met somebody. And the most painful revelation of all was that he had planned for the exact moment I became a legal adult to walk out of my life forever. I never even got to say goodbye.

That birthday, my cake remained untouched and the candles were never lit.