Signed, Sealed, Delivered...and Destroyed(?!)

D​ear Hal,

Y​our message in the space bottle was received. We here on the planet Kabangers are overjoyed. We have speculated for centuries the existence of other life in the cosmos, and now we are holding in our hands the proof that we have always longed for and desired.  

I​n our great wisdom, we have decided to communicate with you in the same way you have reached out to us. Therefore, we are sending this message back to you in the same space bottle that you so graciously sent our way. We hope that is to your liking.

I​n case you are wondering, we have also, in our vast, vast wisdom, decided to answer a few questions we thought you might have.  

For example, you may be wondering how we are communicating in your language.  

To do this, we analyzed your note and extrapolated the information you provided, placing it carefully into our array of what we imagine you might call 'computers.' (We don't actually call them by that rudimentary word, but we understand that you and your kind may not be as advanced as we are.) I must tell you that we were thrilled to see that you thoughtfully included your alphabet, your coordinates, some writing examples, and even something called 'cat videos' that we are still examining.  

In any case, we then used our translation programs and 'voila' as you might say, here we are communicating like champs!

Y​ou may also be wondering how we found your space bottle. We were exploring our local space, using our drone ships to search for radiation packets, as we often do, and we came across your primitive form of communication. Our drone ships, in full obedience, reached out to us first before applying disintegration, which was a good thing. When we saw the bottle, we immediately gave clear orders to scoop it up and return it to us right away!

At any rate, I will end this communication here. We are returning your bottle via wormhole so you can see our response immediately. We will leave the wormhole open in hopes that your limited intellect can figure out how to return an answer to us quickly.

Sincerely,

T​he Kabangers Team

*​***

D​ear Kabangers Team,

Firstly, thank you so much for reaching out! We humans have also speculated for centuries if there truly was life on other planets, and now, with your amazing response, we know for sure!

W​e wanted to also let you know how much we appreciate the information you shared and your amazing attempt to answer questions that we didn't even ask! We love that!

W​ith that in mind, we would like to know so much more about you. Like, for example, when you say, 'disintegration', how do you mean that exactly? Like, how would that be done?

A​lso, by any chance, do you guys breathe oxygen...and is there an abundance of water on your planet? Just wondering, because on our planet we had, er, excuse me, we have, both in great supply, and we're pretty sure that we are the only ones with it. As you can imagine, our planet is extremely unique, beautiful, and now that we know other lifeforms exist in the cosmos, also the envy of the galaxy.  

O​h, and by the way, thank you for leaving the wormhole open. We appreciate that also!

Sincerely,

H​al

*​***

D​ear Hal,

Only ones with oxygen and water?! Our science lab had what you would call a 'good laugh' about that. We are literally swimming in an abundance of crystal-clear water. Also, our oxygen rich atmosphere is the delight of the Kabangers community! We could seriously not live without it.

W​hile your primitive mind may not be able to grasp this, it is not your planet that is the envy of the galaxy, it is ours. Granted, we have never seen your planet, nor care to, but it is with our superior intellect and wisdom that we have come to this conclusion. After all, we here on Kabangers enjoy beautiful continents, rich and fertile farmland, and an abundance of food. We are confident that there is nothing like it anywhere.

A​s far as disintegration goes, we are not at all surprised by your questions surrounding it. We understand small minds like yours would naturally be amazed at our advanced intelligence. Our drones are equipped with 'molecular ion atomizers'. This description is a poor one. However, your rudimentary language does not allow another way to describe this major technological advancement.  

In any case, atomizers have the ability to break down any known substance into their molecular level parts, thus utterly destroying its integrity and 'disintegrating' it. Atomizers are an integral part of a drone's composition.

N​ow, it is time for a question from us.

These creatures that you refer to as cats...it seems they are fascinated by laser pointers, no? 

We need to understand...are those lasers set for the cat's destruction...or are the cats impervious to the laser's harm? We are greatly interested in the answer. 

You see, nothing on our planet can withstand the outright beam of a laser. Nothing. Not even our drones. So, if your cats are impervious, we would love the opportunity to study them.

Sincerely,

T​he Kabangers Team

*​***

D​ear Kabangers Team,

W​e primitive and of low intellect humans are simply amazed at the answers you have provided. We truly wish to know more!

N​ow, when you say 'beautiful continents, rich and fertile farmland, and an abundance of food,' is that planet wide? Like, every continent?  

Also, we see that you included 'fertile farmland' in that description, so does this mean you have plant life? Like, vegetation. We are providing pictures of what we call 'produce' of all kinds and varieties. We are including pictures of vegetables, fruits, trees, plants, and even something we like to call, 'cash crops', such as tobacco and hemp.  

Please, at your earliest convenience, study these photos and get back with us. We are enjoying communicating with such vast intellects like yours!

O​h, and about those cats. Um, yes, they are impervious to the lasers that we point at them. Now, when you say that nothing on your planet can withstand the outright beam of a laser, is that any intensity of the laser? Like, even a weak laser can cause issues? Just curious.

Sincerely,

H​al

*​***

D​ear Hal,

W​e too are enjoying communicating with your primitive species. Your childlike questions amuse us greatly. We especially chuckled at your question regarding our abundance of food being planet wide. Of course it is! Is this not the same on your planet? Of course it is not! Otherwise, why would you ask such a silly thing.

We truly pity your kind.

In any case, we have studied your pictures with great earnest. We too have vegetation. While we do not have these exact trees and plants, we are confident that yours would not only grow here, but also thrive. 

Now when you say, 'cash crops', what exactly does that mean? We are curious. Our vast, vast intelligence cannot quite decipher the meaning behind those words. We imagine it is because of your undeveloped aptitude.  

W​e must say, your information regarding your creatures known as cats is not only disturbing but also fascinating. We feel we must study them. We need this study done because we must confess, it is sadly true that any intensity of a direct laser beam is detrimental to all Kabangers, so to become impervious to it would be a knowledge we would greatly covet.  

B​y any chance, do you think it is their fur that protects them? We do not have such fur? Is fur in abundance on your planet?

P​lease respond as soon as possible!

Sincerely,

T​he Kabangers Team

*​***

D​ear Kabanger Team,

As you can imagine, w​e are studying your questions. Our primitive brains need more time to give you the information you seek about fur. We will get back to you on that as soon as we can.  

I​n the meantime, does your planet...and your kind...know of war? Like, have you ever fought each other at all? In any capacity? For any reason? Like, for example, for power grabs, or plundering resources, or even for fun?

Just curious! Working on that other problem for you. Get back to you soon!

Sincerely,

H​al

*​***

D​ear Hal,

Eons ago, the Kabangers race endured what your primitive mind calls, 'war'. We have since moved on. In our vast, vast wisdom we have done away with such need of offenses and defenses. We are not a warlike race at all. Aside from our atomizers, which are only vulnerable to direct laser beams, we have no weapons of any kind.

Our way is peaceful. We completely rely on our diplomatic skills to maneuver our way through life. Power grabs, plundering resources, war for fun? Those are for backward, primitive, primeval races without intelligence of any kind. Much like your race. No, our advanced ways do not leave room for such nonsense.  

Now, about that fur? Any progress there?

Sincerely,

The Kabangers Team

****

D​ear Kabanger Team,

S​till working on that fur question. Our backward, primitive, primeval brains are stumped for the moment, as you can imagine.

I​n the meantime, let's talk about cash crops for a minute. We have something called money on our ships, er, I mean, on our planet. We use money as a way to barter and trade goods. We grow crops and sell them for money or cash, which is why they are called 'cash crops'.  

Is that how it works on Kabangers? Do you use money? Also, have you ever smoked tobacco? Lit up a cigarette? Just curious.

Sincerely,

H​al

*​***

D​ear Hal,

T​hank you for your clarification of the term 'cash crops'. We have updated our banks of wisdom with this new information.

T​o answer your question, we do not use money of any kind. Long ago, we came to the conclusion that money is for the weak. We were initially surprised that you asked us about this, but then we remembered who we are communicating with, and we laughed greatly. You and your kind are such a pleasure to correspond with.

N​ow, this next piece of information you may be surprised with...because we do smoke, practically every day, sometimes up to three and four times a day. We do this strictly for the health benefits. The smoke is used as medicine to help keep our bodies clear of impurities. Of course, we do not have something called tobacco, but we do use a plant based substance for this purpose. Is this the same for you?

Looking forward to your response, especially about the fur.

Sincerely,

T​he Kabangers Team

*​***

D​ear Kabangers Team,

Once again, we are amazed with your answers. Especially when you say, 'Money is for the weak'! We love that answer. Also, smoking three or four times a day for medicinal purposes?! You truly are our kind of people! The fact that you don't get diseased from this is also great news. Yes, it is!  

S​o, we have finally put our heads together over here and we have an answer for you! We have come to the conclusion that fur must be the reason for the cat's ability to resist destruction from a laser. We would love to share our findings with you...in person!  

I​f you're up for it, we would like to meet with you and go over our studies. We, being of such weak minds, may have missed something during our research and would love your input!

P​lease, let us know as soon as you can if this is possible.

Sincerely,

H​al

*​***

D​ear Hal,

W​e are in agreement that we must meet in person. Also, we agree that your feeble intellect is not up to standards, so we would like to not only see your findings but run tests on our own as well.

With this in mind, we ask that you bring a plethora of cats with you, along with laser pointers. We imagine you are aware of the fragility of our race and ask that you allow us to take possession of the pointers upon arrival. This is strictly as a precaution and for safety reasons.  

W​e look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

T​he Kabangers Team

*​***

D​ear Kabangers Team,

You got it, my brotha' from another motha'! It's going down!  

Can't wait to meet you guys! We'll bring a 'plethora' of cats for sure and we'll bring our best laser pointers and give them to you right away!

Can't wait! Just one request. Can you make the wormhole larger, we have a lot of cats.

T​hank you,

H​al

*​***

D​ear Hal,

B​y now, you may have noticed the increase in size of the wormhole. We so look forward to meeting your primitive species.

Oh! M​y word, it looks like you are coming through now! Wow, you were not kidding about amount of cats you must have. Your armada of ships is like nothing we have ever seen before!

Plus... wait, are those laser pointers on the sides of your ships? They are rather large. Are your cats not all the same size? We truly look forward to studying them!

I will send this last message your way. It will be our final message in a bottle!

Sincerely,

T​he Kabangers Team