Goodbye

“I’ll love you forever.” The heart monitor says otherwise. Her eyes crease at the corners, and tears have traced her face so many times that their pathways leave marks on her cheeks. Each ragged breath seems to take life rather than giving it to her. My mother, once so strong, trembles underneath the weight of air. Perhaps I’m shaking too, for she sees my fear and attempts a smile. 

“It will all be ok honey; please, be brave for me.” I can’t fight a sudden spark of anger. She’s wrong. Her lips craft sugar-coated lies, promising love that will not be there for me. With one look at the defeated expressions of the nurses, her words become meaningless. We both realize this is the end, yet neither of us can voice a farewell. 

How can I leave her soft laughter, the kisses she would plant on my knees after I scraped them? Where will I find the courage to say goodbye to her unrelenting confidence, to the stunningly bizarre outfits she wore just to make me laugh? I cannot recognize her death, for the acceptance would kill us both. 

“Hey, hey…” Her voice trails off, grasping for any words of comfort.  

“I’ll always be here for you. Never ever forget that for me, ok? ” I fight every urge to scream, for her reassurance does nothing to quell my pain. 

“I know… I know.” I am just as guilty as her. We both realize the tragedy to come, but our farewells have yet to escape us. 

She coughs, staining her gown with blood. Her frail figure shakes with the effort. Doctors halfheartedly rush to her side; I can see the hopelessness in their actions. She brushes their gloved fingers away from her mouth. 

“Don’t worry about me, it’s nothing but a cough.” I almost smile. In her last moments, my mother is fussing over the very people that are meant to assist her. It seems like an eternity has passed since the days where she could care for me. 

She had fought the monsters beneath my bed, telling me to gaze at the stars rather than trembling in the dark. As surgeries drew constellations of scars on her ribs, we sat beneath the quiet sky and held each other. 

Years of hope meet their demise tonight. Each beep from the heart monitor is cruel, feeling like the countdown until New Years'. Time is of the essence, and yet, neither of us speaks. 

I’ll take care of your aquarium. I’ll even water your plants. Don’t worry about dad; I won’t let him relapse. Everything will be ok. I promise.

I’ll miss our witty bantering and the jokes you made to lift a heavy situation. No one will ever make meals or sing me to sleep as well as you. I cherished your love, and could never replace it. I love you. I love you so much. 

Everything that she needs to know cannot escape my mind. The words refuse to move, stuck in my throat. I desperately scour her eyes for a final message. Will my mother’s life end in silence? 

My daughter stands above my deathbed. She’s soaked in loneliness and exhaustion; I almost feel guilty for not dying sooner. I notice her quietly humming a lullaby, and manage a weak smile. 

At another time, I had used the melody to calm her to sleep. She feared night with a passion, as the unknown darkness held unlimited possibilities of evil. Her imagination conjured ghosts and monsters, giving me the task of banishing them. I became her warrior, and we had traversed the unknown with courage and a soothing lullaby. I taught her to read the sky as well; the stars spoke a language long forgotten in the modern world. Constellations became her protectors, and she found comfort in the mystical shapes of the universe. 

On a night so long ago, I woke up to her wails and fear-ridden screams. The shadows had painted her walls with claws and blood, and the clouds had stolen her safety. Abandoned by the stars above her, the child had the first of her encounters with loss. 

“Mommy,” she paused, her lips trembled slightly. 

“Shh… you don’t need to say anything. Watch.” I drew a lopsided star on her arm and showed it to her. Immediately, her eyes brightened as she reunited with a lost friend. 

“You see, you’ll never be alone. The stars can leave you, but darkness is nothing to fear if I’m with you. I’ll be with you forever; don’t you forget that.” 

Perhaps it was my carelessness with words that destroy me now. I’ve given her forever, and refuse to acknowledge that I must take it back. The farewell that I cannot bear to say eats at my insides, churning my stomach and making my heartache. Have I become so fragile that I crumble underneath the weight of my own words? 

“Honey… the sun is rising.” My voice is hoarse and my words are weak, but the fog in her eyes seems to lift a bit. Together, we watch the stars fade into the rosy-hued sky. All is silent save for the beep of the heart monitor. 

“I’ll miss…the stars…” Each word is drenched in sorrow; I long for the courage to say what I truly mean, but it is all I can manage. Part of me is foolish enough to believe it is enough. 

“I’ll miss looking at them with you,” she whispers faintly. Behind her eyes, I can see the goodbye I will never hear. I find solace in knowing she will care for her father, as she protects her loved ones with the ferocity I once harnessed for her. 

I blink slowly, as my vision is blurred and the fluorescent lights begin to burn. With a sinking feeling, I realize my time has arrived. I will never be able to bring closure to my love for her. She couldn’t do the same for me. We believed in forever, but even the stars will die eventually.