Singing with Confidence

I always wanted to sing. It had been my dream since I was seven years old. I used to listen to the cantors at Mass and longed to be one of them. When asked what I wanted to do when I got older, I'd say, "I want to perform for God." However, I was shy and uncomfortable with people. Whenever I'd sing in front of people, my nerves took over, my legs would shake, my heart pound, and I felt like passing out.

I tried to gain confidence, but living in a dysfunctional family made that impossible. Certain family members scolded and treated me harshly so often that my self-speak became, 'I'll never be able to do this, and I'll never succeed.' I carried my inferiority complex throughout my adulthood. It bled into every encounter, whether at school, work, or anywhere. I saw myself as damaged since I tried earnestly to become self-confident. I would see other people being able to do what I couldn't, and it crushed me. I felt discouraged and started looking to acquire self-esteem from those around me.

This path, however, came with a new set of problems. I sought praise wherever I went and never missed an opportunity to 'fish for compliments.' However, I would fall deeper into myself when I didn't receive the desired result. And yet, when I did receive praise or compliments, it never seemed to be enough to satisfy the confidence I lacked. I remember singing a small solo in my church choir, and after I finished, people told me how wonderful I was, but I didn't believe them. I looked at them squarely and said, "No, I wasn't. I'm not very good." They kept assuring me that I sang well, but to no avail, I wouldn't believe them. After a while, people didn't want to be around me, and who could blame them? I was so hung up on myself and didn't know how to be any other way.

I moved to Southern California when I was twenty-five years old. Soon after, the local community theater held auditions for their Spring musical. I auditioned and became part of the chorus. I was happy to be cast and amazed at how wonderfully everyone sang at the audition. I longed to have a trained voice like the principles of the cast, but being new to the area, I had no idea who I could study with to train me to sing. There are so many voice teachers who do more damage to the voice than good, and I was afraid of choosing the wrong teacher. 

So before going to sleep that night, I prayed to God with these words.

Almighty Father, you know how much I want to sing and become a professional singer. So, I ask you to please send me a voice teacher who will train my voice and not damage it. But this person will have to come to me and introduce themselves because I am too shy to approach them.

I put my whole heart and soul into this prayer because I didn't trust my musical ability or people skills, but I did trust God.

The next day, I went to work and told my coworkers I was in the chorus of the local community theater's musical production. I told them about the singers I heard and how I wanted to find a teacher to teach me to sing. Then, one of my coworkers informed me of a woman who worked in a different department and was also a voice teacher. "You may want to ask her about it," she said.

Of course, I did not intend to speak to the woman because I was too insecure.

Then, a miracle happened. I saw a middle-aged woman standing by my desk the following week at work.

 "Are you Eleanor?" she said. I nodded.

She smiled. "Hi, I'm Betty; I'm a great voice teacher. I'll teach you to sing. Come, study with me. I have lots of students."

I was stunned but so taken with her confidence that I agreed.

She taught out of her house. At the first lesson, I told her my desire to sing professionally. Then she handed me sheet music. "Try this," she said. I looked at the music. It was the aria, "Voi che sapete," from Mozart's opera, The Marriage of Figaro, in Italian. I enjoyed listening to classical music, but I never wanted a career as an opera singer. So, I started to object, but she ignored me and began playing the piano.

 "Sing," she said.

I was not a good sight reader then, but I tried my best. She kept playing, and I wondered if she thought I knew Italian because she didn't stop me even though I was only making sounds and not singing words. Finally, she stopped playing, looked at me, and said, "Ok, let me teach you this piece."

I informed her that I was more interested in musical theater than opera, yet she told me that opera vowel sounds would help me sing musical theater. After the lesson, I was amazed that my voice sounded so much better, and I fell in love with opera.

My voice had plenty of vocal issues. It had a break between the lower and higher register and barely an octave range. Yet, my lack of self-esteem was the biggest obstacle. Whenever Betty told me I could have a professional career as a singer, I immediately told her I couldn't. When she asked why, I only could say, "I don't know, I just can't." But she'd smile and say, "Yes, you can, and I will help you."

And help me, she did.

Betty was unique. She understood my vocal and emotional issues and how to help me through them with music. She knew that music would help me more than I realized. The first few years were rough because I couldn't force my vocal cords to strengthen faster. I cried a lot, trying to advance quickly. I remember being depressed and calling Betty many times a day to hear her say that I was good enough to become a professional. She always answered the phone and gave me pep talks. I was so needy it was unbelievable. I remember how immature I was in my twenties and how she never made me feel that way. She was always supportive, like a therapist who just happened to teach voice.

Little by little, my confidence grew as my voice became strong and beautiful. Betty taught me the artistry of Bel Canto singing and making each note sweeter than the one before it. Soon, I was winning competitions. Then, I returned to school to get a music degree in vocal performance. The university let me keep Betty as my voice teacher. It was a wonderful time in my life. I won vocal scholarships, and it seemed that whatever role I auditioned for, I received. Betty was my anchor. She came to all of my performances. I don't know exactly when I stopped being afraid to sing in front of people, but I do know it would never have happened without Betty and her teaching. For the first time in my life, I had support from someone, and it felt amazing because I began to believe in myself.

I studied with Betty for over twenty-five years. During this time, I secured a position as music director and cantor of a Catholic Church. I was living my dream. I was now a professional musician performing for God. I found my musical niche.

Betty passed away at ninety years old. When I visited her one time in the hospital, I reflected on all the students she taught and cared for. What a beautiful life. She helped me develop the confidence I searched for, something my younger self would have thought impossible. Betty didn't have to care about me so much, but I am grateful she did.

Singing has been the most incredible thrill of my life. I have retired from my professional music ministry career after thirty-five years. Success comes in many forms. I can honestly say I have accomplished what I set out to do, and the young girl who thought she couldn't succeed did.

It delights me to write about the woman God sent to train my voice so I could sing His praises and become the confident person He created me to be.