To Ashes

“Are you okay?” asks Lena.

“Yeah,” replies Caleb, with some difficulty, his voice very evidently reflecting his pain. Moments ago, he had blacked out in the bathroom, and the memory of it was a void. What worried him, though, was what he saw after he regained consciousness. The viewing mirror lay shattered, and a massive crack appeared on the wash basin. His eyes had a bloodshot look, and he had a piercing pain in his head. The fits were getting more frequent, and he hoped that it wouldn’t be late till dawn arrives.

Lena didn’t have to enquire any further. She knew what he was going through. They eat in silence, not knowing what to say to each other. It was an unexpected situation, making it difficult for both to put words to it. They were sad, both trying their best to hide it.

“How’s the food?” asks Lena, finally breaking the silence.

Caleb was glad she did. “It’s great, honey!” replies Caleb, trying his best to sound as enthusiastic as possible. “I don’t know what you did, what you put in that Risotto, but I haven’t had Risotto like this since, well, ever.”

She manages a weak smile. “I’m glad you like it.”

“And don’t even get me started with the chicken. I mean, Honey, if you can get chicken this grilled without a grill, I can’t imagine what you would do if we had one.”

Lena sighs, and her smile disappears. “Stop, Caleb.”

“What? I’m just saying, it’s really good.” He takes another mouthful of the chicken.

“It’s not cooked.”

“What do you mean?”

“Caleb! It’s not cooked! The meat is raw. The Risotto you liked so much is unseasoned.”

Caleb looks at the piece of meat on his plate. The chicken was dosed with a layer of food coloring and sprinkled with some masala he couldn’t recognize, giving it the grilled look. But it was raw. So why, then, did the raw meat taste so good? Is his condition progressing that rapidly? He looked at Lena, who had her palms on her head. She looked distraught.

“Can we please reconsider your decision?” she asks. “ We’ll find a way out of this mess. I promise!”

“Honey, we’ve–” he recomposed himself, “We’ve talked about this.”

“I know. But I don’t want us to give up.”

Caleb knew there was nothing he could say to prepare her for this. For better or worse, he would soon be relieved of his pain. It was Lena who would have to carry on. The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence again.

“Do you remember, Rory and I went on this, this retreat with a couple of our work buddies for my 40th Birthday?” Caleb had no idea why he brought this up. He just hoped it would work. “We told you guys that you won’t be able to reach us because it was a secluded place. We would be trekking for multiple days.”

She wipes her tears with her sweater sleeves and responds, “Yeah! Yeah, the umm, the wilderness trip. Yeah, I remember.”

“It was a retreat all right,” said Caleb with a sly smile. Caleb immediately saw a hint of curiosity in Lena’s eyes. Now he just had to continue his lie.

“It was just the four of us, camping in the forest, hunting, getting hammered. It wasn’t a group retreat.”

“Oh my god, Caleb!” gasps Lena with a gentle shock. “Is that how you got the knee scar?” She sounded genuinely surprised.

Caleb nodded and continued his story, “We thought we saw a raccoon. And I had this wonderful idea of getting one as a pet for you. So we cha–”

“You mean get one as a pet for you?”

“No, honey. I swear!” said Caleb, faking a mischievous smile. “Anyway. So we chased after the raccoon, right? But then, we ran straight into a bear. Only then did we realize the thing we were chasing after was a cub. So now, we ran for our lives. I was pretty drunk, but I remember laughing and screaming the entire way. Luckily, I guess, now that I think about it, we weren’t parked that far.”

Lena gasps loudly, a realization settling on her face, “Caleb, no! Not my car!”

“Yeah!”

“You said it was an overgrown elk on the road.”

“Well, now you know.”

“God, Caleb!” groans Lena, but with a smile. Caleb laughs. “What about the website you showed me about the retreat?” she asks.

“We paid a guy to make a fake one.”

Lena bursts into laughter, “That’s so unnecessary,” struggling to speak words, “and stupid!”

She covered her face with both her palms and continued to laugh. At least, that’s what Caleb thought. But soon he realized Lena had begun weeping again. Caleb moves closer to Lena and gets down on one knee beside her chair, holding her in his arms.

“I’ll miss you, Caleb,” says Lena, her voice muffled by her weeping.

“I know, dear, I know. It will be hard. There are times you will feel like giving up. But you’ll have to be strong, for our child’s sake.” Caleb was trying his best to hold back his tears. “I’m sorry that I’ll be putting you through this again. But I know you can do it. You are stronger than you think you are.”

They remain in each other’s arms in silence, comforting each other. After some time, Lena asks, “What should we name him?”

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“Is it me, or does the night seem–” his thoughts trail off.

“Peaceful?” asks Lena without turning to Caleb.

“Yeah. Peaceful, right?”

The nights were usually filled with guttural screams, the occasional gunfire, and sounds of grenade blasts. The skies would be filled with smoke, and the air thick with the smell of gunpowder. Caleb and Lena owned a humongous piece of land. Their house was in the dead centre of this property, at an approximate distance of 3 km from every possible side. They kept it mostly empty, with a few scattered trees here and there. Everything was a strategic decision. They kept it empty so that they had a clear view of any approaching danger. They kept landmines scattered across the property. They strategically placed automatic sentry guns equipped with movement sensors, guarding against any stray hordes.

Caleb and Lena were stargazing on the porch, sitting beside each other on recliner chairs. Caleb was having a beer while Lena was slowly sipping on her lemonade. The silence was interrupted by the echo of a scream at a distance, followed by a quick burst of gunfire. Caleb stood up immediately, fully alert and scanning the property for any movement.

“Did you check the sentries?” asks a worried Caleb.

Lena was surprisingly calm. “Relax, Dear! Everything is at 100%”.

“But did you run the diagnostics?”

“Yes! Like I said, everything is at 100%”

Caleb turns his gaze in the direction of the scream and the gunfire from a minute ago. “I think I’ll quickly go and make sure–”

“Caleb!” interjects Lena, almost snapping at him. She was clearly frustrated. “I ran the diagnostics right after we had dinner. Everything is working at full capacity.”

Caleb was taken aback at her reaction. He slowly sits on his chair. “I’m sorry, Honey. I just wanted to make sure we’re safe.”

His response frustrated Lena even more. “What I want is for you to be present here with me!”

Caleb leans back on his chair and reaches out for her hand.

Lena continues, “I don’t want you to carry the load of the world in our last moments. I just want you to be here.”

Caleb, almost whispering, “I know. I know. I’ve fucked up a lot. I fucked up our life.”

“I’m sorry, dear.”

“Don’t be.”

Caleb opens up another bottle and takes a sip. He couldn’t feel a thing. He stares at the bottle, almost defeated, trying to imagine the taste of beer. He gives up, but continues drinking.

“I had grand plans for this place. I was saving up for this dirt bike I saw online. You know, those tiny ones. They look like toys, but they are like legit bikes for children. I thought I would build a small track in our front yard where he could play with his friends.”

“You do know I wouldn’t have let you do that, right?”

“One can always dream. Hey! How about a barn? We get some horses. I give out riding lessons. Just some good old-fashioned cowboy stuff.”

“Do you even know how to ride a horse?”

“Or maybe I could’ve just chopped wood!”

Lena smiles.

A minute goes by.

“But, how hard can it be?” said Caleb out loud.

“Chopping wood?”

“No, like riding a horse. I can ride a bike. I trained a dog once. I just have to train the horse and ride it. How hard can it be!”

Lena started giggling. “Caleb, that dog almost bit me.”

“Oh, relax!” responded Caleb, slightly embarrassed. He takes another sip. “Hey, how’s, ummm, what’s his name. Ryan? Brian!”

“Ryan? Jeez!” Lena takes a moment. “I haven’t spoken to him in ages.”

“Yeah. He rides horses, right? Hey, maybe you could’ve asked him to give me some riding lessons.” He suddenly shifts to a teasing tone. “Maybe, if you insist, he would leave his fancy job and stay here. He can help you out, give you some macho company.”

Lena responds by slapping him on his arm. “I don’t need anyone. Besides, you’ve taught me well, Master!”

Instinctively, they both looked at each other and shared a small laugh. They cheered with their drinks and took sips. Caleb realized that for a brief moment, he had almost forgotten about his impending doom. He was truly present, sharing the moment with the person he loved the most. His mind started flooding with all the quiet and happy memories he shared with his wife, right on that porch. Suddenly, he felt unwilling to let go. He asked himself if there truly was a way forward for them.

His thoughts are interrupted by Lena.

“Caleb!”

“Hmmm? Yes, Honey.” He saw her face suddenly become serious again.

“I need to tell you something.”

Caleb drinks the last bit of beer from his bottle and puts it aside. He turns on his seat slightly to face Lena. He notices her hesitation. “What is it?”

She was indeed hesitating. She had to calm her nerves before she could speak her mind. “You remember I told you my cousin was here to help me when you were drafted for the mainland expedition? Do you remember that?”

“Mostly, yeah. What about it?”

“I lied.”

“Lied about?” Caleb could see how uncomfortable she was.

“It wasn’t my cousin who stayed with me. At least for the first two days.”

Her hesitation was killing Caleb. After what felt like an eternity of suspense, she finally speaks and reveals the truth. “It was Ryan.”

Lena’s confession felt like a gut punch to Caleb. He looked away, unsure of how to react. He felt anger slowly taking over him.

“You have to understand, I was a mess. You were gone for so long. There was no news about you. I thought I’d lost you.”

“And that made you think of Ryan?”

“I didn’t know what I was doing. I was so confused.”

Caleb was clenching his fists so hard that the veins in his arms started to pop. He could feel his ears burning and his anger taking control.

“Caleb! Dear? Please say something.”

“Is it mine?”

“Is it what?” She couldn’t believe what she heard. “Caleb! I don’t understand–”

“The child! Is it mine?”

“Caleb! Of course, it’s yours. Nothing happened between me and Ryan, I promise. He tried to kiss me, and, in a moment of weakness, I guess I kissed him back. But I pushed him away immediately and asked him to leave. I swear. I haven’t seen or spoken to him ever since.”

Caleb could feel himself losing control over his body. He was trying hard to push back the symptoms, but the anger was too visceral. He missed most of what Lena said. He could only hear his consciousness screaming the word “Betrayal” at him, trailing off with a high-pitched ringing in his ears. His vision was turning red as if someone had painted a thick coat of red paint on his iris. He felt a sharp pain piercing through his brain. Then he went blank.

---------------------------------------------------------------

When Caleb regained consciousness, he was holding a part of the metal reinforcement of the window behind the recliner chairs. It was as if he had ripped it off with his bare hands. Through the window, he could see Lena inside, standing terrified, and pointing a shotgun at him. He still had the sharp pain in his head and a loud ringing in his ears. He could faintly remember arguing with Lena. But everything after that was a black hole.

“Lena!”

Hearing her name, Lena immediately lowered the gun. “Caleb? Caleb!” She runs over to the window, with tears in her eyes. “Caleb! You’re okay?” There was a joy of relief in her voice. “You’re okay! You’ll be fine, all right. Just listen to my voice. Everything will be fine, okay, dear!”

“What happened?” Caleb was still dizzy and shocked. Suddenly, he felt a mild burning sensation on his back, and his body began emitting smoke.

Lena saw it too. “Caleb! Dear. Stay with me, all right.” She was almost panicking. “We’ll get you inside, and then we’ll figure this out, okay?” She then disappears from the window.

Caleb was still trying to make sense of what happened after he blacked out. He heard Lena struggling to open the door, and wondered why. The lock mechanism was tricky, but she had done it numerous times. The wait was getting unbearable because the burning sensation had intensified and was spreading to his entire body. Outside, the sun was yet to rise, but the early light was slowly spreading, revealing the expansive landscape, and to Caleb’s horror, the magnitude of his destruction.

One side of the porch roof was about to collapse because the supporting beam was on the ground, shattered into pieces. The railing was destroyed, completely. There were holes in the wooden floor of the porch, as if someone, or something with immense strength, had punched or stomped hard on it. One of the recliner chairs was stuck on the roof, while the other was about 200 meters away from the house.

Lena was still hammering away at the door, trying her best to force it open. “Caleb! The door isn’t budging. I’m gonna have to shoot it open. Stay away.” The heavily reinforced metal door was slightly bent near the lock system as if someone had hit it multiple times with a battering ram. Was he responsible for the door as well, thought Caleb.

The sun was almost up now, making him sick and dizzy. His skin felt like ages of sunburn had been dumped on him in just a few minutes. His legs give way, and he falls to his knees.

The front door bursts open with a loud bang. Seconds later, Lena walks out the door, left arm soaked in blood and limping on her right leg. Seeing her, Caleb breaks down in tears. Lena saw Caleb’s reaction and knew what this meant. The decision stands. She limps forward to Caleb and sits down on her knees facing him. She puts her hand on his head, gently caressing him.

Caleb looks at her with teary eyes and asks, “Is he okay?”

She takes his hand and places it on her baby bump. It didn’t take long before they felt the baby kick. “See, Caleb! He’s fine. Our baby is fine!”

Caleb was in excruciating pain. The rays were getting stronger every minute. His bloodthirst was also going wild, especially with Lena bleeding in front of him. It was only a matter of minutes before he lost control. He pulls Lena into his arms to feel her embrace. He held her, trying to memorize the feel of her, for if there was an afterlife waiting for him. Then he cups her face with his hands and looks at her one last time. “You’ll be okay, honey.” He frantically kisses her on her forehead and pushes away, leaving Lena sobbing on the porch floor.

Caleb starts walking away from the house. Not the best way of going out, he thought. But at least he’s going out on his terms. He felt happy and fulfilled. He turned around to see Lena. She was still sobbing, but she managed to stand up and wave goodbye. He smiled and lifted his hand to wave back. But before he could, the sunrays turned him to ashes, and the morning breeze carried him away.