Christmas Party - The Day After

 Sometimes things don't go quite as planned...

They finally left. His daughter, her husband, and their four rowdy kids were on their way to the other grandparents’ house. This year, the big Christmas dinner would be somewhere else. He quietly thanked the gods for this blessing.

The kids, always thrilled about Christmas and receiving gifts of any kind (except clothes), had been less destructive this year. The two oldest, that he nicknamed Destructo and The Annihilator, had gone easy this year. So far, he had found only two crushed glass ornaments. So far. There was still a lot of cleanup to do.

Grandma had gone in to take a nap. She had gotten up early, and those grandkids simply wore her out.

He was puttering about and cleaning up the smoking wreckage left behind by the grandkids. He looked forward to a nice quiet Christmas this time. Just him and his wife. Dinner would be an oven stuffer roast chicken, without the complications of a huge holiday feast. After a slice of apple pie, they would enjoy a bottle of wine, a cozy fire in the fireplace, and old movies on TV.

He swept up the shattered remnants of a glass ornament and stuffed the last of the wrapping paper into a trash bag. The living room was back to normal, the tree trimmings had survived yet another Christmas. Some ornaments hanging there were very old, practically family heirlooms. He always cringed when the kids were near the tree. Begging them to be careful was part of the holiday celebration.

He sat on the floor, surveying the living room. Everything was where it should be.

He noticed a package. Another gift under the tree. How did he miss that?

He pulled it from beneath the tree. A small package, about the size of a paperback book, wrapped in red paper. The tag had his name on it.

Sneaky, he thought. It was just like his wife to stash a final gift for him.

He looked around, and like one of his excited grandchildren, shredded the paper from the package.

It took a few seconds for him to recognize the book.

It was the old personal phone book that had always been right with the phone in the hallway of the house he grew up in.

Oh, how he remembered looking up numbers for friends and family. He opened the book and leafed through the pages. So many old numbers, so many no longer in use. New numbers penciled in next to the names, old numbers still readable. Crossed out, but only with pencil. All written in the book long before area codes had to be dialed.

Dialed. Talk about the old days. Who dialed a phone anymore?

His mind drifted back to a Christmas at his own grandparents, so many years ago. He was maybe ten.

He flipped a few more pages, looking for their number. He knew the number by heart – he could never forget it. But he looked it up anyway.

A warm feeling came over him as he looked at the name and number written so long before.

Oh, to hear his grandmother’s voice again. Here he was, some fifty years later, a grandparent himself. But it was Christmas, and inside, he was still ten.

He picked up the phone. He looked at the number again, just to make sure. He carefully pressed each button, chuckling as he thought of dialing. No area code this time, just her number.

MUtual one - no, they haven’t used words for the prefix in years – six, eight, one…

He hears it ring. Someone picks it up.

A woman on the other end clears her throat, and answers, “Hello? Merry Christmas.”

Fractured Wishes...

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           Well, thank you!

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           Um, thanks again.

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           How many times are you going to...?

And a Happy New Year!

           Okay, sorry. Thank you!

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           Oh no, again?

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           Now look, I really do appreciate this but...

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           I’m really busy here with serving supper so I...

And a Happy New Year!

           You too. Thanks. I have to go and...

Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin...

           Well, that is nice but I still have to...

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

           I gathered that, but I have all this food to serve and...

Now bring us some figgy pudding...

           What kind of pudding?

Now bring us some figgy pudding...

           I never heard of figgy...

Now bring us some figgy pudding...

           What, all this food isn’t enough for you? After I’ve been cooking for three days and...

Now bring it right here!

           Who the hell are you giving orders to...?

We won’t go until we get some...

           How’s that again?

We won’t go until we get some...

           Like hell, I’ll call the cops and...

We won’t go until we get some...

           Get out of my house!

Now bring it right here!

           Pushy drunken bastards, I said get out!

Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin...

           If good tidings means wrecking my house, then I don’t think I...

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

           Who’s going to clean up this mess you made here? Get out!

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           Get out now! I mean it!

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           Don’t make me do something stupid in my own house now!

We wish you a Merry Christmas...

           I’ve got a gun! See?!? I’ve got a gun! GET OUT! NOW!

And a Happy New Year!

           You’re not going to make it to New Year if you don’t get out of here now! 

The Day After...

The day after Christmas and look at this place,

I’m sitting here crying, tears on my face.

I invited the gang, I thought they were nice,

The only thing left is this half bowl of ice.

They drank all my booze and ate all my food,

And left such a mess, I’m in such a foul mood.

I cooked and I cooked, and they still wanted more,

It wasn’t even ready and they broke down my door.

Feed us, they yelled, give us the eats,

They ate all the food, the cakes, and the treats.

They drank beer and wine and vodka and gin,

See if I ever have a party again.

Before I knew it, they stole someone’s tires,

And then had all the furniture on fire.

What the hell’s going on in here?

“Oh shut up and bring us more beer!”

Did they all like my dinners? My desserts and my cakes?

They wolfed them all down, what difference did it make?

My ziti, my shrimp, the cold cuts as well,

Disappeared in a feeding frenzy from hell.

Booze bottles were empty, as was the beer ball,

And some guy was peeing there in the hall.

Hey! Why are you doing that in here?

“Whattaya mean? Gotta let out some beer!”

The bathroom’s right there, right through that door,

Then I saw the toilet ripped from the floor.

Someone else had barfed in the sink,

The smell was atrocious! Man, did it stink!

I invited some forty, I cooked for twice that amount,

Over two hundred showed before I lost count.

They devoured it all, even an old hat,

And I’m really worried, I can’t find my cat.

There, from my room, I here some noise and some racket,

From naked drunks under the coats and the jackets.

Who are you? Why are you here?

“Oh shut up and bring us more beer!”

My house was wrecked, the whole place trashed,

My car was burned and the tires were slashed.

The cops were here, twice, and I’ll pay a big fine,

My court date comes up on January 9.