Broken isn't forever

There are some things which can be hard to live with. Things like loss or, regret. But especially heart break. We often take the best of ourselves, place them in unsteady hands, and just hope they don't drop us...

There was a boy once, who I loved very much. We met in high school and it was like seeing color for the first time. Or, more so, it was like being wrapped in warmth after being out in the cold for too long. Really - I know that may be a bit cliche... So I'll let you know early on, it wasn't like the books. There was no shortness of breath or butterflies in my stomach. If I may sample a line from an old poem I wrote after he left, "there was no heart beating so fast I thought it would jump out of my chest into your hands and say, "Home." He made me smile, genuinely smile even on the grey days. It was as simple as that. We ended up getting together in our Junior or Senior year of high school (how the mind forgets such minor details), we entered our early twenties together before things would change.

I'm someone who suffers from depression, and anxiety. These too, can be hard to live with. My depression and anxiety made it difficult for me to hold a job or even go to school. Hindsight being twenty/twenty, I don't blame him for leaving me. There was a lot I needed to work on. A lot of growing I needed to do. So no, I never have nor will I ever blame him or be angry at him for leaving. I have however always, and will always blame him and be angry at him for the way he left.

You see, he cheated on me. With a girl from his job. Not physically, that I know of, which would probably have hurt less if you can believe it. He fell in love with her while he was still with me. Often times since then, I've allowed myself to consider the possibility that maybe he never loved me at all. Since that would be a reprieve from the thought that he really did love me, but he just stopped one day. And that it was all my fault.

Side note: I'd liked to say, if anyone can relate to this, it's not your fault. Maybe you didn't do something you should have, like getting a job or even just getting out of bed in the morning, or you did and it ended up failing... Please know that's okay. It's okay as long as you get back to it the next day, and take it from there. Depression and anxiety are daily battles that make it hard to face each day. You are worthy of love, even on your worst days, that's when you should be loved extra. It is a hard battle, and a confusing one, but one worth fighting. So please, keep fighting and seek out anyone or anything that makes you happy and brings you peace. Hold on to it, and keep going...

When I learned he was with his new love after less than a week of us being broken up (a three year long relationship), I was distraught. How was I suppose to be okay after losing him? The person who made me laugh even when no one else could? This person who I wanted forever with, and even after that. The pain, which occasionally turned to anger, led me to do something unexpected...

I've been a writer since I was about seven, when I lost my uncle who was like the protector of the family. I found the only way I could grieve was putting pen to paper and writing to him, or about him. Writing I found, was a great tool for expression and escaping.... While my ex and I were together, I was already working on a secret poetry book full of love poems for him that I was planning to publish, it would have been my first published work... I eventually did publish my first, albeit not very good, poetry book on Amazon. Though it was filled with different poems. It was a poetry book in the form of a story, where I wrote poetry showcasing the stages of two people falling in, and out of love. Now, I should clarify, the unexpected thing wasn't publishing the poetry book; that was always the dream. Always the plan. The unexpected thing was that I, someone who never believed in herself and who didn't think she'd make any dream come true, used her heart break to break down her own low self esteem and toxic traits. This heartbreak, unexpectedly, made me realize I needed to be different, to grow. It forced me to take a long hard look at myself and lit a fire inside me that made me want to prove I could be better. That maybe I could change his "it's too late", to something I wanted to hear. I needed to be better, and I would be. I published my poetry book in December of 2017, a couple of months after he broke up with me. Two months later, I also started college and I've been walking right out of my comfort zone to make new friends and memories.

I know that may not seem like much, but to a girl who lost the boy she was deeply in love with, to a girl who never saw a future before him, to only have a whole future filled with his laughter and his friendship ripped from her... I am grateful to him, and the time we shared. I am grateful for the heartbreak. I don't think I would be the woman I am today, still growing and learning, without him or the break. Unexpectedly, my heart break led me to becoming better than I was. I will always be thankful for that painful push that made me grow to be better for myself, and those I form relationships with.