Say Something

You’d known him for years. YEARS. Since the summer just before high school.

And you’ve loved him for most of that time. And yet… he walked away from you. Over 20 years ago. A lifetime. But gazing into those whiskey colored eyes today, none of it mattered. The heart ache. The years apart. All the time dreaming of what might have been.

But now. Now you’re standing before him for the first time in what felt like forever. Close enough to  detect a citrus scent in the warm smell of beer on his breath as he sighed a surprised “hello” when you wrapped your arms around his waist to greet him with a hug. And his voice… The distinctive timbre of his voice resonated through you like it always had. Just his presence stirred a fire in your soul.

But… What to say? The words that have been bursting from your soul for decades now - you’ve said them all a thousand times over in your head. In your dreams. To your dog. Into your pillow as the tears watered your face. But to say them to him? Now? Face to face? You just don’t know if you have it in you. But you’re also certain that you’re going to.

What kind of reaction would you even expect? After all this time? He made it clear where he stood when he sent you away. But had the passage of time made any difference? Would he simply turn and walk away again? Or was there a chance? Even the slightest chance… that he felt the same?

“Just say it…” you think silently to yourself. “This might be your ONLY chance. Ever. Say it now or you WILL live to regret it. Every day.” And so, taking a deep breath, remembering that no matter his reaction, you need to finally say the words. You steel yourself for his response, and speak.

“Do you have a bit?” you ask. Almost hoping he’ll say no, now that you’ve committed to the course.

“Of course!” he answers, with a look of curiosity and a hint of caution. “Pull up a stool! I’ll buy you a beer.”

You settle in next to him at the bar and let him order something for you. Doesn’t even matter what. You’ll drink anything they set in front of you this evening. You’re trembling… but manage to hide the vibrato that threatens your voice as the two of you make casual small-talk. All the normal catch-up chatter shared between long-separated friends. But this feels right. The moment is coming.

“Ok,” he finally says, with trepidation in his voice. “What? I see it in your eyes. What is it that’s eating at you?”

Deep. Breath.

You. Can. Say. This.

“I… well. There is no easy way to say this, really. And I did not really intend to do this tonight, but since we’re here, I’m just going to come right out with it. I know it’s been forever… but I can no longer NOT say this. All those years ago. When we were… us? That time was the happiest I have ever been. Ever. You – you were IT for me. Nothing can touch what we had. I – I love you. I have always loved you. I have never stopped loving you. And I will ALWAYS love you.”

The words hang in the air between you. You can almost see them lingering in the tension like a cloud of sweet-smelling cigar smoke, hovering just above the bar. And in his eyes, there is a look of disbelief. He is struggling to process everything you just said. Clearly, this was not at all what he was anticipating. And he is not sure what to make of it.

The silence stretches for what feels like hours, as he just… stares.

Moments pass. And finally.

“I’m sorry… Did you really just say what I heard you say?”

“I did. And I meant every word. I’ve said them to you 1000 times over in my head through the years. And now, given this chance, it was simply impossible for me to not actually say them to you. I HAD to tell you.”

Following a long, agonizingly slow draw on his beer, he inhales deeply.

“That… is not at all what I was expecting you to say. Not. At. All.”

At this point, all you can do is wait. You have said everything there is and have nothing left.

His eyes turn to meet yours, and you see the doubt. “All this time? Really?”

“Every minute. Of every day. Of the last 22 years. I have loved you.”

“Wow. And I almost didn’t even wave when I saw you walk in. I didn’t think you’d want to see me. I truly thought you hated me. After what I did…”

“No. Never. Not for a day. My heart was broken, yes. But not a day has gone by that I did not love you with everything I have.”

“I’m… well, I’m speechless really. Not sure exactly what to say. But, I never stopped loving you either.”

Your conversation grows and that first beer becomes a second. And then a third. You stay, rehashing it all, until night has fallen and the bartender announces last call. The degree of miscommunication that happened all those years ago is truly astounding. To the both of you. You actually laugh when you lose count of the number of times one of you says “If only I had known…”

But now… where to go from here? That really is the question. You cannot travel back in time and course correct where you both went so badly wrong. There are other lives now in the equation that must be considered.

But forward. Together. That is the only option.

What that will look like? You are not at all certain. But one thing you know without question. From this moment on – everything will be measured around this night. This is the dividing line. Your lives have just irrevocably shifted and merged.

Separating your souls from one another after this? No. Not even a possibility.

Will you ever look back and wish you had kept silent? Should you have just shared a beer, caught up with a friend, and walked away again? No. He is all you ever wanted. The only one you ever loved. And there was really no choice but to just say what had to be said. The words that were devouring your soul. Never again will you be left to wonder…