The Can-Phone Calamity

The Can-Phone Calamity  by clcronan 2020

“Jackie! Jaaackie! Jackie pick up, Pick up!”

”Jeez! I was all the way downstairs and I could hear you yelling! My

mother said, “Why does she even need the can-phone if she’s gonna

always be screamin’?”

“Never mind that. You will NEVER believe - oh, hang on, . . .Mom! I heard you. I’ll be down in a sec. . . Where was I? Oh, yeah - so you’re never going to believe what I heard my sister talking to her friend about. This is such a great story.”

“Which sister?”

“What? what? Who cares! I am trying to tell you something! It was Elizabeth, ok? now be quiet and, “

“Who was she talking to?”

“What? What is the matter with you? I think it was Pam. Now let me talk or, . . I’m coming!  Listen, my mother wants me to eat dinner like “RIGHT NOW!” so now you’ll have to wait to hear the great story. Meet me back here at 7.”

* * *

“Where have you been? Do you even know what time it is? I can’t even believe you aren’t just dying to hear this story!”

“Well, you had to eat, then I had to eat, so you know, I can’t help it.

It’s not even that late.”

“Oh my god. Just listen would you? I heard Pam tell Elizabeth that. . .”

“How could you hear Pam if they were on the phone?”

“It was Facetime, you idiot, and I was outside my sister’s room, AND she had the door open. Are we good now? May I pleeease get on with this story?!”

“Well, so-o-orry! Go ahead then.”

“So, anyway, Pam tells Elizabeth. . .”

“How come nobody calls her Liz or Beth or Lizzy or anything, I mean . . .”

“I swear to god if you don’t let me talk, I am going to jump out this window to my death!”

“It’s only two stories.”

“What? It’s ONE story and for Petes sake let me tell it!”

“No, I mean if you jumped. It’s only two stories.”

“What!?”

“So you wouldn’t probably die.”

“Well, isn’t that just a fascinating fact. OK, OK, I won’t die, but I might just kill YOU! You know what? I am apparently an idiot for trying to tell a story to an even bigger idiot. The story pales in comparison to the one where I yank on this phone wire and you are holding on to that tin can so tight that YOU fall out you window - but not to your death - so to finish you off I have to throw knives at you until you . . .”

“Where are you going to get the knives? You don’t have knives in your

room do you?”

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Did you just hear that noise? That was the sound of my head exploding! You are on my last nerve Jacquelyn Patricia Whitehall, and am so absolutely done trying to talk to you!”

“Ok, well, so good night, even though you threw your can down on the

floor, good night! I mean I don’t think you’re too mad because last time

you threw the can out the window. So, yeah, anyway, good night

Charlotte! GOOD NIGHT! Talk to you tomorrow, OK? GOOD NIGHT!”

* * *

“Hey, Charlotte! Hey Charlotte! Heeey, Chaaarlotte! Heeey, Chaaarlotte!”

“Oh, Jackie - humm, this rattling tin can gives me the impression you are trying to get my attention.”

“Well, yah, didn’t you hear me calling you? I think I’ve been calling for

about five minutes, didn’t you hear me?”

“Why, yes, yes I did. As a matter of fact I think the whole neighborhood did. So what we are all wondering now is, what can I do for you Miss Whitehall?”

“Well, yeah, so my mother wants me to tell you to tell your mother that

she got a piece of your mail in our mailbox, well, not YOUR mail, it’s

actually your sister’s mail, but so anyway, I am going to bring it over.”

“OK, so, just to clear, you spent five minutes calling me to tell me that you are coming ALL THE WAY next door to bring a piece of mail. Did it never occur to you that you could just come over and ring the bell and deliver the mail and be done with it?”

“Oh, OK, then I will just come over then, OK?

“What a fabulous plan! Did anyone ever tell you that you are really good at making plans? The level of. . HOLD IT! Which sister? Is it for Elizabeth? Because that might just be the map I was trying to tell you about! Come over! Quick! But don’t ring the door bell! I will meet you outside!”

m“Oh, OK, if that . . .Charlotte? . . . oh, brother.”

* * *

“Psst! Jackie! over here!”

“Charlotte? Why are you in the bushes? Isn’t it all prickly in there?”

“Quick! Get in here before anyone sees you! Did you bring the letter? Let me see it, let me see it! Hurry up!”

“Well, OK, but why? I still don’ t know why you are in the prickly bushes.”

”Hand it to me quick, before the coffee cools off!”

“Coffee? Charlotte, why are you drinking coffee in the bushes? I didn’t

know you drank coffee.”

“It’s not for drinking. It’s for the steam. I saw a lady in a movie steam open a envelope. So that is what we are going to do.”

“But why? This is Elizabeth’s mail. We are not supposed to open it.”

“Well we ARE opening it. It just HAS to be the map!”

“The map?”

“The map to the treasure! That is what Pam said to Elizabeth. That she’d get a copy of the map in the mail, and that she’d have to act fast to get the treasure! So that is what we are doing, acting fast.”

“Fast?”

“This note says, ‘Your share of the booty,’ (that means treasure,) ‘will only be available on Saturday, between 1 pm and 5 pm at the Tall Pines Mall! It says there is a special trail marked inside the mall to lead you to the Treasure Chest, and that everyone who finds the end of the trail will get special Treasure Chest Booty to bring home. Jackie, just think of it! Treasure right here in our own boring mall! Without this letter we would not have even known! Now all we need is a way to get to the mall tomorrow around 1 pm, because we don’t want to miss out! Let me think, let me think, humm. . . “

* * *

“This is sooo not a good idea. I can’t understand how I let you talk me

ninto this. I feel sick. I may not. . .”

“Ah, quit your squawking. We’re fine. It’s just a quick bike ride to the mall and back home again. Our mothers won’t even know we’re gone.”

“I don’t even know why I came along. I should have stayed home.”

“A treasure map, and a share of the booty! That’s enough reason for any adventurer!”

“I don’t really think of myself as an adventurer.”

“Lucky for you, I can help you with that. Peddle faster or we’ll never get there.”

* * *

“Man! This place is packed! ‘Arrr, You’d better stick tight to me, matey, for that treasure is so near I can smell it!’”

“Oh, Charlotte, how can you joke at a time like this. Someone here is

bound to recognize us and tell out mother’s they saw us.”

“For Pete’s sake, Jackie, this is the fun part, do you think you might, oh, I don’t know, maybe, HAVE FUN! This trail is pretty easy to follow, it won’t be long now.”

“Charlotte! Don’t stop so short like that! I almost knocked us both over!”

“Oh.”

“Charlotte? You OK? You look awful mad. Your face is red. Charlotte?”

“The Treasure Chest is a perfume store!?! Booty is just the name of a perfume!? Are you kidding me!?! Some adventure this turned out to be!”

* * *

“Charlotte, could you c’mon already? You sure peddled faster on the way

over. You look a little sweaty. Are you OK? You sure did get mad when

you saw the Treasure Chest - Oh, do you still have you’re sample? I think

I .. .”

“Listen, Jackie, do you think maybe we don’t have to talk on the ride home?”

“Well, sure, that’s fine. Only I was just about to tell you that I think I will

wear “Booty” every day. It will be my signature fragrance. Everyone

should have a signature fragrance, don’t you agree? I just think, since

today was such an amazing day, that I will always want to remember it.

You know, I think I will tell my mother this story. I think she will like this

story. She still might get a little mad, but really she won’t be able to stay

mad, don’t you agree?”

“Yeah, some great story. Now can we stop talking?”

“Some great story alright. If you could have seen your face! Priceless. My

mother says that is a comeuppance face. Gee, I never thought in a

million years I would ever see a comeuppance face on you! I wonder if

the security cameras caught it? I wonder if I called the mall office if they

could track down a picture of that face you made. It was one for the

books, I tell you, like nothing I have ever seen before. What a great day

for a bike ride, huh? Don’t you agree? The air is so fresh, and the sun is

so nice. I think it’s the perfect day for a bike ride. Yes, my friend, a great

day all around. What a story, what a great story.

“If you say so.”

“I sure do, great story.”