Unexpected Treasure

Opportunity 

Knocks and holds its breath waiting

Daring us to choose…

Sometimes the world tilts beneath your feet and your life is never the same again.

Searching and searching for a special soul for so long, one eventually gives up.

This year was the year, apparently. This year was the year I finally started to take action to offset the apathy; to climb out of the well of despair I've been stuck in for so long. This year I finally remembered that hope still remained in the Pandora's box of my soul.

This year I joined the library board. I finally saw the northern lights. I found a horde of star trek books in the little public library.  

June was such a rough month, with a painful biopsy and a bad storm that brought a tree down almost on my head and damaged the house. Starting up a chain reaction of stress and anxiety.

I reached out to my old boyfriend Mac to talk about how he was coping during a long period of unemployment. “How are you staying sane after this long hiatus?” And for us nerds who find a ray of hope among the final frontier, the answer was “Star Trek fan club. Want to join our ship? You'll have to start out as an ensign.”  

Of course I said yes. I have been a fan since childhood. The only drawback is that the club was from the New York area. An area I had tried to forget because of a painful past. But all the meetings were online. “Zoom meetings?” I thought aloud, “Well, I suppose not being a local member of the club, that makes sense” Ah Zoom, one of the blessings and curses of the pandemic.  

What a strange way to meet. At a distance, through a small screen. A shabby substitute for being in the same room. But times will change and technology changes alongside.

And then I found you. And life will never be the same. I don't want it to be the same.

That first meeting I just listened in the car, orienting myself to the voices of the different members. Being a wallflower, like I've been used to. Analyzing group behavior before joining in.  Lurking and waiting to interact. A neurodivergent survival tactic honed by years of awkward social dynamics. Even then, you stood out from the group of nerds, a unique voice among them.  

Mac introduced me to the group as the newest member and the chat continued anon, until I heard them say, “Iris really likes green” emphasizing that several times. I thought, “That's weird. I mean, yes I like green, why is that so important?” I thought it was a reference to the emerald green cloak that first led me to meet him long ago.

And finally towards the end of the meet and greet, our dear friend Mac said, “Iris, you and Lucy may have met before.” 

“Oh, when did that happen?”

“We were all clubbing in new york city”

“You mean the night I got drunk on Long Island iced tea? I barely remember anything about it other than it was dark, it was loud, and the walls and floors had a distinctive gravitational pull”

“That was the one time you talked me into clubbing.” you laughed at him. But you still looked through his albums to see if you recognized me from back then.  And you did.

When I found out you were a writer too, I knew we would be friends. And then we chatted separately and discovered you love words and writing as much as I and both having a book published was only the first of many fateful synchronicities that tipped the scales.

I read your book, and you read mine. We imprinted and bonded through the sharing of past traumas, our dreams, our hoard of knowledge and shared interests. Another gemini, a long lost twin. Similar tastes, similar twists of fate, shared fandoms, and a love of the color green.

Before I knew it, we were talking every day. On the phone, in the car, via full bandwidth texting and talking and gazing. Any spare moment, we used to learn more and more about our similar inner worlds. We couldn't get enough of each other.

We talked about fiction and fantasy, science fiction and shared favorites. When we started talking about music, you made me a playlist of songs.  

“Oh my! She made me a mix tape! What a thoughtful, old school move.” I said as I began to listen to the soundtrack that would come to define the next few months. As the songs played, those carefully curated heartfelt lyrics spelled out a message of fervent love. Romance was in the air. Soft, sapphic romance with an 80’s twist. Thank goodness you were brave enough to dare, otherwise we would have danced around our feelings for much longer.

You fired a shot across my bow, intentions boldly declared. Ardor and longing and brazen pursuit. It took me aback, because I had stopped looking for a girlfriend long ago.

I had been searching for so long. 25 years or more, back when Mac had tried to find me a girlfriend. But I had given up, and settled into married life as a closeted bisexual with a spotty history of forgotten and buried polyamorous tendencies.

In fact, it had been so long, I thought I was the most asexual bisexual ever. My sexuality was so deeply buried by that point I had lost my libido, my creative drive, and my fire.

We were both holding on, but barely. Fighting for survival, but longing to be seen. Shields weakening, beset by the missiles and arrows of life. Trying to keep it together. Keeping our heads down, doing what had to be done.

And then you came along, the world tilted. You reawakened all of those parts of me that were dying, languishing in the dark corners of my soul.

I saw you for you. Your bared soul, your vulnerability, your weary strength, your compassionate heart. Others might see you differently, as a pretender to womanhood. But I knew you as the woman you were always meant to be. And you saw me. You saw the trauma and the flaws and the pain and regret and accepted everything about me with grace.

July was a month of waiting. Waiting to accept your petition of love. Waiting for the levers to click into place. Waiting at the hospital for my heart to stop flopping around in my chest. Waiting for medical clearance, waiting for the other shoe to fall. Waiting for an important surgery. Waiting to set old fears aside and say goodbye to my regrets and living in fear.  

Putting the past behind me while exploring the future. The final lever dropped into place the night I reclaimed my nudity, live modeling for a local figure drawing class. Holding those last excruciating poses, with thighs shaking from a shocking lack of exercise, I thought of you and your bravery. It was then that I knew I loved you and I finally opened that door to love again.

Once again, I said yes to love. To unexpected love. “Yes, Lucy, please be my girlfriend.”  

After surgery, you were there for me, holding my hand remotely, creatively wearing scrunchies on your hand to mimic the comforting grip, imagining my hand in yours.

You were there to help me confront old demons, to leave behind regret where it couldn't be fixed, and to make reparations where it was still possible. But most of all, you inspired me to stop letting fear hold me back any longer. Your courage in being your truest self makes me want to be my best self as well.

So many deep conversations, so many future flashes and daydreaming about what it would be like to be together. So many quiet chats where we stared into each other's eyes at a comfortable and breathtaking loss for words. Your jade green eyes brought me calmness and peace balanced with excitement and arousal at the same time. A conundrum. A riddle to be answered.

We had a connection of the mind, the eyes, the heart, and the intellect. All that remained was to see if our physical chemistry matched what we felt online.

I feared that reality would fall flat and disappoint us both, that the fantasy overinflated our sense of fateful love and attraction. We both have rich and vivid imaginations. Second guessing all the time wondering and hoping things would go our way. Sexting is all fun and games until you have to put those words into fruitful action. 

When you showed up on my doorstep, playing our song as you pulled up in front of the house, everything became real. You were finally here. You were really real. My blood roared in my veins, ear ringing, heart pounding adrenaline flooding my synapses. Can't fight it, can't run away. Resistance is futile. And I desperately want to add your uniqueness to my collective.

Our ecstatic joining was more intense and intuitive and joyful than either of us imagined. You skillfully touched the essence of my core, setting me ablaze in sublime ecstasy.

When it comes right down to it, the reality of our connection is more intense and amazing than our fantasy could ever be. And the world will never be the same.

I have searched so long and am overjoyed to have finally found you.

My Unexpected Treasure

The universe has answered the silent pleas of both your heart and mine

The impossible made possible in unlikely ways

The needle in the haystack

The pearl hidden by oyster slime

The diamond covered in mud

The vein on precious metal buried in the earth 

Exposed

Discovered

Refined

Opportunity brought an unexpected guest

A blind date with destiny

Distant rumblings of love

Sound like the echo of thunder

Or the tremors of an earthquake 

It thrills me and terrifies me at the same time

I fear this avalanche we have triggered 

May bury us both….