Unashamed

October 3 1876

I'm scared. Jonathan is getting suspicious. I must keep him away from hospital and here in Boston in general but how can I? I do not want to leave myself.

I went to visit Marguerite today. She still coughs but the doctors are negligent. I struggled to contain myself. My sweet baby! Jonathan watched us together from outside the room, I felt like he was trying to bore a whole through my gut. He left a few minutes for which I was most relieved. I could finally embrace my child instead of politely inquiring the nurse. I have told him she was a friend's child. But I am not sure he believes me.

Marguerite was so tired she fell asleep in my arms but I had to leave her with the nurse before Jonathan came back.

I have been trying to keep quiet at night but it is hard. As soon as my head hits my pillow my head is filled with Marguerite. Jonathan is a deep sleeper but he was woken twice already. I have lied about allergies to explain the tears. May God forgive me.

October 7 1876

We are in back in Springfield. I am both relieved and heartbroken. I know it was a risk to ask Jonathan to take me to Boston. I made up a hundred fake reasons to go. Mostly about sea air, but who goes to a city for fresh air?

Jonathan is out, probably with the Dashwood's. We have been spending more time apart. It is good, he will see my distress less, but sometimes I feel he knows all already.

I must get to the food. It will burn.

I am back. My belly is swollen and it hurts to get up and down. I pray this child will bear no resemblance to Margeurite. Even though Margeurite is dark, I can see myself in her, in her eyes and mouth.

October 8 1876

Jonathan has been moody all evening. I tried to cheer him up but he refused to talk. As I am writing he is reading the paper. The sports section. Jonathan is a very practical man and has no interest in sports. I am at a loss.

October 12 1876

It is wild! I apologize if my writing is shaky. I am in the back of a wagon, riding toward Boston. Xavier sits beside me.

He came last night and tapped on my window. You could not imagine my shock. He had traveled from Chicago after receiving a letter from the hospital about Margeurite. She has pneumonia.

My hand is shaking so bad, I am sorry.

Xavier just placed his hand on my arm but he hasn't looked at me. I do not blame him. After what I have done I do not deserve him or Margeurite.

The only words he said where when he handed me the letter bearing the dreadful news. He is her official guardian so they sent the letter to him. I do not know why he chose to bring me. Perhaps there is still some pity. Whatever it is, I do not believe I would have been lived on if something happened to her, even if I did not know. Wouldn't there be some inner instinct that knew?

This dreadful wagon is bouncing so. I hope the baby is alright. Xavier ignored my belly but I could tell it bothered him. I have long learned to read the emotions that are hidden behind his face.

Oh God, what am I doing? Am I again to betray someone who loves me?

But I must ask, for my heart sinks, does Jonathan love me? I do not know what I will say to him. I prefer not to think of it.

October 13 1876

I woke up when the wagon stopped. The movement had eventually lulled me to sleep. Xavier helped me off and we had a very silent breakfast in a small restuarant. I am hiding in the outhouse to write. It doesn't feel right to make them wait for me, to make Margeurite wait for me, but writing in the wagon made me nauseous.

No sign of Jonathan. Hopefully he thinks I just left for some space. I have done so before, in the earlier days of our marriage when I still felt the pangs of guilt.

Now with Xavier here, it seems as if a whole new wave has washed over me.

Oh, Margeurite! How I long to hold her! I must go.

October 16 1876

Her cough racks her body, mucus is coming out of her mouth. The nurses think me crazy, why should a white woman spend so much time with a little dark baby? Because she is mine and I want to shout that fact to the world. If only I could. If only...

October 25 1876

She's dead. How can it be? I prayed so hard everyday but she just got worse and now. It is too hard.

It took four days before I could even write here. I want to deny it, to pretend it was a dream but she died in my arms. How can I pretend? I cannot pretend she is not my daughter. I screamed so loud the moment her heart stopped, the whole hospital rushed to the children's ward. I was not ashamed. I begged the doctors to try and resuscitate her but none could.

Xavier pulled me away from her body. I fought and am sorry to say gave him many bruises before collapsing.

Xavier has been bringing me food, but I feel no appetite. I have no desire to eat. No desire for anything.

October 29 1876

I am eating. Xavier gently reminded me I'm carrying another child. I cannot be the cause of this one's death too.

They buried my Marguerite in the graveyard outside the Saint Anne church. There is no headstone, merely a small white cross.

I wanted to be there, to see her one last time. To tell her her mother was there, but I never was and I wasn't today. Xavier insisted I stay home.

October 30 1876

Jonathan came yesterday. I heard him yell at Xavier outside my room. I don't know why. Eventually he came into my room, clutching papers. He is divorcing me on terms of adultery. I begged him to reconsider, trying to explain but he called me a whore and refused to listen.

He said I must sign. It doing so I am giving up my rights to anything of his. Not even the baby could convince him to stay. He said it wasn't his.

It is though. Although no one will ever believe me, both of my children where conceived in a holy union. It was the people who would not acknowledge my marriage to Xavier.

My family separated us before they knew I was pregnant and to my shame I did not fight hard enough. I let them take me away because I could not bear the scorn. I can only imagine what Xavier suffered.

Once Margeurite was born they put her in the hospital and signed her to Xavier's name, forbidding me to ever see her.

I met Jonathon and married him only a year after my daughter was born. He had travel to Boston regularly but he rarely took me. Rumors had reached him in Boston about me so he didn't take me to avoid scandal.

I do not think he believed them at first but he soon started to see the truth. I have tried so hard to hide the truth from everyone and it has resulted in the death of my child. If I had only stayed with her and cared for her she may have survived.

I do not know what to do know about the papers. I know I must leave, it would not be fair to require Jonathan to stay after what I have done but the thought of another child growing up without their father is breaking.

November 3 1876

I know what I must do. I hate to be so vulnerable but I will ask Xavier... oh how can I ask him to be a father to another man's child?

Later-

I did it. I stumbled through it and stood before him for a very long minute. Then he came close to me and lifted my chin. I could see the tears in his eyes but I could not tell why.

"Suzanne, I.. " He turned away for a second. Then he kissed me. You do not know how much I missed him. I did not know either. The tears came rapidly and all I could say was I'm sorry, I'm sorry, over and over again.

I do not know how anyone could be so forgiving. Xavier carried me to bed and kissed my forehead. "Tell me Suzanne, tell me that you love me. That you don't simply want this for convenience."

"No." I choked. " I have always loved you, even when I wasn't strong enough to stand up for us."

"No, you are strong Suzi. Now rest. Even the strong need sleep." He turned off my lamp which I have lit again to write this. I do not know what will happen in the future but whatever happens, I will not be ashamed.