A big city, my entire family, yet still alone. A job, an education, part way through a degree, yet still alone. Some friends, parties, messages all the time, yet still...alone.
I need to understand this, I don't want to be alone anymore, alone sucks.
Let's back track...
Ten years ago, I was a shy 11 year old, with some friends, just letting life go on, and enjoying school. I can't say I was the happiest child, but I wasn't depressed or anything, well, not yet anyways. Growing up in the city was fun, all the noise and busy streets, so many shops, and endless food options too. When I was twelve, my parents separated. I didn't really care, I wasn't close to either of them, and figured it'd be fun to have two houses. It wasn't. I hated being between houses. My dad moved to a different big city, I enjoyed the train ride there, but that was all, after that I just wanted to go back home with my mum, where I was more often, not because I wanted to be with her, but simply because I didn't want to be with him.
When I was thirteen we moved to a new city apartment, cause my mum couldn't handle being in the house that she lived in with my dad. It was a nice apartment, not far from the previous one, so I knew the streets and the people and the shops, and I didn't have to change schools.
I got depression at 14. Whether it was my hormones or a seriously delayed reaction to the changes in my life, I don't know. I began to notice how alone I was. People weren't there for me. People didn't notice me. I got pushed around and shut down and left. They always assumed I would be fine, and so I always acted as thought they were right.
I got a job, and I dedicated myself to my education. I still went out, saw friends, went shopping, and ate out. Though I started to feel alone.
How, across two busy cities, and with such a busy life, could I feel so alone?
As time went on, I got a new job, I finished school, we moved two move times, I got two new jobs, and I entered tertiary education. I made new friends, I went out more often, and still focused on my studies. Yet, I still felt alone.
No one has been able to make me feel less alone. No friends, family, or relationships.
I saw friends and family all the time. We celebrated together, we went out to dinners, social events, and connected over social media when we were busy. Yet, I still felt alone.
Now I have one of the same jobs as before, I quit one as the people there weren't nice. I really love my job, the atmosphere and sense of community there are strong and positive. I work with kids. I feel less alone around kids, as they always want to tell you things and ask you interesting questions. They look up to you too, which makes me feel good. Though this feeling only lasts when I'm at work. Once I leave, it's back again. I'm lonely again.
I'm lonely at home, when my family is home, and others are visiting.
I'm lonely when with friends, at their houses, at mine, at university, at the shops, or out elsewhere such as for food.
I'm lonely with my partner. It's not their fault though, they try hard to engage with me.
I'm lonely when I'm out shopping by myself, in the busy streets and crowded places, always seeing people I know, saying hi, and stopping to talk for a while.
I'm lonely at university, despite my lecturers, friends, groups members, and other people I know who speak to me.
I'm lonely on social media, despite the messages I get from at least 50 different people a day. Family and friends always message me, and I message them too. It doesn't change anything though.
I don't know if or when this will change. I don't know if I'll stop feeling lonely, or if I'll feel lonely forever.
I dress similar to those around me, but not the same. They all have new clothes, the ones in fashion, whereas I have been wearing the same black t-shirt, blue jeans, an open checked shirt with the buttons undone, and black lace up boots for years. Not because I can't afford anything else, but because I dress in what I'm comfortable in, and don't care much for fashion and expensive clothing.
I also don't go get my hair done or dyed or cut in stand-out ways. Instead I just brush it, keep it clean, let it grow, and get it cut a bit shorter when I feel like it's too long.
Make up is a thing of the past too. I experimented with it as a teen, but I don't care for it now, I'd rather sleep in.
I wonder if any of those are reasons I don't feel as though I fit in. Maybe I am lonely because I'm different. Maybe I'm outdated.
Though I don't feel any pressure to change who I am. I don't feel in any way influenced to be like everyone else. I feel separated from the world in a different way. I feel alone despite being physically present, despite my busy life, despite my wonderful job, despite my friends and colleagues, despite my big family, and despite all of the social connections I have. I am alone in my head. I wonder if I'm alone in feeling alone too.
The big city seems to have a way of blending you in with the rest of the croud, yet making you feel so different, like an outcast in a world where literally everyone else fits in but you. Maybe I'll never know why I feel so alone, maybe I have to accept it, maybe it's just me.
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