A Knot In The Family Tree

A Knot In The Family Tree

   They’s a lot you can say about coincidences. Sometimes they’re somethin’ just like somethin’ else, and sometimes they’re just a reminder that the Good Lord don’t forget nuthin’. That’s the way it was when Uncle Burley found out who the lady in the porta jon was.

  Ya’ll do remember the porta jon? When Uncle Burley’s big ol’ Johnson run amuck... had to run ‘er aground? Forty horse Johnson... high on mothballs, one blade broke plumb off the prop, 11 million RPM’s. It had slammed through the back of the porta jon and lodged there with the tiller seperatin’ a lady from her underalls? It was Flora May, Aunt Flora May Huggins to be exact. She was there attendin’ the annual Hugginses Reunion, when a slightly rancid can of smoked oysters had sent her scurrying to the porta jon.

   Well them partly digested oysters had contributed handsomely to the methane that the Johnson ignited. This all come to light much later... at the hospital. Anyway, Uncle Burley, bein’ the gentleman that he was, felt obliged to take Aunt Flora May a case of Falls City by way of atonement. Lordy once she seen what Uncle Burley could do to a case of Falls City, she knowed he was somethin’ special. She also knowed her daddy, Uncle Junior, kept a couple cases in the fridge out in the garage.

  Now when you multiply Flora May’s biological clock, by two cases of cold Falls City, divided by Uncle Burley, ... wasn’t long ‘til he was added to the Christmas list.

   A refrigerator ALWAYS filled with cold beer can do strange things to a man……………….

  The weddin’ was a beautiful, magical thing... at first. Why, they even tied the dogs so no ones duds would get messed up.

   Scooter (did I ever tell ya’ll what a fine boy he’s a turnin’ out to be?), well Scooter had brung his accordion an’ was a workin’ his way through George Jones Greatest Hits, Vol. I and II. (He was savin’ Tammy’s “Stand By Your Man” fer the big finale). Ya’ll ever hear that one on the accordion ? Let me tell you... it’ll warm the cunkles of your heart. When Scooter hits that last “Staaaaaaaaaaaaad byyyyyyyyyeeeee, yo-or MA-A-AN” and the coon hounds join right on in.... they ain’t a dry eye in the house.

   Well, things was gettin’ started and all the young’uns was a passin’ out little bottles, from purty little baskets. Now Uncle Burley was on a plane once an’ knowed about little bottles. That plane landed a hour early so’s they could get Uncle Burley unwrapped from that stewardess and the Army figured it had enough problems, so Uncle Burley got sent home on a bus.

   Anyways, Uncle Burley caught one of the boys lookin’ up Lo...rayne’s dress, and while the little feller’s attention was diverted, he took a whole handful of them little bottles....

 pheeeeeeew! ... tasted terrible .... almost like soap ... but Uncle Burleys’ mouth was dry, and he’d drunk a lot worse.

 Aunt Flora May was a vision of loveliness, that veil was worth every penny it added to the Sears card! Uncle Burley had knocked back pretty near all them little bottles, but they didn’t seem to be helpin’ that much.... he still had that terrible taste in his mouth, and now on top of that he felt a might gassy... but Scooter was playin’, the women was a cryin’ an’ Flora May was commin’ down the aisle.... annnnn’ …  that’s when the first real pain hit... Uncle Burley knowed right off... this wasn’t gas!

   A little gas could have been handled just fine, what with the accordion still playin’ an’ the preacher a good ten foot away yet. But this wasn’t gas an’ Uncle Burley’s face started to take on a very sickly pallor. The preacher noticed this and stepped forward to comfort Uncle Burley. That’s when the second pain hit an’ Uncle Burley started to sweat. Right above the eyebrows first... then the upper lip. Uncle Burley locked down his butt cheeks grabbed th’ preacher’s elbow fer support and managed a feeble smile.

    “There, there, my son” said the preacher, and Uncle Burley started to pray through quivering lips. The parson was elated. Here, truly stood a man of great inward turmoil, a man who turned to God for strength in this solemn moment.

   By the time Aunt Flora May took her place beside him, Uncle Burley’s mind had begin to wander. “Men’s room... men’s room”, never had anything taken on this much importance to him. A gurgle turned loose in his gut and he nearly passed out trying to keep it in his gut.

   Now might be a good time to talk a little to you folks about a pucker string... what it is... what it does and how it actually operates. A pucker string is a strong sinew hooked at one end, to every muscle in the body. It makes its way down... around... and forms a neat clove hitch around the poop chute. The other end is attached securely to your toes. If the toes can be curled under with sufficient force, the poop chute can be effectively closed off..... for a short time. This procedure is greatly enhanced by a slow side to side rocking motion, one leg to the other. By this time, to the gathering in th’ pews, Uncle Burley was lookin’ like Elvis... in concert!!!

... “Dearly beloved” said the preacher.

    “Muwaaaagung” moaned Uncle Burley.

   Aunt Flora May was beginin’ to glance at him nervously. He tried to smile but all he could manage was a ragged grimace and one bubble, which took to the end of his nose and made his watering eyes cross. Just about now a resounding “BLUMPH-A- ROOOMPLE” was heard and everyone looked toward the water cooler....except Uncle Burly, he knowed where the noise had come from and where it was headed.

 “...... to join this couple in Holy Matrimony” droned the preacher.

 “.... Ho-leeeeeee crap!!!!” Thought Uncle Burley.

   The pressure in Uncle Burley’s stomach had built steadily. He began to doubt his future with Flora May. Sweat streamed down his face now, from his arm pits, and down his back. It crawled down his spine like little spiders, under his cummerbund[U1] , and ever downward. It funneled down his butt crack and there joined the other little spiders creeping from under his cheeks. The rocking motion now was accented by little bounces... the buckles on Uncle Burley’s false leg began to jingle.

 “ Do you have the ring?” the preacher asked quietly.

 “ I’ll ring yer friggin’ neck if you don’t hurry,” Uncle Burley’s mind screamed.

   Now you folks with all ten toes might not be able to appreciate Uncle Burley’s desperation. When he’d went on that bender and lost one leg (never was quite sure what had become of it) he had been left with only five toes, in control of his pucker string. Why that’s probably only half of what most folks have. And though all five toes was scratchin’ the back of his calf right now, the pucker string was losin’. In spite of all his effort Uncle Burley felt an almost imperceptible slip!!!

“… immmmph…”

 “ ... or forever hold your peace”

 “ HOLD IT..............HOOOOLD IT........ HOOOOOOOLD IT”, chanted Uncle Burley’s numbing brain.... and a bubble escaped....

 ……. poip!

  The veins in Uncle Burleys forehead throbbed, the leaders in his neck tightened and his head was drawn down to his shoulders. He looked a might pitiful. The muscles in his butt, belly and legs started to spasm. A low woe some moan built and filled the church... one of the dogs was viciously kicked... and never knowed why.

   Flora May leaned away, she was a fixin’ to run, but now the preacher’s smile broadened

 “.... no man put asunder......... you may kiss the bride”

 From here things got a little blurry.

  As Uncle Burley threw back her veil, his eyes filled with tears.... Flora May’s heart was filled.... and Uncle Burleys’ trousers were about to be!!!

 He grabbed Aunt Flora May as a tremendous pain racked his belly, the strength transfer through his aching muscles clasped her to his shaking body like nothing she had ever experienced. When he kissed her Aunt Flora May had never felt such passion. Her knees buckled and her garters gave way.

   Fwwwwiiiiiiiiimmmmp....... her nylons shot to her ankles like two rolled down bread pokes.... daaaaaang!!!... she almost swallered her chew!

 “......present Mr. and Mrs. Bur......................

   Aunt Flora May, embarrassed, gathered herself, tossed the bouquet, and headed for the front door... quite naturally expecting Uncle Burley to follow. More little bottles of bubbly magically appeared and the bubbles floated everywhere... especially down the backs of Uncle Burley’s legs as he hobbled toward the men’s room. As he crashed through the door his rented trousers were already to his knees. The Widder Jenkins whimpered “himp”... wiggled her mustache and promptly left... the ladies room.

   No never mind now... there … just feet away was the object he most desired in all the world. The pot at the end of the rainbow... the Holy Grail.... The Great White Throne.... Uncle Burley entered into a religious experience... As his weak and heavy laden cheeks touched the cool white porcelain, the battered and beleaguered pucker string gave up the ghost............... .

   Now folks if you was to take ol’ Betsy, the cannon in front of the Courthouse, load ‘er heavy with triple f (gunpowder), tamp in a ripe head of cabbage, stand ‘er up, muzzle down and tech ‘er off into the mill pond..... you might have a pretty fair picture of what Uncle Burley did to that bathroom.... ‘cept the mill pond don’t have no floors to flood, ‘er walls to clean.... ‘er ceilin’, winders, rugs … uh … well you prob’ly got th’ picture.

“yeeeeeeeeeee owwww waa waa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh” !!!

   The ecstatic scream of relief, followed by the smell had pretty much cleared the pews (pun if you like) saving Uncle Burley the embarrassment of stepping out of there looking like he did. His rented, powder blue, double knit, tux would never see the rental shop again.

  As he made the front steps, Flora May took one long look, slid over, started the pick-up and left. The honeymoon was over, so to speak. Most of the gifts got returned... but nobody wanted Uncle Burley.... so we just kept him.

 [U1]