Loving Without Confession

This story, like many other love stories, starts with a boy and a few words. Now, I'm not one known for falling in love very easily. Frankly, out of the fourteen years of my life, I've only fallen in love once. It's crazy, right? Well, I do it with good reason, and I'm about to tell you why.

The boy I fell in love with actually just happened in late October 2019. I had gotten over my first love only a month before that, which was an accomplishment because I had liked him for over a year and a half, though he had no interest in me whatsoever. However, a boy (let's call him Silas) came into my life that October, as the leaves were falling, creating a colorful piece of art on the cold ground.

I hit a point in my life where I was more sad than happy. My mood usually follows the weather, and once it starts getting cold, so does my heart. I wasn't in the state of falling in love, or even trying for that matter. Instead, I was trying to focus on my schoolwork since final exams were coming up. However, once Silas entered my life, I knew from then that I wouldn't be able to help myself.

Like most relationships gathering in 2020, it all starts with a simple text; a simple, 'hey, what's up?'

I knew him before that, of course. He was a grade older, popular within my group of friends, and a cool guy. I had truly met him at a lunch table I was sitting at with my guy best friend. I was wearing my best friend's oversized hoodie and my own beanie because I was cold. I was eating a bag of doritos, and somehow, he noticed me.

"You look like a stoner," were his first words to me. It was funny, really. After that, he didn't notice me. He didn't text me or talk to me. Although, finally after a few weeks, he noticed me once again. He told me that I looked cute in a picture I'd posted. We kind of bonded from there. He was really into mythology like me, and was pretty smart, even though he didn't like to show it at school.

Slowly, I knew I was falling in love, but I didn't want to admit it to anyone; not even myself. I couldn't. Last time I fell in love with someone, it ended in a whole year and a half of self-questioning and a broken heart. However, you can't help what you care about. Your heart decides for you.

I found out that, sure enough, he was starting to fall for me, too. He was the one who admitted it first. Although I knew I really liked him, I was too scared.

"I think I like you, too," I said, "but I need a little bit of time."

He understood. He said he would wait. I had fun with him for a while. I snuck him into my house one afternoon after school when my mom wasn't home, and we watched a horror movie. Now, I'm very awkward around boys I like, so I sat on one side of the couch while he sat on the other.

"If you come closer, I'll put my arm around you, you know," he said cooly. How impossible it was not to fall for him. He was charismatic and charming; oh, so perfect. So I listened to him and slid in closer.

The next night, at about one in the morning, I snuck out with him. He ended up kissing me. A very cliché moment, under the smiling moon. We made out that night. It was very cold in the November air, but it was so worth it. I couldn't help but fall more in love with him than ever. He had me under the tip of his finger.

That same weekend, he asked me out. Still, I wasn't sure about it. I should've said yes when he asked me, but I wanted to be sure that I liked him. I was the one scared that I would hurt him because I felt we were rushing it. He didn't feel that way.

"I'm not sure about it, yet," I said.

Although he tried not to show it, I knew he was disappointed. That weekend, I made up my mind about it all. I liked him. That was that. There was no changing my feelings. I liked him - no, loved him - the way I loved my first love. It'd only been a month, but when you know, you know.

I was so happy I had finally realized my true feelings, and I actually brought them to the surface. I was going to wait untill the following school day to tell him, and I couldn't wait. I wasn't scared of my feelings anymore. I found a boy that I loved, and he liked me back. Finally, right?

I went to school on Monday, and he was there, the same spot in the lobby, talking to the same people. I smiled as I walked up to him.

"Goodmorning," I said.

"Goodmorning." He smiled back at me, but something was off this time around. I figured it was because of what happened that weekend. I thought if I told him I was ready for a relationship like I planned to, he would be happier.

"So I've been thinking this weekend," I started, "and I've realized that I'm ready for a relationship. I really like you, Silas."

He looked at me with a sympathetic smile. I knew from then on that my heart was about to hurt again.

"I'm sorry, Emma," he replied. "I've been thinking, too. I feel like you're too scared of commitment for a boyfriend at the moment. Maybe you're not in the right mindset for a relationship."

Just like that, he had made my decision for me. Straight from one broken heart to another in the span of two months. Did I seriously waste my time again? Was I going to keep wasting my time crying because of him? A stupid boy?

The bell rang, and I rushed off to the first block, tears forming in my eyes. I refused to cry, though. So the rest of the day, I just stared into space, saying yes to whoever asked if I was okay. It sucked having a broken heart.

I still talk to Silas to this day... and I still love him. It's been about four months, full of a worthless crush that will never happen. I don't fall in love easily. It's only happened to me twice in my life. However, this second time, this time around, I'll know what to expect. I'm going to end up liking him for way too long, spending too much worthless time on a boy that I could be spending on myself; working on myself or my schoolwork or my writing. Why did it have to be a boy?

So you must be wondering: what's the secret you never told him?

Well, the answer is simple. Simply, I never told him how much I love him, how much I still love him. How every song on the radio is about him. How he’s every poem I write. How I regret so much. I wish I could go back to when he asked me out. I wish I said yes. I wish I told him I love him because I do, and that's not going to change any time soon.