Lighthouse Keeper

It was the first day of Dream Season, and the village of Solander braced for the onslaught. Solander had all four seasons, of course: Growth, Harvest, Sleep, and Dream.

Estella hated Dream Season.

Growth was amazing. The kids would shoot up like weeds, and the adults would explore all those hobbies they’d longed to get to but hadn’t yet had time to work on. Last Growth Season, Estella’s mom had learned to play the piano, and now music drifted out of the house every night.

Harvest Season was also enjoyable. Not only were feasts regular, but those skills grown during the Growing Season were harvested with wisdom, solidifying as a true part of the adults. Mom’s piano playing became phenomenal as she poured her heart and soul into the music, moving listeners to tears or laughter.

Sleep Season was awful, but at least Estelle never remembered much of it. Just that the plants died back and everything was muted. Adults died during Sleep Season. Not all of them, of course, but if you were going to die, it was going to be during Sleep Season.

And now it was Dream Season. Mom said Dream Season was full of hope and brightness. It was when you remembered all those who had gone before and planned for what was ahead.

The only problem was, her mom should have died during the last Sleep Season. Papa had died instead.

And Estella wasn’t looking forward to facing him.

Mom caught on to her mood that night at supper. Root vegetable stew was enough reason all on its own to hate Dream Season. And it’d have to last all season. Estella moved her spoon through the thick sludgy mass listlessly, staring into the bowl without really seeing.

“Estella, it’ll be okay.”

Estella didn’t respond. Mom was only trying to be helpful, but lies didn’t make anything better.

Mom reached out and squeezed her hand. Slowly, as if it were she who was caught in the stew instead of just her spoon, she pulled her gaze upward to meet her mom’s earnest green eyes. 

Mom smiled. “My heart’s light, I promise it’ll be okay. I know you’re scared.”

Scared wasn’t all of it though. And her feelings were so mixed up and tangled together it was impossible to separate one from another, just like the white paste of the stew’s gravy obscured which vegetables were parsnips and which were carrots, even to her taste buds.

But after all she’d done for her mom already, eating the slop before her was nothing, and it’d make Mom happy. She swallowed a bite, her fingers curling around her mom’s calloused hand.

“You can sleep tonight in my bed,” Mom offered.

Estella shook her head. She wasn’t a baby anymore. “I’m not going to go to sleep.”

“You can’t stay up all Dream Season.”

“I guess we’ll find out.”

Mom turned in her chair, taking both of her hands in hers. “Estella, look at me. I know you loved Papa. He won’t be mad at you.”

Tears sprang to her eyes, and the lump in her throat grew like the beans during the Growth Season. She shook her head. “Mom, I couldn’t lose you.”

“I know, darling. I know.”

“But I didn’t know. I didn’t mean it.”

“Papa loves you. He—”

Estella shook her head. She couldn’t stay. Everything was too much. The walls loomed over her, with Papa’s painting judging her. Between the table and the chair, she was trapped, just as she had been during Sleep Season. And she was going to throw up.

She sprang to her feet, needing air, needing out. Tears flew from her eyes as she ran, spattering the dirt floor of the house behind her.

Estella’s feet stopped at the Lighthouse of their own accord. The moon had risen, and nestled among the hills, the village was quiet and sleepy. How often had she run here and looked out over this peaceful view? She tightened her jaw against a yawn as the bright eye of the lighthouse scanned across her, brilliant white against the black of night. 

But Papa was here too. She walked down the short entry hallway and refused to look at his portrait, last in a long line of Lighthouse Keepers. In here, there’s no way she’d be able to sleep. That’s why Papa had stayed here during Sleep Seasons, after all. She could stay here until the whole season had passed.

The Lighthouse was quiet, a fine layer of dust sprinkling the shelves that had never been there when Papa had tended the building. The gears turned soundlessly, and the beam of light twirled in its eternal dance. No one was here, of course. No one had replaced Papa yet.

Flinching away from the memories, Estella settled onto the cold hard floor by the bronze stand that held the massive light. She wrapped her arms around her legs and set her chin on her knees. Mom would know she came here, of course. It was where she always went when she was scared or sad.

She chewed on her lip, staring at the light that turned above her head. There to keep the Nightmares away, to signal for help in the Growing and Harvest Seasons in case the evil that grew and was harvested outweighed the good. And to light the way for those who died in the Sleep Season.

“I’m sorry.” The words crashed through the silence, shattering into pieces like the beam of light did the night.

Papa had been working here that night, as usual. He hadn’t been the one who was supposed to die.

“I didn’t know what to do,” she said. “I didn’t mean for… what happened.”

Estella had woken from a long sleep to see Death coming toward her house. No one ever saw Death. She’d certainly never expected to. She’d panicked. Only she and Mom were home. So she’d treated Death like the grains she brought in from the garden during the Harvest Season. She’d barreled toward him, knocked his scythe from his stunned fingers, and ran. Ran to the place she felt safest in all the world, with Death on her heels.

And Papa had opened the door.

“Why did you do it?” she asked the empty Lighthouse. “Why did you open the door?”

“Because the Lighthouse doesn’t keep light inside, little starlight. If it did, it wouldn’t be a Lighthouse.” The words were warm and comforting, like honey on toast, coming from just behind her.

Estella ducked her head, pressing her eyes into her knees. She couldn’t be hearing Papa’s voice. She hadn’t fallen asleep, right? She was certain of it. Squeezing her arms tighter around her legs, she spoke. The words had waited too long to come out already.

“I didn’t mean for it to be you.”

“I did.”

She snapped upright, spinning around. There was her Papa, standing there real as life.

“What?” she choked out.

He spread his arms. “I’m the Lighthouse Keeper, Estella. I keep the people of the valley safe. Do you know where the Lighthouses came from? They used to stand on shores, to keep the boats from crashing against the rocks. Now, they stand on hills and bring light for the villages against greed and hate and despair. If I would stand against these things for my valley, why wouldn’t I stand against Death for my daughter, and for you? Death had a quota, and that could not include you. It was wrong of Death to chase you.”

“But Papa, I miss you.”

“And I miss you, starlight. But I’m not sorry I did it. I’m just sorry you’re taking responsibility for my actions.”

“I’m sorry I brought him here.”

“Death was already here, in the Lighthouse. But the Lighthouse isn’t about running from consequences. It’s about standing, about chasing back the shadows with light. Chasing out fear with hope, greed with compassion, and shame with love.”

Estella chewed on her lip. She’d run from Death, and she’d been running from Papa. From the Dream Season itself. Papa saw right through her, as always. 

She nodded, but fiddled with the hem of her shirt. She wasn’t ready yet to leave him. “Can I stay here for a while?”

Papa’s eyes crinkled with joy and he leaned forward like he always had when they’d planned adventures together. “I would love that. Would you like to work the light?”

A smile found its way to her lips for the first time since the Sleep Season. “Can I?”

“I sure hope so. Shining the light will help bring good dreams to the people, and with the people’s help, reduce the bad ones.”

“But I’m not the Lighthouse Keeper.”

“Anyone who wants to be can be. And maybe, keeping the Lighthouse will help you light your own path through Dream Season.”

So all through that Dream Season, Estella worked in the Lighthouse with Papa’s memory, and little by little, things changed. The days grew brighter. The food had taste and texture again. And Estella convinced the people of Solander to elect her as the next Lighthouse Keeper. 

Papa loved her, and that allowed Estella to learn to love Dream Season.