Hard to be Holly-Jolly

“We’re doing what?”

I flinched as Dad gave Ryan a look I was usually the one getting.

“We’re having an early Christmas dinner with Kathy and Daniel.”

“Yeah, I heard you but I didn’t think you were serious!”

Dad stiffened. “Excuse me?”

“Ryan,” I whispered, “stop.”

He shook me off. “No, Tony! You don’t get it.” He wheeled back to Dad and shouted, “How could you do this to Mom??” He turned and stomped away, flat-out ignoring Dad’s, “Ryan! Don’t you walk away from me!” His bedroom door slammed shut and Dad turned to me with a sigh. “You’re gonna behave at this dinner, aren’t you Tony?” His eyes held a warning. 

“Yeah...yeah, Dad, I’ll be good.”

He ruffled my hair like I was five instead of thirteen. “That’s my boy. I gotta call Kathy.” He headed to the door of our apartment, glancing back over his shoulder. “Make sure your brother’s ready in twenty, you hear me?” He left after my “Yes, sir,” his footsteps heavy down the hallway.

I tip-toed to the room I shared with Ryan and knocked twice, then once, then twice again. “Ry?” The lock clicked and I pushed the door open to see Ryan flop back on his bed. “Dad went to call Kathy,” I said, sitting on my own bed. “He says we’re leaving in twenty minutes.”

“Screw him,” Ryan mumbled into his pillow.

I picked at a thread on my blanket. “I’ve never seen you and Dad fight before.”

He sighed and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. “You don’t get it.”

“Well, I want to get it. Why are you so angry? Dad and Kathy are...are married now. Most families have stuff like Christmas dinner together.”

“We aren’t most families, Tony!”

“I know that. But why can’t we be normal now that we have a mom aga—”

Ryan bolted upright and glared at me. “Shut up! Kathy is not our mom. She’s just Dad’s wife! You and me already have a mom, we don’t need another one!”

I shrank back a little. “Ry...Mom isn’t—”

“I said shut up, Tony! I know where Mom is! But that doesn’t matter because she’s our mom, not Kathy. I’ll remember that, even if you won’t!!”

My eyes stung and I blinked before Ryan could see the tears. “That...that isn’t...I  remem—”

Ryan muttered something under his breath and glared at the floor. I hugged my knees to my chest, staring at the thread I’d pulled out until Dad came back.

“Boys! Let’s go!”

Neither of us moved until he pushed our door open. I’d forgotten to lock it.

“Boys!” He stopped and stared at me. “Tony, are you crying?”

“No.” I shook my head and made myself look at him. “No, sir.”

Dad looked at me hard before turning to Ryan. “Get a nicer shirt on, boy.” When Ryan still didn’t move, he barked, “Now!” Both of us jumped and Ryan shuffled to the closet, changing shirts as fast as he could. “Tony, get your shoes on and wait by the door. Go on now.” I obeyed, looking anxiously at Ryan as I left the room. The point of me leaving was so Dad could chew Ry out in private, but Dad’s loud and the walls thin. Still, I tried ignoring them until I heard Ryan say,

“We haven’t celebrated Christmas since Mom died! It’s been thirteen years, Dad, and now you want Anty and me to be holly-jolly for Kathy and Daniel? We don’t even know them!”

I couldn’t breathe as I heard a sharp sound and Dad shout,

“Ryan Loscher you know better than to talk to me like that! You’ll get to know Kathy and Danny plenty well once the move is done so you may as well start tryin’ now! You hear me, boy?”

I could barely hear Ry’s, “Yes, sir,” over the pounding in my ears. I kept my head down when Dad and Ryan finally came out.

Thick silence rode with us all the way to Kathy’s two-story in “Suburbia” as I’d heard Ry call it. Our apartment was close, but the fifteen-minute drive seemed to last hours. When we pulled into the driveway, Dad turned to face the two of us in the backseat.

“Danny’s real excited to see you two again, especially so close to Christmas. You treat him and Kathy better than you do anybody else, you hear?”

“Yes, sir,” we answered.

Ryan popped open his door, stilling when Dad put a hand on his shoulder. “Act your age tonight, boy,” he said. “You’re seventeen and a man, not a three-year-old.” He released him after Ryan muttered another stiff, “Yes, sir.”

The front door opened before we reached the porch. A little boy of six ran towards us, no shoes on his feet despite the snow on the ground.

“Daddy!!”

“Hey, Danny!” Dad laughed and swung the boy around. I stared in shock at the affection. “How’s my little man?” 

“I missed you! When are you putting your stuff in my house?” Daniel demanded, though he giggled when Dad kissed his cheek. 

Ryan bumped into me, distracting me from Dad and Daniel. “Come on, Anty,” he grumbled. “It’s freezing out here.” I followed him with one last look over my shoulder, Ryan’s scoff drawing my attention. “Forgot how...picket-fence-apple-pie this place is.”

We looked at the entryway, bedecked with wreaths and lights and ribbons and every other cliche Christmas decoration you could think of. I kept craning my neck, trying to see every single decoration. 

“Is this how we’re supposed to decorate for Christmas?” I asked Ryan.

He glared at me. “Don’t let Kathy know this is basically your first real Christmas.”

“Why not?”

“Because she gives us weird looks when she finds out stuff about when we were kids.”

“I haven’t seen any weird looks.”

“That’s because you don’t pay attention. I do. She gets all sad. It’s annoying.”

Dad’s heavy footsteps end our conversation. “Did you say hi to your brother yet?” The cheer in his voice covered the warning Ry and I both heard. We turned around as Dad shut and locked the door, Daniel’s arms wrapped around his neck.

“Hey, Daniel.” I waved a little. Ryan jerked his head with a, “”Sup, kid?” Daniel looked at us both, his eyes big. Dad jostled him a little.

“You remember your big brothers, don’t you Danny? I know it’s been a little while, but they were excited to come see you!”

Ryan snorted quietly and I elbowed him in the side.

“Jay?” a woman’s voice called from the kitchen. “Is that you?” 

A big smile, bigger than any I’ve ever seen, grew on Dad’s face as the woman came around the corner. 

“Good to see you, baby,” he said softly. He kissed her and I looked away, seeing Ryan do the same.

“Merry Christmas,” Kathy whispered. “Thank you for coming tonight.”

“Are you kidding? I don’t wanna be anywhere else.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ryan’s lip curl—the expression turned into a thin smile when Kathy finally looked at us.

“Hello, boys, and Merry Christmas! It’s so good to see you again, Anthony. And Ryan...how’s school going?”

I nodded and forced a smile of my own as Ryan mumbled some fake answer to get her attention off of him.

“Mommy, is it dinner time?” Daniel’s question broke the tension as Dad and Kathy both laughed.

“Yes, sweetheart. Why don’t you and Daddy go wash up?”

“Perfect, Kath.” Dad kissed her cheek and turned to us. “Ryan, Tony, help Kathy set the table and bring the food out.” He carried Daniel down the hall with a, “Come on, lil’ man!”, leaving us with Kathy.

“Well...boys, would you mind grabbing some plates?” Kathy hurried back into the kitchen. “You can wash up in this sink, since Danny and Jay are in the half-bath.” I started to follow her with a glance at Ryan when she suddenly called, “Do me a favor and take your shoes off, won’t you, boys? I’d hate to get mud on the carpet.”

Ryan and I looked at each other. I could count on one hand the number of times we’d taken shoes off in a house. But we did, though Ryan’s grumbling as we washed our hands and set the table proved he wasn’t happy about it.

He wasn’t happy about any of this.

I wished he’d tell me why, but I knew he wouldn’t. Not unless he drank and I couldn’t see that happening. Not in a place like this, not in front of Dad’s new family.

Ryan’s shoulders grew even stiffer as Kathy directed us where to put the plates, then the glasses and silverware. Carrying it all made me super nervous and I could tell Ryan was uncomfortable too—this stuff was probably more expensive than most of the furniture we had in our apartment. There were placecards in front of each chair around the cloth-covered table. I saw my name on one side of Dad and assumed Ryan would be on Dad’s other side, like usual, until I found his name on a card next to Kathy’s...which meant Daniel was sitting by Dad. So, when neither Ryan or Kathy were looking, I switched my card with Ryan’s.

Dad carried Daniel in and sat him on his chair, ruffling his hair and letting Daniel squeeze his neck. Ryan scowled at his plate.

“Would you like some ham, Ryan?”

Ry didn’t answer—I honestly don’t think he heard Kathy’s question—but Dad cleared his throat so loudly we all jumped.

“Ryan! You want to eat tonight, boy?”

Ryan’s ears went red and he mumbled, “Yes, sir.” He gritted his teeth and forced out, “Sorry. I would love ham, Kathy.”

Kathy glanced at Dad and Daniel, who was happily digging into the meat and rolls Dad had served him, before serving Ryan and turning to me.

“Can I get you anything?” I asked, before Kathy could.

She smiled gratefully. “You’re sweet, Anthony. If you could pass the potato casserole, that would be fantastic.” I stared at all the food on the table, wondering which one was...potato casserole.

“By the green beans,” Daniel mumbled, his mouth full, and pointed at a dish. “It’s hiding from you!”

Everyone smiled a very different kind of smile, and each person’s respective expression didn’t waver until Kathy brought out three pies. Ryan’s face was the first one to change. He smiled, a real smile, for the first time in days when Kathy set a piece of cherry-apple pie in front of him. Dad kept smiling as long as he was looking at Daniel or Kathy or their house. Daniel seemed to do nothing but smile until all the food was gone.

“He likes food as much as you do,” I whispered to Ryan, who frowned at me around his mouthful of pie.

Kathy’s smile seemed as much of a fixture as the Christmas decorations. She smiled at Daniel, at me, even at Ryan, and especially at Dad. I thought I was smiling too until Daniel asked me if my tummy hurt because my face looked sad. Dad looked at me sharply and I tried harder to smile.

“Well.” Kathy clapped her hands and took our plates. “Shall we move onto presents before Danny has to go to bed?”

“Presents!!” Daniel squealed and raced to the Christmas tree, bouncing on his feet. “Come on Daddy, come on Mommy! Presents, presents, presents!!!” He came running back to the table and grabbed one of Kathy’s hands and one of Dad’s, dragging them with him to the tree. I dragged Ryan away from his third helpings of dessert and jumped when Daniel ran up to us. “You come too!” He took my hand and I grabbed Ryan’s arm and let Daniel lead us to the tree.

My eyes went wide as I took in the heaps of wrapped boxes under the tree. I’d never seen so many presents in one place.

Daniel reached for the biggest one, but Kathy laughed. “No, silly, those have to wait until Christmas Day. We do stockings first, remember?” Daniel looked longingly at the piles of gifts until Kathy placed a bright red stocking in his hands.

“Dude,” Ryan whispered in my ear, “Kathy must be loaded. Stocking stuffers and all these presents for one kid?? I think this is more than I’ve got for all my birthdays combined.”

I nodded slowly. “I...I think this is more than both of us have gotten for all our birthdays combined.”

With each toy Daniel unwrapped, his grin grew. So did Ryan’s and my discomfort. We were just...standing by the tree as he opened toy after toy, candy bar after candy bar. And when Dad came back inside—I hadn’t even noticed that he’d left—with two big, gaily wrapped presents in his arms, I had to pinch Ryan’s arm before he said something we’d all regret.

I was not looking forward to the ride home. 

“Danny!” Dad handed him the two gifts. “These are from your brothers. For you!”

Daniel’s mouth opened so wide I thought he’d hurt himself. He tore off the paper and screeched at the sight of a handy-man set and robot action figure he’d clearly been wishing for. I picked a random ornament on Kathy’s tree and stared at it so hard I couldn’t hear anything around me until Daniel’s small body slammed into me.

“Thank you, Anthony!” he said, squeezing my legs real tight and then giving Ryan a similar hug. “Thank you, Ryan!! How did you know what I wanted?”

Ry and I stammered.

“One of Santa’s elves told them,” Kathy smiled. She touched her son’s hair and whispered loudly, “Do you want to give them their presents now?”

Our eyes widened. Daniel nodded and Dad put his arm around Kathy’s waist as Daniel picked two presents from behind the tree, bouncing as he handed them to us. 

“I hope you boys like them,” Kathy said, a little worry in her voice.

“They’ll love them, Kath,” Dad assured her. He gave us a look that was totally unnecessary; we knew how to react, whether our gratitude was genuine or not.

“Santa’s elves are never wrong, Mommy,” Daniel said confidently. “They know what everybody wants and they don’t get kids mixed up like grownups do sometimes.”

Everyone’s laugher was a little forced as Ryan and I tore open the presents.

“Hey, darts!” Ryan smiled as he held up the box and nodded down at Daniel. “Thanks, kid. Maybe I’ll teach you to play.” Daniel’s eyes widened as Kathy’s and Dad’s narrowed. “When you’re older, of course.” Ryan rolled his eyes. “What’d you get, Anty?”

“Comic books.” I flipped through the small stack. “Batman and X-Men. Thanks, Daniel!”

Dad and Kathy exchanged small gifts before Kathy caught Daniel hiding a yawn.

“Time for bed, Danny,” she said, reaching for him.

“I want Daddy to put me to bed!!”

I barely held in a snort. Dad hadn’t tucked me in in years. But he brushed off Kathy’s refusal and swept Daniel into his arms.

“Of course I’ll put you to bed, lil’ man.”

“Do you remember where his pajamas are, Jay?” Kathy asked. She kissed Daniel’s head and went into the kitchen to start cleaning up.

“Oh yeah. He’ll pick ‘em out and we’ll be all ready for bed before Mommy makes it upstairs, right Danny?” Daniel nodded and yawned again as Dad started carrying him toward the staircase. Ryan and I looked at each other, unsure if Dad was going to remember that we couldn’t all spend the night. “Oh!” Dad stopped and turned around. “Boys, you head on back to the apartment. See you tomorrow, and Merry Christmas.” 

A pit opened in my still-full-from-dinner stomach. Ryan stiffened again, and we both said, “Yes, sir,” as he tossed Ryan the keys. We waved half-heartedly at Daniel, blinking sleepily over Dad’s shoulder as he carried him upstairs. He lifted his small hand and gave us one last smile before he and Dad disappeared around a corner.

Kathy gave us awkward side-hugs and promised to send Dad home with leftovers. “Have a wonderful Christmas, you two. Danny’s so excited for you all to live here, he’s got a count-down for Christmas and the big move!”

We each forced one more smile and yanked our shoes on, hurrying out the door as fast as we dared, breathing sighs of relief when the front door closed behind us.

“Guess it’s just you and me tonight, Anty,” Ryan said as we got in the car. 

“Yep.” I sighed. “Just like usual.”

“True.” He laughed wryly and drove the car out of Suburbia. “Well, Merry freaking Christmas.”