The Edge

As I am standing here at the edge of the water. I wonder... what was the purpose of any of it? Who moved the hands of fate to make me part of this family? Why was I not consulted?

I guess that's not how it goes with families...blood families. I have heard that some people choose their family. I wonder of it is as easy to un-choose. And if you do...un-choose, can you ever really escape? The critical mother, the controlling father, the simpering youngest sibling, or the competitive belittling older sibling. Are you ever truly free of them or do they hang on like the cobwebs of remorse. Always looming, always showing up in your memories and dreams. When it is all said and done after all, are not the people in your circle the reason that you are the way you are?

Ugh! Enough! My head aches from the constant questions, tired of the inner debate...the ever present anguish about the familial unit that I am regrettably a part of.

So many years ago years ago, I decided I was done. I wanted out. I wanted it complete. I knew suicide was not an option for me. I had known that about myself for a long time. Coming to that reality was what set me on a long course of self destruction. If I could not do it ...I would put myself in dangerous situations. I would force death to seek me out, to find me and finally end all of it. The irony is that death has sought me out but instead of being my solution, it has become merely a companion to my empty life. Life, ha! What kind of life have I had? What good have I done? When it is over, will I have contributed to the world in any way that breathes goodness? No. There is nothing loving or warm about it. Nothing to envy. I am surrounded by random strangers I use however I see fit for my own survival in an existence I do not even want. Cold dark spaces that keep the secrets of me buried in unkind places. Unsafe. Unrelenting. Screaming yet silent. And hate...so much hate.

Is it their fault? Has the family I belong to made me this way? Have I contributed to their distasteful presence? At least I can be honest about it.

They are hypocrites! All of them. Carrying on lives that are built on the foundation of deception. My father, sitting on various boards. The current one is the local university. If it were not so disgusting it would be almost humorous thinking of my father pontificating about bettering the community and "inspiring young minds" Of course it is all for show. A farce, weaving a web that traps others in. Playing golf with local politicians. Hobnobbing in order to pursue his personal agenda. Him first. Always him first.

My mother for whom nothing is ever good enough, rich enough, impressive enough, hosting ladies events all the while dismissive and critical of every human being she comes in contact with as a way to justify her cruel behavior. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. Everywhere we have ever lived it has been imperative to my parents that they become socially significant. The parties filled with pretension and self serving grandeur. It is the easiest way to hide in plain sight I suppose. Prominent. Important. Their benevolence motivated by greed and they therefore remain clear of judgement, operating outside of the rules for the rest of society. To feel above it all by rubbing shoulders with people of influence judges, senators, minor celebrities while at the same time attracting those on the opposite end of the economic scale. "Disposables" my father calls them. Desperate souls who can be manipulated, used, discarded with little guilt or afterthought. It never really matters how much money the people my parents encounter have or do not have. They slowly disappear from the parties and our lives and my parents move on. Never a real friend, they are simply not capable. Even their private conversations are nothing more than scheming, and it goes on and on. We, their children are no better.

My older brother Timothy is weak. He hides his cowardliness by being aggressive, superior. His need to be the family super star, show the world or maybe just my father that he is powerful is revolting. He wears rudeness and conceit like a badge. His prey is mostly women, and he seems to take special delight in the sordid gossip and speculation that follows after he is done with them and they no make appearances on the society page.

Then, there is Cecily my youngest sister. Whiny, privileged, and quite possibly the most vapid creature on the planet. Too lazy to work so she runs to my father when she can't handle her own issues or handles them poorly. My father is ever indulgent to clean up her messes I'm sure more to save his reputation and keep his truth hidden than out of any real affection. Cecily, begging my mother to step in to manage her insatiable appetite for anything to meet her needs.

In the end everyone who comes in contact with them is destroyed.

Not me! I will not let them destroy me.

It has gone on too long. It is all too much. It is all too...dark.

I want the sun to shine on my face. I want to feel the embrace of someone with no thoughts about what I can take from them.

I tell myself I can choose. I WILL choose. I don't want to be one of those people anymore. I can change my name, my personality, my looks. I can reinvent myself. I can move away, even lie and change my details.

But my chest is heavy...a lie is all it would be.

The truth is, I can not do any of that. It's not about where I am. It is about-who-I am.

As I am standing here at the edge of the water. I wonder what was the purpose of any of it? Who moved the hands of fate to make me part of this family? Why was I not consulted?

I guess that's not how it goes with families...blood families. I am who I am.

I am a vampire.