The Crash

The saying that blood is thicker than water is a crock. While physiological speaking it is very true, yet when it comes to family at least in my experience it is only true for one, my sister Syd. With five years between us at twenty-one she is working on her masters at Northeastern, that is where I am going. After living in multiple countries throughout the world as well as forty-eight out of the fifty states, they have left again sending me to Syd after what happened with my eyes. Closing them as the plane begins to descend at sixteen I am now an angry teenager.

“Alexa!” I roll my eyes as I hear Syd scream my name across the baggage claim. Even in Logan International she can be heard without any doubt of who it is. I brace myself for the impact of her hug. Feeling my tension release as she hugs me I look into our matching eyes, both blue with flecks of silver and violet bursting throughout like stars beginning to form. She smiles looking me up and down, “What are you now a giant?” ‘I would be five-seven and are you still five-three?’ “Never leave off my quarter inch.” Taking your suitcase she motions towards the pick up and drop off lanes. Raising your eyebrows she laughs, “Jill is making the rounds so that we did not have to pay for parking.” ‘Okay, so you instead are providing more Co2 to the atmosphere adding to the climate crisis as well as the pollution to the city?’ Looking at you she places a hand over her heart mocking that you have wounded her. “You know better than that. Hello, I am on my way to becoming an environmental lawyer. I mean while you will be physically saving them I will be saving them with laws…” ‘On paper which aids their problem.’ Laughing, she runs her hands through sandy blonde hair, “When did you become this person?” Letting out a deep breath you smile softly, ‘Let us go find Jill and your ever so eco friendly car.’ Posing like a superhero she says in a comically deep voice, “Follow me!”

The two bedroom house that all three of you are living in feels more like home than anywhere you have lived in your entire life. Making breakfast Jill walks in inhaling deeply, “Syd told me that we are going to get fat with you living here. I now agree as do my pants.” Smiling you place coffee on the table along with blackberry sage muffins, Italian herb and prosciutto frittatas, shredded hash browns, a mango pineapple pomegranate fruit salad and freshly made oat milk. Walking in Syd gives Jill a quick kiss and then comes over to hug you, “You are going to make us fat.” ‘Hey I will have you both know that all of this is very healthy.’ “What if we go vegan?” The smirk on Syds face has you rolling your eyes as you both sit down, ‘I know your love for cheese so use a threat that is believable next time.’ Shaking your head you all begin to eat, this is home.

Tossing your acceptance letter across the desk you close your eyes as a tear slides down. Wiping it away quickly you hear Syd clear her throat, “You want to talk about it?” ‘Nope.’ Opening your eyes you pick it up and put it back in the beat up leather messenger bag that had traveled the world with you. Sitting down on the bed she turns your chair to face her. “You can still go and be what you have always wanted to be.” ‘And when the lights go out? What then?’ “Not even the doctors know when or if it is going to happen. Do not give up hope on your dream! I mean it Alexa, if you do I am going to kick your ass.” Scoffing you turn standing, ‘Syd a blind wildlife veterinarian can not be done. I have to figure out another dream, a dream that can happen when I go blind.’ “They said it might never happen.” ‘They also said that I would not live to see kindergarten.’ Getting up she places her hands on your shoulders, “You always beat the odds.” Shrugging off her hands you walk away pausing in the doorway, ‘Maybe, just maybe I am tired of beating the odds to live.’ “Alexa…” Holding up a hand you smile softly, ‘I know, I know.’

Moving out here right before the holidays had been nice. It allowed you time to get settled, while getting to know Syd’s partner Jill. It was January now and they were back in class, Syd had an internship with an environmental non profit and you, you were stuck trying to figure out life now that your plans had been shattered. Staring at your laptop you jump as Jill clears her throat, “Syd is going to be late tonight, do you want to order in?” ‘Sounds good.’ “Are you working on homework?” Laughing you shut your computer, ‘Let me guess Syd told you not to ask questions that I would tell you in my own time?’ “Something like that.” Walking over you lean against the doorframe, ‘If we get greek, I might be able to tell you more about why I am here.” The smirk on her face makes you smile as she nods her head, “Greek it is then.”

After Jill pays for the delivery you both go into the living room. Taking the love seat that angles off the couch you open the takeout container on the table. ‘Ask and I will answer.’ Taking a bite you wait as she swallows the food in her mouth. After taking a drink she puts some hummus on pita bread, “What is going on with school?” Swallowing you smile, ‘I graduated early, got sick of the looks and the questions, plus you know blue eyed, fair skinned, young female in a forgien country, well you have to have seen the movies.’ “What were the looks about?” Laughing, you blink back the tears as you look up at the ceiling, ‘My eyes began to hemorrhage right before I turned sixteen. Every other week each eye had laser surgery to stop the bleeding. That happened for three months. They  did physical surgery on my right while I was awake watching it happen. Granted the other side was completely numb but watching, as your eye is getting cut into. The muscles in your eye are as thick as the equivalent of working with wet toilet paper. The rumors run rampant especially when for three days following every laser surgery I had to keep a patch over that eye. Being the new girl in a very small town I did what I needed to do.’ Silence filled the room as you both ate, it was not uncomfortable but you knew more questions were coming. Getting up to get a drink you smile, ‘Do you want something to drink?’ “Sure surprise me.”

Grabbing the container of water from the fridge you take in a few deep breaths. What happened, happened just other things in your life. You have to be calm and unemotional because it is what you were taught to be when things happened in your life. Getting two glasses you walk back into the living room placing it all on the table. Smiling Jill pours you both a glass. “Why come live with us? I mean five other siblings, three of which are far more established, why us?” Rubbing your hands over your face and through your sandy brown hair you shake your head, ‘Syd has always been the one constant through all that has happened in my life, the good and the bad. She is my person in this world and I am lucky enough to call her my sister. No matter what she is my greatest champion and most honest critic. She will fight for me, she will kick my ass when I am being stupid. She is my person, mind you I did not pick you guys. When our parents said that I needed to stay in the states, she is the only one who wanted me. For the others I am simply a burden to bear, plus you know being bi, loving coffee and books and movies that are over the pg-13 rating, being a linerial environmentalist, who respects nature and does not fear it. Who I am is more than anyone should have to handle but Syd she is my balance.’ Letting out a deep breath and sinking back into the couch she smiles, “When are you applying to UMass, the Boston’s and Tufts?” Grinning from ear to ear you pull your container back over, ‘Next week.’

Feeling the weight change on your bed you groan. Rolling over you crack open your eyelids seeing that it is only 5:45 a.m. Closing your eyes again you know who is shaking you, letting out a deep breath keeping your eyes closed you say, ‘Unless it is a fire or some sort of death I am sleeping.’ Feeling the blankets ripped off of you, you curl into yourself. The smell of coffee causes you to open your eyes. Smiling Syd sits down on the edge of your bed, “Get up and get dressed it is St Patrick's Day!” ‘Could you at least pick a fun holiday to be this happy about?’ Slapping your leg lightly she hands you the coffee, “Full Irish breakfast will be waiting and no coffee just tea.” Groaning, you move, dropping your legs over the side of the bed, ‘Give me ten and I will be down.’ “Thank you.” Before you can answer she is already gone, you hear Flogging Molly being broadcast throughout the house. It was going to be a full day.

Leaning back you laugh as Jill and Syd bicker over what the truly best ice cream flavor is. Shaking your head, the smile lighting your face is one of pure happiness. The calm that has taken over inside of you is one that is new and very welcome from the inner turmoil that usually consumes you. Finishing the day this way is freeing. Cleaning up the table you head out to the car the night is crisp but not cold by any means.

Your eyes begin to drift on the way home. It has been a full long day and sleep is calling you. Jill turns as she asks, “Hey do you want to go and look at campuses tomorrow?” Nodding you catch Syd’s eyes in the rearview mirror. You can see the crinkles in the corners of them because of the smile that is on her face. The force of the car hitting yours causes the world to slow. You watch the glass explode on the drivers side as the car flips. You see the airbags burst from the steering wheel and the passenger dash. The seatbelt holding you in place feels like an anaconda squeezing all air from your lungs. Then the world goes dark, stopping all thoughts with the exception of one … Syd.

Blinding light is what your eyes are able to see as you open them. The taste of antiseptic coats your senses as you breath it in. You know the feeling of being in a hospital before you know where you are. Trying to sit up a hand rest on your shoulder lightly holding you in place. Blinking into focus the hand attached to the arm you give Jill a soft smile. Her eyes are red rimmed and the light of love that was once shining from those green pools is now lost. You know the answer before the question is asked and you find yourself fighting back the tears as she nods. Looking up at the ceiling you push everything down. Nodding your voice finally finds the words that need to be spoken, ‘Have my parents been notified?’ “Yes.” ‘Let me guess, it is up to me to handle?’ Reaching out she takes your hand squeezing it softly, “Syd put it in her will that we should handle it together.” ‘Then that is what we shall do.’

Working through the arrangements all you can feel is the emptiness of Syd not being around. What do you do when the brightest star in your night sky finally goes out? What do you do when you lose the light that always brought you home? Gave you hope? What do you do when the one person in this world who believed in you is gone?

Sitting across from you after the service Jill smiles softly, “What did your parents say when they left?” Smiling you blink back the tears, ‘That every choice has a consequence and my selfish choice to come and stay with you guys is the reason Syd died. That maybe me living with the knowledge that I killed her will help me to become a better person. That maybe in time they would be able to love me again since I am the reason they lost the child they loved the most, the child who they were always the proudest of. You know, they told me what I needed to hear.’ “Screw them! Why would they even say that?” Walking over she wraps you in a tight hug. For one moment you let the front drop allowing yourself to mourn the loss of your sister who was always your best friend.

After the sentencing of the drunk driver that hit you, you look at the house that you called home and it is now empty. Looking at Jill she smiles as she places your last bag in the back of your friend Mia’s car. Pulling you to the side she takes in a deep breath, “No matter what happens, if you need me, all you have to do is say the word. We are always going to be family. Syd made sure of that.” Hugging her tight you close your eyes, ‘Blood may be thicker than water. The crash forged our bond as family and it is far stronger than anything known in the universe. No matter what we are in this life together now.’