We have been looking everywhere for you

There are some feelings, some deep personal feelings, that are unexplainable. The ones you can’t really share with anyone, even if you did want to; even if you did try to put them into words. The same ones that seem to always last longer than all the others. Alice was experiencing a fair dose of a mix of them at the same time.

Sitting at the edge of the rooftop of a two story building, she felt anxious, sad, angry; but not quite. It was as if someone had had a recipe that required all of the above, but had somehow mixed up the doses. Not to mention the sprinkle of hope and happiness that didn’t quite fit in, that she was trying really hard to put out of her mind. That was proving more difficult than usual. Today was supposed to be a good day, after all. The day. Why shouldn’t she be joyful?

Because she had been in this spot before. And not just the one where she was sitting, swinging her feet back and forth.

No, where she had been already before was in this state of limbo, waiting for those five words she had been longing to hear all of her life. ‘You have been officially adopted.’ Answer to a question she had stopped asking a long time ago. ‘Has anyone come for me yet?’ The actual, real answers she had been used to so far had ranged from sweet at first to plain rude later on. Or as she called them, in her head: “Mr. not today honey;” which was closely related to — in the same way that fire and water are both elements — “Mrs. if there were any news I would have told you by now.”

Because, you see, the two story building was a place for kids like her. Kids that had no idea where they came from or who their family was. Alice had been there most of her life: eleven years out of sixteen. The first five years, she had been told, she had spent somewhere ‘people actually come and adopt you.’ That, of course, had not happened to her.

The sadness, anger, and anxiousness concoction came from that. From never being the kid potential parents actually brought home for good. A few had tried, especially when she was in middle school, because they fell in love with the way she looked with her curly hair and the glasses too big for her face. They all thought they would bring home a quiet, studios girl. Which she was not. Well, she was studios indeed; she was top of her class and read as many books as she could get her hands on. But she was also very active, climbing every tree in every backyard she was brought to. She also wanted to sign up to every possible sport, even the ‘most dangerous’ as the potential parents put it. It wasn’t her fault that they painted a picture of her in their head that was far from the truth. During that period, the longer she had spent in one of the potential homes had been a whole month. Then puberty hit and she was chosen less and less.

The sprinkle of hope and happiness came from the fact that, a little under a year before, she had met what she thought were the perfect parents. They had picked her over everyone else, even the cutest six year old she had ever seen. When they had been asked if they were sure of their choice because ‘that one is not at all what she appears to be,’ the potential father had replied with a: ‘good thing we don’t make assumptions about people’s personalities only based on their appearances. Or at all.’ That had been met with a tight smile from the headmistress, who didn’t argue only because she couldn’t wait to be rid of Alice.

Stephanie and Eric, aka the perfect parents, had brought her home that same evening. When too in awe of the tall trees in the backyard, she had instinctively asked if she could climb one, before she had brought a hand to her mouth fearing she had already ruined everything. She hadn’t witnessed the conversation with the headmistress after all. Stephanie had replied, matching her initial enthusiasm, ‘not if I climb it first!’

Later, at the dinner table, she had cautiously asked how come she hadn’t been scolded for wanting to do such thing. Eric had answered her. ‘Because we want you to be safe in whatever you decide to do. That’s why you are not allowed to climb unless one of us is there with you. We don’t want to tell you what you should love, though.’ Stephanie had nodded the whole time. That seemed like a great compromise to Alice. It also made her feel warm inside, the fact that someone worried for her safety.

‘If that was day one,’ she had thought to herself that night in bed, ‘what could possible go wrong,’

‘Nothing,’ had been the answer for the most part of the first four months she had spent there. The three of them had gotten so in sync with each other that it had felt like they had been a family for her entire life. Eric shared her love for books and taught her everything he knew, from science to sci-fi movies. Which was also where he got his best — and worst — dad jokes from.

With Stephanie, she shared her love for climbing and sports in general. Every weekend, they either went rock climbing or to yoga. Yoga, as Stephanie pointed out, was just as important as any other activity. ‘You want to be flexible enough, and relaxed enough, if you want to kick people’s butts,’ she had told Alice one day when she had admitted she didn’t know what she wanted to pursue next: kickboxing or martial arts.

They even gave her the best birthday party of her life that far. She had pointed out that she didn’t have many friends at school, only a couple, so the big party wasn’t necessary. They had invited the two friends and all their relatives. The latter, being eager to meet her, had actually treated her like family. They had also brought her lots of gifts.

The dream had come to a crashing halt when they tried to finalize the adoption and were prevented from doing so. The perfect parents had tried not to worry her too much about the details. One day, though, she overheard them on the phone: someone hadn’t filed the foster form; either deliberately or by accident. It had looked like the whole time she had been with them she had actually spent back at the orphanage. There was no way forward, only backward. They had been forced to bring her back; with tears in their eyes, they promised to find a solution. Even with all the past experiences and a lifetime of disappointment, she had believed them. That was seven months before.

Her hope had risen again, against her better judgement, the day before. She had walked into the headmistress’ office, after she had been summoned there, trying to figure out what she was going to be punished for this time. She had walked out of it, almost skipping, after a phone call with the perfect parents. They had promised, again and again at her request, that they had solved all bureaucratic problems and were going to pick her up the next day.

She had been waiting for them on the rooftop since right after breakfast. She had even skipped lunch, not that she was eager to eat the watery soup of the day. Next to her was the book she was currently reading, which had been left untouched that day. It brought her comfort though; it was one of the many she had received on her latest birthday.

When she heard footsteps behind her, she didn’t dare turn around, she couldn’t face more disappointment. Or the thirteen year old that was always mocking her.

“Hey!” It was Stephanie’s voice. “We have been looking everywhere for you.” Which didn’t feel like it related only to that particular day, but their whole lives.

Only then did she turn around, tears in her eyes. “You came?”

“Of course we did,” Eric replied, tears welling up in his eyes as well.

“Stop it, you two, you’ll make me cry as well.”

But Alice didn’t hear her: she was already jumping to her feet and running toward them. She hesitated just a moment, one foot in front of them, before she threw her arms around them for a tight hug. They immediately hugger her back just as tightly.

“Is it for real this time?” she asked, as she let go after what felt like an eternity and a moment at the same time.

“Yes, Alice. I am y—,” started Eric.

“Don’t you dare,” she interrupted him, half laughing half crying.

She then hugged them again. Because she could. Because she wanted to. Because she had missed them. Because she was experiencing all those feelings you never know how to explain to others. Feelings she knew they were experiencing as well, her new parents. She couldn’t put them into words, but she was sure all three of them were feeling one thing: love.