How to Survive the Apocalypse

HOW TO SURVIVE THE APOCALYPSE

And High School at the Same Time

By Remi Julian

Here’s the thing about the apocalypse. It’s basically a giant game of dodgeball. Nobody really likes it but everyone has to play. If you want to walk away unscathed, you have to think strategically. At first you have to blend in, stay out of the way. Then, as people disappear from the playing field, you’ve got to be quick, ruthless and light on your feet. You have to know how and when to catch the ball and how to send it to the right target with laser precision. It takes practice, skill and knowledge to come out on top. 

I have survived a global pandemic, complete with twelve plagues, two natural disasters, riots and a war between fighting political factions. I managed to ride out an asteroid landing on Earth. I’ve dodged zombies and flesh eating ants. I’ve lived on nothing but a pack of gum for three days. I know a thing or two about the apocalypse.

Living through the end of the world is a bitch, but living through it during high school is just plain brutal. If you want to survive both, you’ve got to up your game and learn how to be a badass. Here’s how:

1. Expect the Unexpected. The apocalypse will unroll itself out slowly, in stages. A global pandemic was our first hint that things were going south, and what did we do? We painted rainbows on the sidewalk and stared at our phones. By the time things got bad, we were too busy binging horror movies and getting annoyed with our parents to pay attention. The apocalypse got us right where it wanted us, then it unleashed its apocalyptic fury. You don’t want that.

2. Manage Stress. The apocalypse is super traumatic, but you’re going to want to avoid some of the more popular stress-busting activities.  Like baking. Don’t bake a million cookies, and whatever you do, do not start with the sourdough. It’s like a baby that you have to take care of every single day and you just do not need that right now. Also, stress eating. Super counter-productive. Do not mow down the ice cream. Step away from the chips. The pounds pile on like nobody’s business when you eat your feelings, and I’m here to tell you, twenty extra pounds make a huge difference when you are running from a pack of rabid zombies. Those suckers are faster than they look.

3. Plan Ahead. I get that you need your makeup and your hair stuff every single day. Take it from me, a good bronzer will not help you when you’re hiding from a zombie controlled drone. (And please, please, don’t fall for it when the drones say they’ll make you Tik Tok famous. They won’t. They’re out to get you.) Pack your backpack with essentials only. By essentials, I don’t mean your cell phone charger and some breath mints. I’m talking about useful stuff like food, a first aid kit, a flashlight, a screwdriver.  You don’t survive a sneak attack with breath mints. And here’s a little tip; screwdrivers are zombie killing gold, especially the long ones. Nobody’s going to stop you at a checkpoint for a screwdriver. 

4. Choose Your Friends Wisely. Take a look at the high school hierarchy. Drama kids? Too emotional. Sports kids? Too competitive. But prepper kids? These are your friends. I mean, they have been practicing for this very moment for their entire lives. They can kill a zombie in a dozen different ways and they’re experts at stuff like canning. Their basements are stocked like a frigging Wal-Mart and if they like you, they’ll share. Plus they’re all about strength in numbers so they’ll train you in weapons, they’ll teach you how to garden, I am not even joking, and they’ll show you how to tape up your house in in five minutes flat so that poisonous vapors can’t get in. All good skills to have.

5. Pay Attention In Class. Zombies are everywhere, even in biology, so be on the lookout for the signs. That old teacher who is always scratching under his toupee? He’s probably been bitten. The overly enthusiastic teacher who talks a million miles a minute and gives you a quiz every day? Bitten. The super chipper lady in the office who calls everyone hon? Sliding straight into zombieville. See where I’m going with this? The virus takes people’s most obvious traits and amplifies them like a million times. So if your teacher is already insufferable, watch out for the extra. Oh, and this applies to super smart nerdy types who always answer first. And stoners. If the biggest toker in class suddenly gets all motivated, guaranteed it’s not because he’s got a crush on Suzy Ivy League. 

6. Turn Stuff In On Time. This is important. Zombies know how to sniff out weakness better than a basset hound in an airport lounge. Turning your work in late shows a lack of discipline and focus. It says that you are too preoccupied with the impending destruction of life as you know it to tend to the important stuff. So just do this one thing. It will help you stay under the radar and the zombies will ignore you. Plus, discipline, focus, and knowing how to stay under the radar are good skills to have anyway. This is an easy-peasy way to practice them. Boom.

7. A Note On Fashion. I don’t care how style conscious you are, everything you wear must be black. Or camo. You’re going to need to blend in. Your outfit needs to work for you, not against you. So, no platform boots unless you are already a badass. No accessories, nothing dangly. Stick with stretchy, sleek basics that you can move in. And here’s a little tidbit. Camo is always trendy, so hit that Pinterest board and get creative. There are a lot of ways to rock a black/camo combo without sacrificing your personal safety.

8. Don’t get too attached to small, cute, furry animals. I’m just going to leave that one right there.

9. Avoid Cliques. Seriously, you think I’m kidding. Those kids will try any trending hashtag whatever and they stick together. In my high school alone, thirteen cheerleaders drank the koolaid and ended up rampaging the quad at lunch. Teenage zombies are vicious, you guys. Especially the girls. You do not want to encourage them, and you most certainly do not want to be one of them. They all go down together.   

10. Social Media Is Not Your Friend. When the entire planet is in complete and utter chaos, the bean counters like to start counting. Deaths, bites, cases, virus clusters, hospitalizations, survivors. You do not, and I repeat, you do not want to be counted. Because being counted means they can eventually find you, and running around with a giant red target on your back is not a good look.

11. Do Not Tempt Fate. Do not shake your fist at the apocalypse, throw up your hands and yell “Really? What next, apocalypse?” That’s just asking for trouble. I mean, the apocalypse will turn its steely gaze upon your sad mortal being and it will give you what you’re asking for. “How about mutant snakes?” you shout. “Ok, sure,” it will shrug. Before you know it, you’ll be up to your eyeballs in venomous mutant snakes. I am not even kidding.

12. If It’s Popular, Don’t Do It. I know this goes against the high school code, but it will save your bacon. Trends are just distracting, but the basic teenage vices, well, they can be deadly. Smoking, for example. Bad lungs are super bad for endurance running.  Drinking; we all know that drunk people are famous for making really bad choices. And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t do drugs. Aside from the fact that they’ll fry your brain, addicts are low hanging fruit for zombies. So Just Say No. Now, I know it’s tempting to party like it’s 1999 and ignore the speeding freight train of doom coming your way, but don’t do it. If you want to survive, clean living is the way to go.

If you follow these rules and manage to outrun the end of the world, you will find yourself in the unique position of being one of the lucky few who get to choose how things are going to go from here on out. It’s a blank canvas, guys. Civilization is in your hands, and that is hella cool. The playing field is level and everyone a chance to bring something to the table. But don’t be fooled,  it’s a big job. We are working around the clock to give you a society that is fair, stable and pollution free. With tons of jobs, a rock solid economy, great places to live, education, health care, opportunities galore. We're cleaning up the oceans, getting rid of pollution, recreating amazing ecosystems. World Peace is a reality, finally. You’ll never have to write another essay about it. It’s going to be amazing. Seriously. Now it’s up to you, future generations. Don’t screw it up. 

Remi Julian is the Vice President of the United Federation of New States. She is the youngest person ever to hold the office. She serves as the Secretary of Higher Education and is the Worldwide Ambassador for Online Harmony.