Should of say it

"Just say it," you silently reminded yourself. You knew you'd regret it if you didn't. On the other hand, would you really? This was your constant train of taught, back and forth, between those two. Your head keep telling you to stay proud and endure. Meanwhile your body is telling you it had enough, to quit the game. And once again, when your body is about to win, your mind brings back the same memory. Many, of so many years ago. The day you decide to take this path. It was a rainy day, like some many up here, you were exhausted by your work and was thinking about how this was not going anywhere. How your life was just a waste and stagnant. The job was barely covering your basic life expenses and then you heard it. The rumor, the one about a high paying job. It sounds too good, and honestly, it probably was, now that you know more about it. The money was way tempting, with that amount, you could finally move from this hole and start over in a clean and way better life. You could even try to go to school if you fancy it. So, you did like everyone you met that day and sign up. They assured you that nothing was illegal and that depending on your quality, the money could be even better. A light in your day, dreaming about all you would do with that amount. So, no surprise you showed up at the meeting and play the first game. The first one was easy, stay still while unknown person were watching you. Move when ask and nothing to scary. Somehow, you were chosen to go for one path, one that was only a few going. In the second room, you had to sign a new paper, approving for some training and life improvement. At this point, something in your mind was trigger, but it was not enough. The choice was given to you to leave with a fair amount of money already, but you were greedy, so you signed the paper. They made all the one that agreed, total of five, go to a different room. This one, was darker, smell like copper a little. They ask you to strip but leaving the underwear on. You and the others looked around, and one decide there was no harm and started. You follow the movement, but while getting back up, you lock eyes with him and easy like that, your faith was done. You were asked to go into a different room again, but this time, only you were chosen. And this is the first time you should of say it and did not. They explain very clearly that you were very lucky and yet unlucky. The man was one of the more difficult clients of them. Your reward would be greater and depending how far you could go; you might never need to word ever again. They told me what the client really was looking for and they went with very detailed picture. They assured me no permanent damaged was allowed, but other then that, you would be agreeing to anything possible. The last thing they told me is that this assignment was not set into a time frame, it could last as long you would not stop it. To you, this was a challenge at the time. They gave you the night to make your arrangement, because you would not be leaving the game place until you say it. In theory, you were having all the power. First day, you barely remember it. Second and third, only the pain clouding your mind. The fourth, you gained some attitude and started being a bad player. That was when the table turned. Without knowing how or when, he started to talk and making deal with you. Pushing you to quit, and yet offering bigger reward if you did not. Fifth day, hell was unleashed, but deep down a beast was woken up. The beast was looking forward to the pain and was provocative. Nothing was ever enough for the beast inside of you, but from time to time, it was asleep and leaving alone in a world of pain and blood. In those moment, you knew you should just say it, that you will regret it, because your body and mind was getting improved like they said. Only, this was such a different path, that you did not know if you would recognize yourself in the mirror. Those time, you could almost feel it going between your lips, and then, the beast always snaps it close. The man really seems sincere about his offers, and he never lied so far. Your beast liked him. Days started to be nothing and fast enough, it had been a month the game started. At this point, you were so much stronger. The beast was now almost always in control. You barely remember that this was a game. You were graving when he was around, graving the pain, graving the blood, graving his teachings. Those teachings. You were now able to be so still; people could not see you. You were so silent, that people could completely forget your presence. You were becoming so agile with so many tools. You were now on a path of success. One that when you would leave, you and the man would be equal. Free to do has he promises. You tasted it and liked it. Or maybe, you were broke, and all this was a dark alley without any chance of seeing the light ever again. Without knowing it, you won and lost the game. If only you had said it when there was still time, regret was there, in front of you, but nothing would make you say it. The beats won’t let you say it, it won’t lose. The beast or you, the beast and you, the beast in you. All different and yet, exactly all the same. Regret it’s all you want; you are the one who did not say it when the time was there…     

Y. S. Nachtmahr