Never go to a Pirate's funeral

If I had to say anything about us, we were never known to be a scrupulous bunch. So, any number of us for any particular reason could have gutted ole captain Shitbottom, that being said we couldn’t be said not to be full of contradictions.

After 2 weeks without hide nor hair of the captain we’ve all thought’em dead and figured we’d get together and pour one out for ole Shitbottom. Was it suspicious, oh absolutely, was it unusual, without a doubt, but their was 10,000 reasons why this ole pirates wake was called, and most of us figured at least 10,000 of them were on account of the doubloons.

We all gathered at captain favorite haunt the piss bucket in the port out by Nassau… yeah you know the one, and a bigger turn out you wouldn’t have figured. We got all manner of proper knifes men and killers in attendance. More then half of’em I couldn’t place, maybe they served on ships with Ole captain Shitbottom, maybe some of them were just fans of mayhem and wanted a first hand account of the chaos that was bound to unfold afore us, because nearly all pirate funerals ended in more than a few extr’e boys sent for a deep sleep in the locker.

I served with Shitbottom, oh I’d say about 3 years, give some or take some away, and whilst he weren’t the best'a captains, I honestly can’t say he was the worst. I didn’t mind tipping me glass to the ole sea dog.

Amongst the assembled that I can rightly recollect was his dear ole brother Captain Kingston, the hell if I knew if it were his first name or his last, and seeing I didn’t know Shitbottom's god given, I couldn’t get no clues there. Kingston was a man’a muscle and grit, with a jaw stronger then steel, draping himself in the feathers of a raven ‘round his neck. Ole captain Shitbottom on many an occasion called his dear ole brother a good for nothing cutthroat, but for the life'a me I couldn’t tell you if that was meant in love or disgust.

Then you had ole Penelope Jackboot, she was the prettiest whore on this side of the island once, and if you had a throw with the ole girl you best not mention it around the captain ‘cuz he’d gut you for saying so. After she took a musket ball to the face, she weren’t so pretty no more, and she managed to somehow wrangle herself up a crew an' cut a name for ‘erself pirating.

A man of mystery with a galleon flying no flag pulled into port that has all the crows cawing. I’m laying eyes on the man in this very tavern, but he’s hard to figure wearing the black cloak and hood, for all I know he’s the shifty sonabitch that done did him in.

Also amongst the proceeding is first Mate Ajha, who’s now been the acting captain by default for the past few weeks. If anyone were the one that had the most time and opportunity to have done it it’d be him. Ole Shitbottom, Ajha and 2 others made for an island on a dinghy for who knew what or why. Then a day later Ajha came back and neither Pete, Winston Blockhead, nor captain Shitbottom returned. He sure as shit had a story for us, but Ajha ain’t no storyteller and none of the details matched up. There weren’t no body and ain’t nobody seen’t it, so I guess if’in he done did it he got away with it.

The proceedings proper started, which just meant instead of drinkin’ and cussin’, we said a few words. Captain Ajha started with a raised tankard to ole captain Shit bottom, and it was followed by a hey ho by the assembled congregation of crew, drunks, and strangers alike. Ajha led the mob in a sea shanty that shook the rafters.

“Pour one out for dear ole Shitbottom”, Ajha said in his base filled voice. “Alright now, I have to say some words”, said Ajha, and the whispers and wails receded but you couldn’t stop the flappin’ of gums completely… well. He fired a shot and all lips clamped shut tight as a rusty trap.

“I was Shitbottom's first mate the better part’a 5 years. Was he a just man, I don’t know, was he a fair man? … when it suit him I suppose. He broke me outta chains in Haiti, so whatever he was, he was a good man to me”. Captain Kingston cut in rather sharply, “then why’d you kill’em then”. I took a step back and sank into a shady spot when the sound of blunderbuss hammers clicked back.

“I didn’t kill’em…”, said Ajha. “Kill’em, stranded him, alls I know is my brotha ain’t coming back”, Kingston proclaimed. Penelope hopped on a table and took the floor, “We all know why you did it, you buried the haul from the East Indian job until you knew the heat was off. If anyone’s got a claim to that booty it’s me, I laid under his ass for years, I’m more a wife to him then some might get”. “Don’t matter who’s legs he crawled from up under if anyone gets that money it goes to his brother, I lost me brother”. “You didn’t even like’em and he hated you, you get shit… you’re entitled to shit, though their ain’t shit to be had unless you wanna make a claim for our old tub and I can point to 20 men that would tell you different”. The crew all roared in approval, though Kingston’s crew was just as tenacious and willing to slit a throat as any.

I was certain this would end with several bodies dumped in the deep. “I can make the claim that I loved him, can’t none’a you”, said Penelope. “Oh get off it Penelope, nobody loved Shit bottom, not even our own mudder’”, said Kingston. Ole Shitbottom’s crusty drunken mother yelled from the back of the room with a raised tankard, “Ye got that right”, she bellowed, grabbing a howl from the mob.

“Only one that can make the claim of love is this filthy beast”, said Ajha who brandished Tinker's cage, the little monkey that couldn’t be pulled from the captain’s side. He was an ill-mannered little shit that didn’t love nobody but Shitbottom. “If you wanna take this off our hands feel free, and don’t speak no more of loot that ain’t there, cause if’in it was we would have spent it by now”, said Ahja.

“I’m thinkin’ you must know, you were the last to see’em breathing”, said Kingston. Ajha said back, “I’m thinking it’s her that done did it. He prolly was whispering secrets to ‘er whilst between her legs and she got wise. I wouldn’t be surprised if’n he was aboard her ship right now, either in chains of pain… or pleasure, until she got it outta him”.

“Oh that’s quite enough from the lot of you”, said the man in black with a prim and proper way of speaking, but it was the accent from the click of the blunderbuss under his cloak that drew the most attention. “I am Sir Dudley Longbottom, and by order of the East India trading company under the behest of her majesty the queen I hereby place you under arrest".

All the pirate pistols which were once pointed at each other now clicked and pointed at this dandy boy in the tri fold hat. “You may shoot me, but I assure you that you will not survive this, for my men are outside and have the place surrounded”, said Dudley. “If’n you heard us, then you know we didn’t have nothing to do with anything”, said Ajha. “Oh quite the contrary my good man you all but implicated yourself in the procurement of ill-gotten goods, whether you can produce the spoils are irrelevant, but if you could, perhaps the queen may show you leniency”. “You heard the man, which one’a you salty sea dogs know something, lest we all be swingin from the gallows”, said Kingston.

Now you see I’m just a lowly deck hand, not exceptional or special in any way that matters, but I did know a thing that it seemed none of’em knew, and if’in it was gonna save me from the rope I suppose I wasn’t gonna keep it to me’self. I slinked out of the shadows and presented me’self, pushing a few of the angry muzzles pointing my direction away from my person.

“I know you sir”, I sez to the man in black. “I can assure you that you don’t”, Sir Dudley explained. “Nawh nawh, I knows you I’m sure of it”, I says'. I could sorta tell he recognized me too from the look on ‘is face. “You knew the captain… oh yeah you knew ‘im”, I said. “Swiggy what are you on about?”, said Ajha. Swiggy being what the crew took to callin' me.

“ ‘Member when we were up in Portugal, 'member that. Captain Shitbottom took me and Bad feet to the main land wit' ‘im, to watch his back. Said he had a rendezvous and wanted to make sure it went the right way. I seen’t him and the captain hobnobbing at the market, then I…”, I didn’t wanna say no more and wish I didn’t stop so abrupt cuzz of course they wanted to hear the whole thing.

“What else” Penelope insisted. “No… that was it”, I say. Well when I heard her cock the hammer back on her blunderbuss I got a bit more chatty. “After them two talked for a moment, I seen’em holding hands and he pecked him on his cheek”. “Like a lady?”, said Kingston. “Would I make something up like that with a gun in me face?”, I said.

All eyes visibly darted back to the man in black so fast you could feel a rush of air follow it. “You are mistaken sir, I do not know you”, said Dudley. Captain Ajha pointed to Muntu and told him, “You… go take a peek outside… see if’n he has any men out there”. The fact that Dudley just let it happen didn’t instill fear in anyone.

We all waited awkwardly in a standoff, the only thing we could hear was the agitated squealing of that annoying monkey. I thought I might break up the tension, “I spy somethin’ red…”. Bill Bluey blurted out, he being a sucker for games, “Ahja’s Fez”. “Your brains on the floor if’n you don’t shut the fuck up”, Ahja said to me. “Brains ain’t red captain, they more like pinkish grey-like …”, said Bill who was cut short by 100 accusin’ eyes.

Muntu came back into the room all in a huff, “He doesn’t have more then a handful of men, we could take them”. “Why would you come so light into a den of thieves, law enforcer or not, when you knew we’d call your bluff. Could it be you were fuckin’ my man?”, Penelope said to Dudley. I seen’t his top lip quiver like a leaf in fall afore he blurted, “You didn’t love him as I did. It’s only right I get back what he stole, I would be the queen's right hand if I were to perform such a miracle”.

“Well look who’s a low down and dirty thief just like the rest of us”, said captain Kingston. “This don’t get us no closer to that gold, the only way we gets any closer is to figure out where it is, if’n he’s dead or not, and the only one who really knows that for sure, is his first mate”, said Penelope.

All eyes darted back to Ajha. “Tells us what ye’ know or god help me, I’ll kill you and anyone who sails on your god forsaken tub”, Kingston threatened. Ajha looked away before sayin’ what he said, “Me, captain ShitBottom, and a few others sailed out to an island. I thought it was to dig up treasure we took, our boats been riding low too damaged from battle, I figure she ain’t got much time left. Me and the crew had been hurting lately, it was lean times out there, so I tried to force Captain ShitBottom to tell me where the gold was so that me and the crew could get paid like we were meant to”.

Ajha looked at the monkey, Tinker. “But this shit heel hopped off his shoulder and distracted me, the captain shot Pete, Winston Blockhead, and nearly got me. I managed to put a musket ball in his gut, and don’t nobody walk away from that. He ran off to the water and I headed back”.

“So don’t nobody know where he put it”, said Kingston in defeat. “Looks that way”, Penelope said. “Well the least we could do for ole ShitBottom is send his friend to the locker to join him”, said Ajha looking to that blasted monkey.

Nobody liked that damn monkey, and everyone was wanting some sort of closure, so at the time gutting the little bastard seemed like the way to soothe the bloodthirsty mob. Everyone howled in triumph when Ajha floated the idea of killing Tinker. I must admit it weren’t no love lost between us and I’d rather see him dead then get hit by another piece of that little monkey’s shit.

Ajha pointed his blunderbuss at Tinker's cage and the crowd roared so loud I couldn’t even hear me’self think. Suddenly, before Ajha pulled the trigger a musket fired and struck Ajha dead. He fell over the cage and Tinker ran free when the lock broke.

A man in the crowd, heavy scar, crooked nose, and hair that grew wild stood in the middle of the bar with the smoking gun. I reached for my pick sticker and the crew all went for what they had on them. In that split second little Tinker ran straight for the stranger, went up his leg and sat on his shoulder. The ugly pirate pulled his nose away, took his hat of hair off, and I’d be damned if it weren’t ole captain Shitbottom hisself.

“Rumors of my death were quite exaggerated”, ole Shit Bottom said. The crew and everyone else stayed their weapons whilst he spoke. “I was laying low, waiting to see who was loyal and who wasn’t, and after this display I can see it wasn’t never none of you”, said ole Shitbottom.

“Then on top of it all you all tried to kills me Monkey… for shame”, said ShitBottom giving Tinker a red grape. He let out a deep sigh, “If you really wanna know where I buried the treasure I’ll tell ya. The treasure was buried in your hearts, and in the friends we made along the way…”, Ole Shit Bottom said but couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “Oh hell, I’m fuckin wit’ ya. I spent it all on these gold teeth, a new ship, and even gots me a new crew. Now I can’t say that my new crew is less money grubbing then you lot, but I can say this… they’re a lot better shots”.

After he said what he said, that’s when all hell broke loose. Gunfire rang out and strangers popped up shooting people in the back. Penelope got hit 3, 4 time and went spinning over the bar. ShitBottom done in his brother his’self.

In a blink, through the smokey haze wasn’t nobody left standing but ShitBottom, his new crew, the tavern keepers, and me’self who was under a table when the bullets flew. Ole Shitbottom saw me cowering and looked to me. “Swiggy is that you?”. “It’s me captain”, I says. He pointed a pistol in my face. “Wait, hold on, I was loyal, I didn’t never say a bad word about you, and I didn’t raise no hand to you”, I said.

Captain ShitBottom tilted his head in thought, as if weighing my deeds against what he could recollect. “Maybe you didn’t, but still...”, captain Shitbottom pulled the trigger and laid me down, and this was why you never went to a pirate’s funeral.