friends

when I first started feeling not good, I was in my math class, there was no teacher and I just stayed put deciding against doing my work. Instead, I laid my head down holding back these feelings of being overwhelmed, by what I'm still not positive I know today. there was work passed out by one or two of my classmates, I couldn't care less. I was focused on not breaking down, I kept my hood over my eyes the entire class period. I pretended to be asleep as my old teacher from seventh grade walked in. After a while, the class was over. I got up silent as ever, and walked over to the door. The bell rang and I went to my ceramics class. However, I was interrupted by my friend who went to a different class, she said "whats up chat" and we walked the short walk to the split we go to go to different classes. I entered the class going to where my friends hang out and I sat down next to the wall my back to the AC. As I lay against the cold metal of the AC in the ceramics room, I covered my face with my hood. I haven't cried in months, but I can feel the tears approaching, and I don't know why or where they are coming from. across from me is my 2 friends. I lay on the ground, half sitting, half laying. I lay there, staying quiet, and my other friend to my right past the table asks me if everything is alright. I respond, saying, "I'm fine." she responds with, "Hey, I know you're lying. It's not easy to lie to me." I stayed quiet, however, and I'm not sure if she said anything else. I lay there trying to focus on the music coming from my airpod in my right ear. My hands are in my pockets, clenching into fists. I'm on the verge of tears, and I'm praying I don't teeter off of it. I felt tears flood into my eyes but not fall. I keep myself silent as I feel a tear fall. I lower my head further, hiding my face more, half praying someone does notice and that no one notices. I feel more tears fall down my face, and I try to figure out why I'm feeling this way. is it because I've gone through another breakup? Is it because of the situation my father's girlfriend's son is in? Is it because I don't feel supported? is it because I feel completely alone? I wonder more and more. knowing all of this is true. is it because I just got back on my meds? is it because I keep pushing my emotions down until I can't feel them? is it cuz I haven't asked for help? is it because of the rumors one of my exes is spreading? Is it because I'm just depressed and have been for years? is it because of PTSD? Is it because I would rather be anywhere but here at this moment? my two friends in front of me have sat down, one on a stool, the other on the ground right in front of me. I pull my hood down again, my heart freezing momentarily, she didn't notice. I kept my hood down, unable to stop the tears. I felt so alone, and I hated myself for not asking for help. I know I need help, but I can't ever ask for it, this made me feel worse. Oh, how I desperately wanted to ask for a hug, how I wanted to have someone say it's ok, that everything is gonna be fine. I couldn't stop crying. I hated myself for crying, I hated myself for having emotions, and I hated myself because I thought I was getting in my head and making things worse than they were, I wanted to stop crying and pretend everything was fine like I always do. But I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to leave, or just feel better, to have the capability to just stop feeling. But I couldn't, I couldn't stop crying no matter what I tried. the teacher started taking the role, and he called out a couple names. eventually, he called out mine. out of reaction, I lifted my head and said, "Here!" then my friend sitting across from me on the ground saw the tears still on my face. Her face looked worried and concerned. immediately, I looked down, pulling my hood over my eyes, and I wondered why I did that. I knew I wanted help, but I just couldn't ask for it. After a couple seconds, my friend said my name and asked, "Hey, do you want a hug?" I nodded slowly, and she crawled over to me and hugged me. I felt more tears fall, but I didn't know why. I felt my facial muscles tighten in my chin, eyes, and mouth. I felt myself breathing weirdly, something I hadn't done in years, only when I got hurt as a younger kid when I was sobbing in pain. But I made no noise, my friend hugged me for a while before asking what was wrong. I responded saying I don't know, my voice was wavering from the fact I was crying. I didn't want to stop hugging her, but I knew the hug was over. A couple of seconds later my other friend asked my friend if I was all right. I don't know what she said but my friend got me tissues, and then my teacher said if I wasn't up doing some work I'd be marked absent, I wiped my tears away and got up feeling better. At the end of class, my other friend hugged me, and they both said that I can talk to them about anything. Once I got home I texted them both my thanks, I know I'm lucky to have them as my friends, and honestly id do anything for them