Lost Memories

“Ahh… there they are, my eyeglasses” said Lou to himself. He had been looking for them this entire week. He could have used his spare glasses if only he remembered where he kept them too. And it’s not just the eyeglasses, lately he has been losing a lot of stuff. Sometimes, it is his car keys, or his wallet or the shopping list. God forbid if he ever goes grocery shopping without his list, he ends up buying the most obnoxious things. Last month, he forgot to pay his electricity  bill and the service was cut off. In all fairness, he was sent verbal and written reminders but Lou of course did not remember what the reminders were for. 

He wasn’t always like this. Back in the day, he was young, charming and a very brilliant scientist. He was a genius and worked in a prominent pharma lab. His contributions were well known among his peers. He was dedicated at work but oblivious to the needs home. He was never actually present at home except to sleep and shower and then he would be gone for days at a time. His wife, Betty never complained. Not even when she asked her uncle to drive her to the hospital when she was in labor. Betty thought, maybe the baby’s arrival could make a difference. And it did, Lou started to sleep in his office because the baby was “too loud.” 

Betty named the baby Sara. Years went by but not much changed. Sara was now used to having a single parent at her dance recitals, PTAs and sports days. She was 13, old enough to understand that her dad preferred work over family but could not really fathom why her mom wouldn’t leave him. With time, she saw less and less of her dad but she couldn’t care less for his absence. Her world existed around her mother and she was the one who mattered the most. 

Betty was probably one of the kindest persons on the planet. She was a loving mother and a dedicated and hard working pediatric nurse. She was always ready to take an extra shift to help a colleague and in return never asked for any favors even when she was very sick It was the day after Sara’s graduation from high school when Betty felt a lump in her right breast. She did not tell Sara about it because she was so excited to go to college. Betty quickly got an urgent appointment with her family doctor who then referred her for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound which looked suspicious so she underwent a biopsy. The wait for her biopsy result was almost unbearable and finally her worst nightmare came true. She met with an oncologist, a young Asian doctor who was gentle and courteous. She tried to follow along every word but lost track after she heard “cancer.”  Betty had stage 4 breast cancer. Because of the type of cancer and the extent of metastases, her prognosis was not good. She heard about the treatment options and decided to fight it. For Sara, she had to fight and try her best to survive. 

Betty started chemotherapy but decided not to say anything to Sara. She made up excuses of taking extra shifts on her chemo days. Sara remained oblivious and eventually left for college. Soon Betty started to lose her hair, weight, appetite and her zeal for life. She came up with reasons for not visiting Sara and did not answer her calls because she can no longer hide the nausea nor her tears. Finally on her birthday, Sara showed up to surprise her. Sara was shocked to see Betty’s emaciated body. She was angry with her mom and herself. She was hurt and scared. She resented Lou, her father for not supporting at all. 

Sara took the semester off to help Betty and stood by her until her very last day but Lou was hardly there. It’s been twelve years  since Betty’s death and Sara has not spoken to Lou. She thinks about him from time to time but the bitterness she carries is still strong. After Betty’s death, there wasn’t anything left for Sara in the house so she packed up her stuff and a few things of Betty to keep as memorabilia and never looked back. 

And then one day. She received a call from Lou’s old friend and colleague. Lou had been hospitalized after a stroke. His health had deteriorated over the last few years after he suffered his first stroke which affected his memory and mobility. He started using a wheelchair and required physical assistance but was able to work for sometime. As time passed, he became more dependent and had to move to a nursing home. His memory declined further and eventually he could barely even remember how to count or spell his name. He stopped taking any interest in work and had a blank glassy stare in his eyes.

Lou was in bad shape so Sara decided to meet him. She was still angry at him and perhaps was hoping for an apology. 

While at the nursing home, the nurse informed Lou of his daughter’s visit. “Lou, Sara is coming to visit you on Sunday. Do you remember Sara, your daughter?” Nurse thought that maybe hearing his daughter’s name would bring a smile to his face. Lou heard the nurse and tried to picture Sara. “S...a...r...a, my daughter.” He tried hard to recall what she looked like and if they shared a connection, anything… any little tidbit of his life but came up empty handed. Lou knew that there are some things that he wanted to say to Sara but could not remember what. 

Finally when he saw Sara, a lightbulb went off in his head. He knew who Sara was. He pictured her tiny face sticking out of the swaddle, her first steps, her first words, the day she went to school and then the heartbreak and how she used to cry at home every time he missed an important event at school. Beyond this he could not picture anything else but did not know why. “Is it my dying memory or did I miss everything that mattered the most to Sara?” Lou knew that he must apologize to Sara but could not remember what he was sorry for so he simply stared at Sara as tears rolled down her cheeks.