Let the Night Take Me

An entry from the diary of E.B., an old friend:

January 9

12AM. I toss and turn. In seven hours, I will be with him. I do not want that moment to come.

I cannot sleep, but if I could, I am not sure that I would. I am tempted to let the night take me. Let the night take me and take my fears with it. Let the night release me from my own mind and set me free upon the paradise of dreamland. Let that dream stretch for hours and days. Let it embrace me and keep me from the cold, dark day.

But I do not think I should sleep. I cannot hope that dreamland will be kind. A happy dream can end in a blink, and a nightmare can linger for eternity. I have this precious time alone, in the dead night when the world stops, free from the world and from chance, threatened by my anxieties but safe from their realities. To sleep now means I wake sooner. The only thing I fear more than sleep is what I must wake to.

1AM. I toss and turn. In six hours, I will be with him. I cannot stop that moment.

Mother could not stop it either. She wanted to take me with her. They would not let her. She told them it was best for me. They would not believe her. She begged and she cried for me, but it changed nothing. They would not let me go with her. They said she yelled. They said she cursed. They said she drank. They said she was unhealthy. They said she hurt me. They said she was unfit.

I should not sleep. I do not think dreamland will be kind. A happy dream might end in a blink. Time wastes away, but time still remains. The world has stopped for now, and my anxieties are not yet realities. To sleep now means I wake sooner. The only thing I fear more than sleep is what I must wake to.

2AM. I toss and turn. In five hours, I will be with him. I am afraid of that moment.

It’s Father’s fault. He told them she hurt me. He said she was unfit. He said she couldn’t take care of me. He said I belonged to him. He said it was for the best. They believed him. She is gone now.

I must not sleep. Dreamland probably will not be kind. Happy dreams end in a blink. I still have time. Reality is still far away. To sleep now means I wake sooner. The only thing I fear more than sleep is what I must wake to.

3AM. I weep. In four hours, I will be with him. I dread that moment.

He told them he was kind. He told them he would care for me. He told them he always cared for me. He told them he was healthy. He told them it was best for me. They believed him. They told me I must be with him.

I will not sleep. Dreamland will not be kind. Nightmares linger for eternity. I am losing time now. Let the world stay still. Keep reality away. The only thing I fear more than sleep is what I must wake to.

4AM. I weep. In three hours, I will be with him. I am terrified of that moment.

He told me he would be kind. He told me he cared for me. He told me what he did was healthy. He told me he would not hurt me again if I did not say anything. He lied. He lied every time.

He hurt me. I told them he hurt me. They did not believe me. He hurt Mother too. I told them. They did not believe me. I begged and cried to be with Mother. They would not let me. They told me it was for the best. They told me I must be with him. They are wrong.

Nightmares linger for eternity.

5AM. I stifle my screams. In two hours, I will be with him. I would rather die than face that moment.

I am tired. I think I could sleep now. I wonder if I should let the dark take me. Let the dark take me and take my fears with it. Release me and set me free upon paradise. Let that dream stretch for hours and days and years. Let it embrace me and keep me from the day.

Perhaps I should sleep now. Dreamland may not be kind, and nightmares may linger for eternity. I am out of time. The world will move again, and with the movement of the world comes the chance for my anxieties to come true. I want to sleep, but I do not want to wake. Reality is the greatest nightmare of all.

6AM. I am still. In one hour, I will be with him. I want to die.

Mother was unhealthy. She yelled. She cursed. She drank. But she never hurt me. She was kind. She cared for me. She always cared for me. She told me to be strong. She told me to be courageous. She told me not to be afraid. She told me she would always be with me.

I will not be afraid. Dreamland may be kind. I may have happy dreams that linger for eternity, or if there are nightmares, they may be only blinks. Time is precious. The world moves in many different directions. Chance may see my anxieties wiped away. To sleep means I will wake, but what I wake to may be kind.

I hope I will see Mother again. I hope I wake to kindness. I hope that happiness is eternal, and if there are nightmares, I hope that they do not linger. I hope that when the world moves, I will be free from anxiety. I hope for paradise. I hope it stretches for hours and days and years. I hope to be embraced.

I will be strong. I will be courageous. I will not be afraid. She will always be with me.

7AM. I am going to him now.