The Smell Of Rain

What date is today? do I want to know?. As the smell of petrichor came in through the window of the kitchen, I noticed spring had come and the restaurant was more crowded than usual. I was overwhelmed by the sound of family members from the table in front of me fighting for who got the biggest slice of pizza, adults celebrating another year of someone’s life while pounding on the table, teenagers experiencing love for the first time, getting the most affordable food of the restaurant, and contemplating the sound of the noisy crickets coming from the outside of the foggy windows colored by the blurry lights racing across the rain. The season has changed, but I stayed the same and every day was the same, even though it felt like the last one.

Today is June 11th, 2018. No, actually, I know that’s not the real date, spring has come, the biggest incident in my life was in summer 2018, now, maybe more than 3 months have passed, amazing. They say I’ve got to move on, I’m actually trying, and have been looking for a new job since yesterday, something that matches my music career in any way, but still, something doesn’t feel okay. I’m 25 years old, young and experienced, but I don’t think they might hire me as I only worked in restaurants and recently graduated from university. Now that I think about it, how long has it been since then?, I remember going back home and seeing Olivia, so a lot of time should have passed.

I recall her being in front of the door, opening it as soon as I unlocked it to come in, her face was priceless, full of tears, you might not believe me, but she was the strongest woman I’ve ever met in my life, after my mom of course, seeing her crying her heart out for something so meaningless as not being able to come to my graduation ceremony due to her exams was surprising, I couldn’t help but think I knew nothing about her, and that new phases were yet to come, I couldn’t wait to know them all. Last thing I remember from that day was me petting her long hair as I didn’t want her to feel sad, because I didn’t mind her not coming to my ceremony, I was a simple man, “Remember Olivia, life is only lived once, worrying about things in the past is meaningless, let’s just move on,”.

I’m getting too carried away with the story, well, to sum up, I’m a plain man, never the extroverted type, never had a tragic past, quite the opposite, I had a caring and loving family, I knew it because I could compare it with all my friends’ dysfunctional families and their emotional disasters, I had none. I also had relatively good grades, not the best of my class of course, but I wasn’t pressured either, only to not fail. I never had a girlfriend in my life, until I was 22, and wasn't interested in one either. It wasn’t until September 22th, 2016 that I met Olivia, the best person that ever came to my life, to complement me. What I loved about her the most was that, when I was 22 I had a hard time organizing for my job and going to college at the same time, I applied for that job because I wanted to feel independent, even though my family never had money issues and she was always really supportive.

We would have arguments about me coming back home too late as I worked for extra hours but only small quarrels, it never turned into anything bigger. She always gave me space, and I gave her hers, something like a mature relationship at the age of 22, and she was 21, crazy right?. I would rush from work to see her at home and spend time with her. We met as I was coming out of work and the breeze of the air was brushing my hair backwards, I was already too tired and wanted to go home, then this woman approached me out of the blue saying she liked my shoes, that they looked so vintage and that she wanted a pair like mine, I was too tired at that time but I remember I laughed myself silly because they were not vintage, they were just the old shoes my grandpa gave my father, I accidentally took them to my apartment and I happened to put them on as I ran late and didn’t remember where I left my other pair of shoes.

Later we started talking as we compared our feet and noticed we had the same size, which was so surprising because I didn’t know any woman with the same size of shoes as me. Talking with her was really relaxing and the moths around the closest lamppost of the time might have spun more than three hundred times around it because we were talking non stop, we went from clothes, to complain about society, then, don’t ask me why, we started talking about how hedgehogs were the best pets to exist. After I left I took her number, I fell in love with her and we became a couple, and it was hard, because in all that process I started doubting my self image, asking if she really liked me back or if she was just one of those extroverted people that got close to anyone all of a sudden, I was so naive that I got so excited when she ended up confessing her love to me, I didn’t believe it, I was shocked, in the same spot we met at the first time, full of lampposts, a bricked floor, and a really beautiful lagoon that captivated the emotions of the moon. Note, later then, she told me that she was interested in me since the beginning and talking about my vintage shoes was an excuse.

One day, the worst day of my life came, a day that will only repeat itself over and over, a day that had many alternative endings, but I couldn't unlock any of them, a day, without an end. On June 11th, 2019, I remember going to work, and she was going to meet some friends of hers. I wanted to take her to the friend’s house by the same cab because it was too far away and didn’t want her to waste money, but she insisted she didn’t want to waste any time as it was urgent. I just went to work, relaxed, and worked until it was time to eat for me. I thought that maybe it wasn't urgent that she wanted to see her friend, maybe she just wanted to have fun and hang out, or maybe wanted to stay away from me, whatever it was, I didn't judge her, we had a discussion earlier because I left some cake outside the fridge for a whole night, maybe she was mad because of that, her face was pretty serious, I hope her friend is okay, all these thoughts came into my head. As I prepared my dinner I had a weird gut feeling, I still can’t explain what it was, but I suddenly missed her so much, this week we couldn’t have time to ourselves and she was also having a hard time because she was struggling with debts, I also didn't want her friend to overwhelm her so I decided to give her a call to see if she was okay, hear her sweet high pitched voice, at least feel her smile through the phone. I proceeded to take action, the phone was ringing for a while, and she took a lot of time to pick it up, I thought she was really having a fun time with her friend , finally after three calls she picked up.

As soon as I asked how everything was, my heart stopped, not because she was cute, not because I loved her so much, it stopped because what I heard in the phone wasn’t her, it was someone else.

- “Are you a relative from Olivia?”, A man asked with a serious raspy voice. 

That question, I’ve seen it in movies countless times, could imagine what he was going to say next. I didn’t have words to answer, to describe my situation with Olivia, I’m not a relative, I’m just her boyfriend, did I just say just? I hope they are not bad news. 

-“Yes”, I answered briefly.

-“I’m afraid to say that Olivia is not here with us anymore, a car crashed into the cab she was in and her pulse is not responding well”, the man said it in such a cold tone, as if he was so used to this kind of situation, or maybe I'm just dehumanizing him, not shocked at all, but I couldn’t blame him, he didn’t know how incredible Olivia was. My response was indifferent, I didn’t feel anything, I felt like a knife stabbed me directly in my heart arteries and I couldn’t feel pain, was it because I was used to seeing my grandparents die?, my pets in the past?, why, why am I not responding? I asked myself.

A car accident, the most common way to die, I couldn’t believe it, I actually didn’t, I wanted to feel like it was a prank done by someone, I wouldn’t blame that person or judge it if it really was a prank, right now, I just wanted to see Olivia smile again. I rushed quickly to see what happened, and I saw her with my own eyes, her mother holding her cold yellowish hand, the way she looked like she wasn’t holding my girlfriend, but a doll, a doll with soft cold rubber skin, and shiny plastic hair. I didn’t cry, my tears were frozen by the shock of the moment, she was not the Olivia I met, with 23 years old, so young, yet so mature, so smart yet so fun, and also so beautiful, the same girl that studied marketing and created me a customer necessity by me needing her every single day. I started caressing her hair, petting it as the day I came home and she was crying because she couldn’t go to my graduation ceremony just a couple of months ago.

Olivia, that same girl that took great care of herself, ate well, never missed her appointments and slept well. It felt so unreal as she was with me a couple of hours ago, I saw her smile a couple of hours ago, and now that I see her, it looked like her soul was swept away from her body, and her face was so different, an expression I’ve never seen before. More family members started coming, everybody was crying, except me. I swear I just wished Olivia would come back to life all of a sudden like one of those weird cases you see on the internet, but she didn’t, and I had to face the reality as she was being buried and her closest family members were choking in their tears, there was no coming back. I felt like my reality was rushed, like my life didn’t have a purpose as I shared the same destiny, I was so confused about what happened, it felt like a nightmare, I remember constantly questioning myself if what happened was real, but it lasted so long that it couldn't be real. part of me wanted to see her again, part of me wanted to share my feelings with her, but she was not there, who could I talk to?, even so, I couldn't help but criticize myself for being so naive, I thought she would die old, when we had our children, after they all went to college, after we could tell them our story, why did this happen to me?, only me...

Every day I would come home, prepare double meals, and cry because I knew there was nobody else home, that is were I noticed every single thing I did, I did it with her, my coping mechanisms were watching series, but doing it reminded me of how I never missed from watching a single series with her, even when I used to sing, she loved to hear me singing and would start humming recent songs I would create to support me. I was planning on quitting my job way before her situation but didn’t have the energy this time, I wasn't prepared for another change in my life, I stopped caring about time and wished I could force Olivia to come to the cab with me so she wouldn’t die, always regretting. Every day was June the 11th, but it was difficult as the seasons changed and felt like time was also telling me to move on, everybody around me was, except me. Even her family was giving me the cold shoulder, like I couldn’t feel as much pain as them because she was only my girlfriend, nothing else.

I’m here again, in the cashier, back to the present, packing all my things up, cleaning the restaurant. As I remembered Olivia I decided to go to the same spot we met at the first time as it stopped raining. Going there made me think of how useless I was, and started crying my eyes out. I was on the bench staring at the lampposts while remembering everything, I already went through all the five phases of grief, why am I like this again?. As I noticed a girl approached me and gave me a tissue I thanked her, and she nodded.

-”Seeing you crying like that reminded me of my students.”, she said while sitting next to me. 

-”Sorry, I usually don’t cry in public spaces.”, I said embarrassed.

She looked relatively young, like she was in her thirties and was looking at me with a face of kindness and lovingness. 

-“I can assume you are grieving", she said.

-"Good guess", I said coldly. Is she trying to flirt with me at a time like this?.

-"Something serious must have happened, seeing someone your age, so destroyed is not so likely these days.”, she said.

-“Yeah”, I said again.

“Even the brightest objects don’t last forever, and we learn that not only we can be greedy for money, but for time, still, no matter in which stage of your life you lose it, there’ll always be sadness if we don’t understand that concept, even guilt and feeling remorseful is a huge weight for you”, she said.

-“What’s your name?”, I asked her.

“-Lynda”, she said.

-“Lynda, you are interestingly wise, but now it is not the moment.”, I said on a whim.

-“Well, to you I’m only a stranger you just met, the only thing in game is my first impression, but we probably won’t see each other again, and my words are the same conclusion you will come up with, with time, I’m just speeding the process, we are always sad because in one way or another we lose something we were so attached to.”, she said.

-“You are right, thanks.”, I said as I stopped crying and no tears were left in my eyes, only the remains in my face.

-“It’s thanks to literature”, she smiled.

-“I can see you are a really caring literature teacher”, I said awkwardly as I don’t know how to deal with strangers, specially weird ones that didn't know how to mind their own business.

-”It is because I have caring students, wait, how did you know I was a literature teacher?”, she said sarcastically.

I didn’t know what to say, and eventually her voice faded into silence.

-“By the way, what is your name?”, she asked me.

-“Conall”, I said.

Her eyes lit, and she stood up looking kind of cool with the natural light of the moon.

-”Connal, your name means you are as strong as a wolf.”, she said.

-“Cool, I guess literature is interesting”, I said awkwardly as hell.

-“No, actually, my great great grandfather was named like that, and my mom always bragged about it.”, she said.

The vibe with this person was different than with Olivia, she was also clumsy as hell, but carefree, still, I shouldn't be comparing them. She started talking to me about her students and it felt like time was still, she rattled about how they all were so different and sometimes rude teenagers, but she always tried to understand them, and she loved them as her own children. Then she told about her career, we moved to other topics and it felt friendly and natural as minutes passed, I could also be integrated to the conversation, not the kind of topics that I was interested in but I was invested. how do I always attract extroverted people to me?.

Over the time I stopped listening to her and started reflecting on my last experiences, how I needed a goal, how I started being so dependent, how everybody else started to move on, and what I told Olivia just a couple of months ago. “Remember Olivia, life is only lived once, worrying about things in the past is meaningless, let’s just move on”. damn, moving on seems really painful, my body aches, my feet seem cut off, how can I move one?, how can I force it?.

Of course I couldn’t forget Olivia, I felt like I was drowning inside a big glass of water where everything outside was a war zone, where my life didn’t have another route, I felt like my skin was made of paper and my mind of stones, that I drowned more and more as I started crying, as I wanted to hold her at night even though she wasn’t there. But I loved Olivia, this is the least I could do for her, probably right now, with her clumsiness she wouldn’t even know she was dead, and wanting more time with her was denying I had a really good past with her and it didn’t end on bad terms.

-”Lynda, can I ask you something?”, I asked her.

-“Sure! though, you are doing it already”, she said.

-“Are there any vacant spots in your school, for like, a music teacher?”, I said.

She started thinking for a while while humming, then she smiled with happiness. 

-“Probably! we have a new kindergarten opening for our school so you can see if you can start as a music teacher there, give me your number and I’ll give you all the data so you can explore it more seriously”, she said in a calming tone.

We exchanged numbers, something normal, but this time it felt different, the same spot I met Olivia, the same starry sky, but a different season, and a different year, here I was, trying to move on, almost a year later. After I exchanged numbers with Lynda she started leaving as it was getting too late.

-”Other thing Lynda”, I said.

-“Yes?”, she asked.

-“What date is today?”, I asked for the first time in a while.

“March 16th, 2019”, she responded.